Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
- The Redskins beat the Giants 22-10 yesterday. A huge win over a division rival to keep their playoffs hopes alive. Awesome right? Wrong. Since their last Super Bowl win in 1991 I have learned to live with a perenially immensely talented team that will ultimately underachieve (the Redskins are much like myself in this regard actually). They can never just suck, they're always tantalizingly mediocre. The never live up to expectations, but they always play just well enough to keep fans interested, ultimately crushing them in the end. It will happen again. I just haven't figure out how. Will Adrian Peterson run for 400 yards on them next week or will it come down to the final game of the season against the Cowboys where they'll blow another second half lead? It's not a matter of if but when.
- Speaking of the Cowboys, it figures that the only time I will ever root for them to win they lose. To the Eagles no less. All I want is for the Cowboys to wrap up homefield advantage in the playoffs so they rest their starters in week 17 against the Skins. But, noooooooo, Tony Romo plays like crap, gets hurt, and we have to endure 40 shots of Jessica Simpson in the booth wearing a pink jersey. Could it get any worse. Although how awesome was it when Brian Westbrook was waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown but instead decided to down it at the one and run the clock out. How many fantasy football seasons did that ruin and in turn how many TVs did that ruin when Westbrook owners put their remote through the screen?
- Ooh, that sounded almost positive about the Westbrook thing, lets put a negative spin on that. My team was in the playoffs this week, playing against a team carrying Westbrook, and it did not help me at all. Because my team absolutely shit the bed. Of course I dominate all year and then in the second round of the playoffs I have Randy Moss playing in a blizzard. Although I think the fact that I was depending on 3 Detroit Lions might have been my downfall. It was inevitable.
- Ok it wasn't all negative yesterday. There was one thing I absolutely loved. Living in Baltimore I developed a solid hatred of the Ravens. Seeing them lose to the 0-13, now 1-13, Dolphins was probably the most enjoyable experience I've had in weeks. The Ravens have officially hit rock bottom. At least now I have some company down here. Crap, I can't even get any joy out of that.
I told you it was a gift.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
What a glorious day. The sun is shining, the leaves are falling and the temperature is brisk. A perfect fall day. Nice try whoever controls the weather. You think I don't remember what a miserable week it's been? Oh I do. But who cares, it's the end of the week, it's beautiful outside, and it's That's What She Said Friday!
This weeks entry is from Wendy. Take it away Wendy:
So, Tony and I were sitting at lunch, and enters Brian, a graduatestudent that has a fellowship with teaching requirements. Brian hasto teach his lectures today (in Nov). and the following conversationensues
Tony: So you've been going to lecture all this time?
Brian: I come when I can.
Wendy: That's what he said.
I like that Wendy put the joke above herself. Being that she is a girl she could have easily gone with, "That's what I say," but she stuck to her roots. That's professionalism at it's finest.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
There’s one factor I failed to account for in this whole riding a bike thing: rain. You see, I’m an umbrella person. When it’s raining and I have to walk to work I just stand under an umbrella (ella, ella, ella) and I’m reasonably dry the whole time. Riding a bike down a busy city street carrying an umbrella seems like a horrible idea to me (remember the whole tragic accident possibility) so I nixed that idea. But being an umbrella I am not in possession of a raincoat. Using both just seemed like overkill. Well this creates a dilemma for someone who has to get to work, in the rain, without a car.
I should mention at this point that I had my yearly performance evaluation on Monday. There was only really one thing negative my boss had to say. He doesn’t like my inconsistent schedule. You see I rarely come in at the same time everyday. Well that’s not entirely true, basically if I sleep at my house I’m in to work at 7, if I sleep at the gf’s house I’m in around 8:30. The boss doesn’t like this, he wants me to pick a time and stick to it. So despite having to ride my bike through a driving rain it would not really be a great idea to try and wait out the rain and be an hour or so and be late for work three days after I got the business for that very same thing.
Anyway, so I basically just have to go for it. I suck it up, throw on a jacket and head out. I was soaked within a block. The good news is though; once your clothes/body are completely saturated you hardly even notice anymore that it’s raining.
Another thing I should mention at this point. I normally carry a bag to work. It comes in pretty handy. Turns out Kenneth Cole doesn’t make good riding shoes so I have to wear an alternative until I get to work. Also I can throw in anything else I deem necessary for the day. Last night I left work without that bag. I have no idea why, I just left without even thinking about.
So I here I am, pedaling away with my thighs soaked and my hair dripping. It really wouldn’t have been a big deal if I was just wearing some sweat pants or something similar, carrying my work clothes in a bag so I could just change into dry clothes when I arrived. It turns out Banana Republic pants don’t really wick the water away like you would assume.
One more thing to point out. Sometimes I bring my lunch to work. It goes in spurts really; I’ll bring a lunch everyday for a week or two and then won’t bring it for another week or two. I haven’t brought a lunch in a couple weeks. Last night I went to the grocery for the express purpose of bringing my lunch this morning. I also don’t have a lunchbox. It’s kind of bobo, I just throw some crap in a plastic grocery bag. Which I then throw in my other bag. The bag I left at work last night.
So here I am, riding in the rain. Pants soaked, hair wet, trying to avoid cars spraying me with water, with a grocery bag draped on my wrist. As I’m riding I make a left turn. The grocery bag skims the bike tire. I think to myself, I better pull up some slack in this bag before it rips open. Too late, there goes lunch, in a puddle on Eliot St. Awesome.
I think God hates me. I really do. It’s not so much the rain. That happens, you get wet, you dry off, not a big deal. It’s the confluence of events that really sets it off. It’s like the rain is the kick in the nuts and the evaluation and the bag and the lunch are stomping on them when I’m down. It’s like the before storm of suck. And it’s a shitstorm.
Moral of the story: I’m buying a new car ASAP.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Charles Schwab – At some point in my life I’m going to have finances that need managing and you will be my absolute last choice to manage them. Why? Because cartoons are supposed to be funny dammit. I’m so sick of seeing this, expecting some hilarious punch line and just getting a cartoon bald guy bitching about his broker forgetting his name.
I hope no one was expecting a Garmin navigation system or a Dell because if you roll out Christmas commercials before Halloween I hate you and I’m not buying your stupid product.
Chevy – Good Lord, what are you thinking? This one has been beaten to death but I still had to mention it. If you have watched a single football game in the last two years you’re ready to assassinate John Cougar Mellencamp (but doesn’t assassinate imply that you’re killing some sort head of state? Yes it does, he’s the king of crappy songs about America, hence assassination). If you’re going to hammer a song into my head in order to sell trucks can you at least pick one that doesn’t suck? Oh and don’t by ad space to air your shitty commercial 16 times in 3 hours.
Viagra – A bunch of old guys jamming, junkyard band style, in a rundown barn about erectile dysfunction. Honestly who green lit that? Who possibly thought that was a good idea? Fortunately this isn’t a problem I’ve experienced, but if I do I’m going with Cialis. I’m willing to risk sudden loss of eyesight, at least I wouldn’t have to see that Viagra commercial anymore.
Miller Lite – I’m putting you on notice Miller Lite. I love Bob Slydell/Dr. Cox as much as the next guy but those “More Taste League” commercial aren’t good. You haven’t lost me yet but those Coors Light commercials with the football coaches are hilarious and they’re stealing my allegiance.
There are some products that probably could never lose me from a bad commercial. As much as I don’t care about a ballerina blogging from backstage or a pilot checking weather.com before take off I’m still using my iPod, it’s too awesome. And I’m going to go against the norm here, but I think Peyton Manning is funny, so Sony and DirectTV you’re still cool with me. Oh and I think I’m switching my deodorant to Old Spice, you grow chest hair just from putting it on!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Riding my bike to work this morning I pull up to the corner Pratt and Light St. waiting for traffic to subside so I could cross. As soon as I come to a stop, prop myself up on the curb, and wait patiently a truck comes flying in the right lane dousing me directly in the face with water. Only me. Not a single other person get wet. I know what you're thinking. Doesn't that only really happen to people in the movies? Apparently not. I know what else you're thinking. When was the last time it rained, isn't it really dry outside? You're right, it is very dry outside. It is just my luck that on a six lane highway the only vehicle in the right lane found the only puddle in all of Baltimore to splatter me in the face with seconds after stopping. And here's the best part, this wasn't a pool of rainwater collecting in a pothole or anything like that. It was a backed up inlet to a sewer line. Welcome to my life.
On a separate happier note someone was lead via google to my blog by perhaps the greatest keyword search ever. I just wanted to print it here again in hopes on becoming the #1 google search for:
john madden runs it up the a hole
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The first was Cal Ripken breaking Lou Gehrig’s 2130 consecutive games played streak in 1995. Now that’s something Americans can get behind, a record based on going to work everyday. Trust me I know, I have several perfect attendance awards from elementary school, and people loved me for it. The second event of course was the home run chase in 1998. Fans were riveted by nightly updates of Sammy Sosa’s and Mark McGuire’s assault on Roger Maris’ single season home run record. They both ended up breaking the mark and baseball was back to being America’s pastime.
Those two things brought the casual fan back into the game, but Ripken’s streak ended in 1998 and he retired in 2001. The home run record has not only already been broken, but it’s all been tainted by the cloud of steroids. So what has kept the casual fan interested? Why is the popularity of baseball still high? Many reasons of course, but I think there is one unifying element among the majority of average fans that keeps them watching every night: hating the New York Yankees. Obviously there are millions of diehards who love the game as it is and root for they’re favorite team no matter what. But these are the people who never left, the strike might have left a stain on the game but they were still fans. On the other hand there are an equal number of people who would tell you they like baseball but don’t know much about the game other than what they see on ESPN occasionally. These are the people who needed to be told who Matt Holliday was during the World Series this year. They couldn’t tell you the third starter on their favorite team is, but the do know one thing. Namely they hate the Yankees because they “buy” championships.
Herein lies the problem for MLB. The Yankees are falling apart at the seams. Alex Rodriguez is gone. Joe Torre is gone. Any Pettitte opted out of his contract today and may choose to retire. Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada are free agents. It’s not a great offseason to be a Yankee fan, but this could be bad for baseball as well. Hypothetically let’s say the team does lose all of those players to free agency; that is close to $70 million in payroll subtracted from last season. Add to it Roger Clemens and his $16 million retiring and the Yankees could potentially have only the fifth or sixth highest payroll coming into the season. What will people have to latch onto as a reason to hate them? Because that’s the thing, somewhere along the line it became more fun for the average fan to root against other teams than it did to root for their own. What happens when the evil empire is no longer evil? By June your standard Orioles fan, for example, has given up on the season, they’re no longer interested in watching the fate of their own team. All they have left is hoping the Yankees and their enormous payroll underachieve in the playoffs again. They revel in it, as do many other fans of many other teams. Well there is a chance the Yankees will start the season with a payroll similar to the O’s and expectations not much higher. If that’s the case then by June when they don’t care about their team anymore they have nothing else to care about. They’ll just quit on baseball altogether and this can’t be a scenario that makes MLB happy.
Here’s the kicker, the thing that will make people heads explode: the Yankees, instead of underachieving with a huge payroll like they have the last few years, could just as easily overachieve with a reasonable payroll next year. Then people really wouldn’t know what to do. Who hates the underdog? All of those players leaving in free agency leave gaping holes in the lineup and rotation but it doesn’t exactly leave the cupboard bare. There is still plenty of talent. Instead of being the odds on favorite to win it all they would be a team with a ton of question marks who could surprise some people come September and October. What if Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon, and Jason Giambi stay healthy all year? Add in Jeter, Cano, Abreu, and Cabrera and that’s still a formidable lineup. They might be starting the season with three rookie or second year guysin the starting rotation. But between Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, and Ian Kennedy if two of those three guys live up to even 80% of there potential then combined with Wang that would be a fairly solid rotation. These are all big ifs, but there not that unlikely. Do I think the Yankees have a shot at the World Series? Probably not. Can they surprise a lot people? Absolutely, and that is the last thing a lot of people want to see. They’ll hate that they can’t hate it. Ever Yankee basher has a standard set of arguments that they rarely deviate from but they wouldn’t be able to use any of them anymore.
Every story needs a villain. MLB needs that to be the Yankees. People are celebrating their demise now, but they’ll get bored. And eventually they’ll get bored with baseball altogether if they don’t have the Yankees to root against.
Of course there is always the new Yankees: the Boston Red Sox.
It got me thinking though. I was a runner in high school, not a bad one at that. I’ve run long distances before, I’ve trained hard, and I’m used to the pain. So why is it that other seemingly nonathletic people can manage this feat of athleticism and I can’t? Clearly it’s a problem of motivation, which Matt correctly assumed in making the bet. It’s not that I can’t do it; it’s that I really can’t find a good enough reason to motivate myself to do it. People have all sorts of reasons to try and run a marathon. Some people use it as a way to get themselves in shape or lose weight. That one doesn’t work for me. I actually lose weight when I don’t work out. If I don’t work out regularly I look like the Olsen twins long lost brother. It’s not cool. So I gain weight from running. Others run just to prove something to themselves. Also not appealing to me. I’m pretty confident in my ability to jog 26 miles, not to cheapen the feat, it’s very difficult and something everyone should be proud of. I just think I can do it. What it comes down to is I’m highly competitive, and some sort of challenge is probably the only thing that would provide proper motivation. I thought a bet would work. I guess not. I think what it’s going to take is to actually have a person to race. Who wants in? Anyone? Crap, I’m never doing this.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
- 10:00 - Flag football game.
- 11:30 - Lunch with the gf before she heads out of town for the rest of the weekend
- 1:00 - Hang out Aaron's house with the wedding party before Dave's wedding
- 5:00 to midnight - Dave and Lindsay's wedding
That's a completely full day, when was I supposed to write a post? I'm taking a mulligan on this one. Besides, know one reads blogs on the weekend, that shouldn't even count.
Friday, November 02, 2007
NaBloPoMo is going to be totally easy. There are 5 Friday's in November. Almost 17% of the month's posts will be That's What She Said Fridays. This will be a cake walk. Although I don't think I've ever posted anything on a weekend, so that might cause a problem. Anyway, on with it:
Everytime Leslie puts on any type of perfume she thinks it's funny to spray me with it also. She did it again this morning leading to this exchange:
Me: You always squirt me with that stuff.
Leslie: That's what she said.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Yankees lost the 1981 World Series to the Los Angeles Dodgers 4 games to 2. In 1982 Don Mattingly was called up to play first base. He went on to a stellar (all be it injury shortened) 14 year career. Coincidentally the Yankees went on a 14 year World Series and pennant drought. Despite the lack of winning Mattingly was and is one of the most beloved players (and my personal favorite player) ever to put on the pinstripes. And yet I’ve never been happier to see him take them off. The year after his retirement in 1995 the Yankees took down the Atlanta Braves to win their first series in 18 years. This started a run that everyone knows about. 6 World Series in 8 years, their last one being a losing effort to Marlins in 2003. Before the 2004 season Mattingly was hired as the Yankees hitting coach. The team has only eclipsed the first round of the playoffs once in the preceding 4 years. Obviously Don Mattingly is cursed, when you combine his aura with ARod’s you have a recipe for disaster. Or at least a recipe for losing wild card series to the Tigers.
A few hours ago I was unsure of the prospects for success in 2008. Alex Rodriguez opting out is a possible snowball that could mean losing the likes of Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte, and Jorge Posada. Now I’m not worried at all, it’s a lock, the black Mattingly cloud has been lifted and soon the sun will be shining down on a last run in Yankee Stadium.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I'm really glad I invented That's What She Said Friday for a multitude of reasons. Mainly because it's hilarious and a phenomenon that's sweeping the nation. Literally tens of people are tuning each week to find out what she said. The other reason though is because I got nothin'. I mean without this I'd barely ever post. I mean, it's not like a lead an exceedingly boring life. I mean I'm homeless and don't have a car. Things happen, I just rarely find the inspiration to write about it lately. And forget about me coming up with my own ideas, that's not really in my wheel house. I lack the necessary characteristics for that. Namely talent, creativity and writing ability. Maybe my life is boring. I'll tell you what, maybe next week I'll just document each day of the week and leave it up to you, the audience, to decide whether my life is awesome (which I think it is) or boring (which is what you would assume from reading this blog). So look forward to that. Anyway, on to the point of this post, this might be the raunchiest TWSSF ever and I love it. Here goes:
Last Sunday morning a few friends were laying/dying around Mike's apartment after participating in the previous nights Homecoming festivities. I was laying on the floor and Hotmetal/HoOtmetal was sitting in a chair above me swinging a key on a lanyard around his finger when the following conversation ensued:
Me: Hotmetal can you stop doing that, I feel like you're going to let it go on my face and I'm not comfortable with that.
Mike: That's what she said.
I don't like money shots apparently.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Hotmetal: I haven't talked to Biff in a while, I'll have to catch up with that guy sometime.
Val: You were hanging out with him all night last night.
Hotmetal: Oh. I'll have to catch up with him again sometime.
Friday, October 19, 2007
It's Friday, you know what that means. Today is our first ever Celebrity That's What She Said Firday. Bumbling retard John Madden was kind enough to provide us a great TWSS this week.
With 6 secs left in the first half, the Seahawks were about kick a FG. John Madden is talking about the rule that allows the coaches to call timeouts from the sidelines, and he says the following.
"Well they're going to have to change that rule. Because it comes from the back of the kicking team. And I don't like stuff that comes from the back"
Craig and Matt simultaneously said, "That's what she said."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
The damn apple I was eating this morning shot juice all over my tie. That's going to stain. See what happens when you try and be healthy? I think I'm going back to cupcakes for breakfast.
(I can't really be mad at the apple, it was delicious)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
1. I am awfully unphotogenic (not a word). First of all I have a horrible picture smile. I simply cannot fake a smile. For some reason I seemed to convey the exact opposite emotion, I just look mean. Second, I’m rarely actually looking at the camera. There are a few pictures where the entire wedding party is smiling happily while I’m looking off in the distance scowling at something. It looks like someone just punched my dog in the face off camera. Why do I look so pissed when I smile? I need to work on this problem.
2. I’m balding a rapid pace. It’s one thing to notice a few hairs on your pillow; it’s a whole different ballgame when the bright lights of a camera flash reveal large patches of scalp in a picture. This is awful. I feel like I’m being cut down in the prime of my life. I just turned 27 on Monday and I’ll be bald by 28 without some serious help. I’ll look like a freak show. Seriously, when have you ever seen a red headed bald guy? I’ve been racking my brain to come up with someone and I can’t. I think I might be the first, that’s not a feat I hoped to accomplish. I think it’s time to look into some treatment options, I’m very vain and this would be to big of a blow to the ego to recover from.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Let my take you through my morning, at that end of this you’re going to think to yourself, “well that was relatively innocuous, stop being such a baby.” What you need to keep in mind is that this wasn’t an aberration; this is an example of the type of thing that happens to me all the time. Anyway, I’ve been staying at a friend’s house for a few days, as a result of living out of a bag, and being absentminded, I find myself unprepared for certain situations. Last night I realized that I had forgotten contact solution. Luckily one of my hosts happened to wear contacts himself and was able to provide me with some, problem solved easily enough. What I failed to realize is that there are two kinds of contact solution. Jason’s brand of choice is the sort that requires an enzyme disc at the bottom of your case to neutralize the chemicals in the solution. Without said disc your eye immediately catches fire upon contact with the contact. At least that’s what it felt like while I was learning this lesson the hard way. My right eye teared up like I was watching Rudy sack the Georgia Tech quarterback while everyone chanted his name, and my eye was bloodshot. I looked like I’d been taking bong hits for three days straight; not a good office look. I frantically tried to remove the fire lens but when you’re going through an eye trauma apparently your body’s natural reaction is to blink furiously. That makes it difficult to remove a contact lens. Fortunately the severe pain went away after about 30-45 seconds. I thought that was the last of it. “That wasn’t so bad,” I thought to myself. I can deal with a few seconds of pain if that’s what it’s going to take to get my contacts in this morning, so I went for the left eye. My assessment was wrong. The pain didn’t just magically disappear in my right eye, what actually happened is that all the blinking popped right lens out of my eye and down the drain of the sink. I was able to figure that out by the fact that my left eye still hurts right now.
Ok so now I have a problem, I have a set of contact lenses that may have just made me legally blind, so I probably shouldn’t try and wear them. Normally this dilemma has a simple solution: I should just where my glasses to work. Um yeah. The thing about that is, remember a few days ago when my girlfriends car was broken into and a bunch of my belongings were stolen? One of those items happened to be my glasses. That plan is out the window. The shattered rear driver’s side window to be exact. On to plan B. I have two week disposable lenses, it’s not a problem to just pop in a new pair right? Oooh, one thing though. Remember that I’ve been homeless for the last two weeks and I don’t really have easy access to anything I own? That includes my contact lenses. Happily my stuff is at Matt’s house, which is in the same neighborhood. Even more happily he is awake when I call him and not heading to work for a little while. Unhappily I can’t drive over there because I have the vision of a fruit bat and would likely pull a Billy Joel and drive into someone’s living room. So I have to walk 2 miles, blindly over to Matt’s at 6:45 in the morning to get new pair of contacts. I have to cross some heavily trafficked roads and all I can barely see cars coming. Somehow I Mr. Magooed myself through traffic and made my way over to his house, but not before walking two blocks too far. Why did I walk two blocks too far? Because the street signs are just high enough on the poles that I can’t read them without glasses. My plan for the morning was to wake up at 6 and be at work by 6:45, thus allowing me to be home from work early enough to enjoy a relaxing afternoon. I didn’t get to work until 8:30, meaning I won’t get home until after 6. I hate my life sometimes.
I do however love the symmetry of it all. Everything comes full circle. You have an event that seems singular and final: some asshole breaks Leslie’s car window and steals my stuff (which is all utterly worthless and useless to them and yet has a very high value to me), a police report is filed, and the window is fixed. You think it’s over right, oh no friend, just when I need a pair of glasses the most this jumps up and bites me in the ass. Then my homelessness comes into play. Seemingly unrelated crappy events affecting other crappy events to make them even crappier, my life is an episode of Lost. Here’s the real kick in the junk of it all though: today is my Birthday. Happy f’ing birthday, at least the day can’t get any worse.
Friday, October 12, 2007
It's That's What She Said Friday, but not just any TWSSF. It's a special TWSSF because today is the birfday of two of our most frequent contributors and loyal readers. Have a happy B day Dave and Amanda, I hope it doesn't suck. That's what she said. Here's an email I got from Leslie this week:
Kristin was feeling like she may be getting sick so during lunch she went over to whole foods to pick up some vitamin C. She came back with a big bottle of these huge green pills. The bottle instructs you to take 6 every 3 hours, which seems ridiculous and lethal.
Not to be deterred, Kristin confirmed "Its ok guys Im really good at swallowing things."
Morgan: "Thats what she said"
To make it even funnier Kristin didnt even hear Morgan because she was too focused on the pill popping. I was just sitting at my desk giggling for a few minutes then Kristin said, "What? What did I say? Ohh Im good at swallowing? I knew that came out wrong." (Ed. Note: I wou'd have added a second TWSS after that last comment, but that's just me.
Working in the field that I do (structural engineering) I come across some fairly hilarious terms. Being extremely immature I often laugh at these terms. An example:
A coworker was on the phone with a client discussing the final plans for some building I don't know anything about when he said, "We're going to have trouble getting it erected." What I heard was, "I'm going to have trouble getting an erection," obviously I found this hialrious. In my head I said, that's what he said. I almost said it out loud but then I thought if I said that it might sound like I was projecting some sort of personnal problem so I tried to think of a way to say it without sounding like I had erectile dysfunction. The best I could come up with was "That's what she hopes he doesn't say." I almost said that but then I thought that would sound like I was trying to hard so I wanted to come up with something better. By then the moment had passed. Moral of the story? I'm a nerd.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
One these days soon I'll regain the energy and the desire to write actual posts again instead of this crap. As awesome as that crap is.
Monday, October 08, 2007
That is seriously the worst scrape I've ever had. I couldn't sleep at all on Saturday because it was ozzing puss everywhere and sticking to the bed. I kept making that teeth sucking noise like Peter Griffin after he banged his knee. So it begs the following question, eshewing comments about how pale and skinny my legs are, how did I hurt my leg?
Friday, October 05, 2007
It's Friday. You know what that means. It's time for another installment of That's What She Said Friday! I know it's pretty lame to not post all week and then come back with this but I'm doing it anyway. I've been busy, get off my back. From Dave, enjoy (he doesn't use capital letters):
short and simple:
my key was kind of jamming in the front door and not unlocking easy, so i sprayed some WD-40 on it and then it worked pretty well.
so i say to my roomate, "it is working better, i lubed it up." and he made the obvious reply "is it thats what she said friday yet?"
and then he used his key and said that he thought it was a little too loose. so my front door is a whore now.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The point is normally I would’ve made fun of this guy having no idea whether he deserved it or not. Now though I think karma has jumped up to bite me. You see, as of this week I will be joining the ranks of the homeless I so mercilessly belittle. My lease is up on Sunday, my roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left without a place of my own. Well not really, I’m moving in with a friend who recently bought a house but the room won’t be available for another couple of weeks. So I’m out on the streets. Well not really that either, fortunately I have neither a drug or alcohol problem that has alienated everyone in my life who I could ask for help. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful girlfriend who will keep me from being a total vagrant until I can move in to the new place. But still, I’ll be a nomad living out of a bag for two or the weeks. It’s pretty annoying and it’s definitely my karmic payback for using the homeless for comedic gain. Plus what if this is where it all starts? Maybe this is the beginning of a slippery slope. It starts with me staying in a different house every few days. Then someone says, “Hey why don’t you try some of this crack?” And I’m all, “Sure what’s the worst that can happen?” Then bam, I’m a homeless guy begging for change and getting made fun of by some loser with a blog. That would suck, but at least I’d get some free PF Chang’s every once in a while.
Friday, September 21, 2007
That's What She Said Friday is back! I missed the last two weeks and was pretty thoroughly berated for it. Sorry for having a job that sometimes gets in the way of you being entertained by juvenile humor. I won't let it happen again. Jerks. I wasn't going to do it again this week because caught some sort of deadly virus on a plane this weekend. Or a cold, either way I feel like crap. Airplanes are cess pools of disease by the way. Especially ones flying between Cleveland and Baltimore. Anyway, on with the festivities.
Here's one I stole from Jake:
Went on a SHA golf outing today. Frank, a 55 year old head of the hydro department, picks up a golf ball and slowly reads the label on it aloud, "Noodle... long and soft". Without hesitation, Denny, a 60 some year old highway designer, blurts out "That's what your wife said." I guess that's the old balls way of saying TWSS.
It's nice to see the forefathers of TWSS still have it.
For some reason Brian thought it would be a good idea to try and sharpen a Twizzler and use it as a pencil. This process is harder than you think. Also it produces a conversation resulting in no less than 5 top notch TWSSs. I only remember one (Don't forget I'm nearly on my deathbed, it may have caused some sort of neurological damage), here's how it went:
Bingo was trying to sharpen the Twizzler himself but was having a harder time operating the manual pencil sharpener and holding the Twizzler firm enough to be sharpened.
Brian: (Now holding the Twizzler) You get it going and I'll stick it in as hard as I can.
Bingo: (Cranking furiously at the pencil sharpener)
Me: That's what he said.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Hail to the Redskins!
Braves on the Warpath!
Fight for old D.C.!
Run or pass and score -- we want a lot more!
Beat 'em, Swamp 'em,
Touchdown! -- Let the points soar!
Fight on, fight on 'Til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Rah!, Rah!, Rah!
Hail to the Redskins!
Braves on the Warpath!
Fight for old D.C.!
Can I start getting excited yet?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
1. I am the official last word on all things badass. If you need to know if
you or something around you is in fact badass I’m the one to talk. Or…
2. I’m the biggest badass in the world.
You know what? Strike that, it doesn’t mean on of those two, it’s both of those two. If I get final say on what is badass or not then I say I’m the biggest badass in the world. And if I ‘m the biggest badass in the world then who could possibly be more of an expert on what is or isn’t badass? So for future reference if you ever are on the fence as to whether something is badass or not feel free to email me or leave a comment and I’d be more than happy to provide an answer to your query. Or I might just say f you, because I’m badass and I don’t have to answer your stupid questions if I don’t want.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Kudos to you sir on your bold maneuvers through the city streets this morning, I must say you caught me completely off guard. When you were in the far left lane of a six lane road with your left turn signal on, and I pulled up in the lane next to you at the stop light I certainly was not expecting that upon the light turning green you would immediately veer right to try and get in my lane totally cutting me off and nearly sideswiping me. You gave me the old okey doke, fake left, go right. That gets me every time. Even more unexpected was your incredulous hand gesture you gave me when I honked my horn to prevent you from driving directly into my fender. Apparently I’m the asshole for be in the path of your insanely erratic driving. I apologize, next time I’ll be sure to yield for people driving diagonally across the flow of traffic. I should’ve known better. It got even better though when you decided you did in fact want to make that desired left turn a few blocks later. The only problem was that it came from the right lane of the intersection thus adding the driver of a large SUV to the list of people who had nearly t-boned you this morning. Unfortunately he made the same mistake as I did in thinking that you were at fault. Although I would have to side with him on this matter. Based on a very small sample size it seems as though 20 out of every 60 seconds you spend on the road you’re being honked at. This should be a sign to you. Perhaps you need to reevaluate things. Maybe take another drivers’ education course. Or take more taxis. It seems to me that the only reason you’re still alive is because of the safe driving of the people around, which obviously you don’t realize because you drive with your eyes closed. I hope you can take my advice to heart, no one to see flying through a windshield one day.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I decided to troll around my usually news sites this morning to see if there was anything I felt the need to comment on. Luciano Pavarotti died; I figured I could write something funny about that. You know, something along the lines of: What a shocker, didn’t see that one coming blah blah blah. Make a joke about cannolis or meat sauce or something. Basically the standard Pavarotti is fat joke. Then I saw he actually died of pancreatic cancer, not something related to his morbid obesity. Also it’s in poor taste and not that funny to make fun of dead people. Or fat people. Especially internationally beloved dead, fat people. I’m a dick.
I thought I might just give up. Put up a TWSSF post tomorrow and call it a week. Then I ran across this gem. A man shot himself in the leg fleeing the scene of a robbery inside RFK stadium. There are just so many great parts of this story. Apparently when security half-assedly (it’s a word) waves those wands around my crotch their doing absolutely nothing to ensure my safety because this dude didn’t seem to have a problem getting a gun past them. Clearly he isn’t some criminal mastermind who devised an ingenious scheme to get a gun on the premises for the sake of a robbery because he attempted to rob a vendor ON THE FIFTH FLOOR. Seriously, the top floor of the stadium is where you decide to stage this daring raid? Not the first floor so you can run right outside and get away. Not to mention that’s the upper deck. Where the poor people sit. Who’s buying more $9 personal pizzas; the people fighting a nose bleed a mile high in the bleachers or the people in the box seats? I’ll grant you one reprieve, there’s probably less security on that floor, but you still have to run past the security on all the other floors. Although based on their previously stated wanding skills it’s probably not shocking that you managed to make it outside before they caught you. Maybe you thought this out better than I thought robber. I just wish I was there to see the chase. Imagine how hilarious it was watching them wind back and forth down those ramps. It’s like a high speed chase down a spiral staircase.
Now about the gun. Clearly the plan was to ditch it when you were outside the stadium. My advice to you sir, ditch it before shooting yourself in the leg. Running is hard with a gunshot wound.
Here’s another query I have: why travel from Baltimore to robbed a stadium in D.C.? There’s a stadium in Baltimore as well. I’ve been there, it’s nice. Also, you know those security guards they have at RFK pretending to care if you bring a gun in? Well they don’t even have those in Baltimore. Its fool proof, not even the slightest chance getting caught before you pull off the robbery. Plus instead of hopping fences and shooting yourself in the leg you could just run home, kick your feet up, and count your money. All in all I’d say that was a pretty awful plan. My favorite part of this article though was the last sentence. Thanks for mentioning the Nats won, that’s just icing on the cake.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I'm actually extremely busy at work today which is really rare. I have a ton of work to do before I leave at three for the weekend. You think that's stopping from posting That's What She Said Friday? Hell no. My dedication is unparalleled. Not my dedication to my job mind you, my dedication to you, the readeres. On with it:
Her's one from frequent contributers Kenny and Amanda:
Its game night with the work crew. Everyone is sitting there, relatively silent as one game changes to the next. Across from me is one Mr. Kim Robinson...he's trying to take a sip through a straw of his frozen daquari and he's just not having the success he wants.
Kim: Man, I can't get this up
Amanda (looks around to see who is within ear shot): That's what she said.
All: Laughter, snickering and some questions about "who is she?"
Also frequent contributor Mike added to his frequent contributions:
One of my fellow nerd poker players had these gourmet stuffed olives and offered me one, so I tried to get one out of the jar without sticking my whole hand in. I was basically using one finger and trying to roll one up the side of the jar. She saw my unsuccessful attempts at obtaining the olive and said "What are you doing? Use two fingers!" And well, you know what I said next otherwise I wouldn't be writing you this email.
I had a good one this week also! Here it goes:
Leslie: (trying on headbands) I wish this was a little tighter.
Me: That's what he said.
Boo ya. See how I switch that up on you guys. That's what he said is really advanced, only an expert like myself can pull something like that off.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I can't wrap my head around that enough to be snarky. That is simply the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I can only assume you came here seeking council on matters of the heart, and let me tell you, you came to the right place. Not only am I an expert on love, I'm also an expert on homeless people. First off though I have to ask, why the despondent tone? You sound as if you feel this is some sort of forbidden love that should go unrequited simply because this person doesn't have a home, or job, or the ability to say no to drugs. I say that hogwash. The heart wants what the heart wants and you should never deny it that. But I would recommend going into this relationship with a slight sense of trepidation. Don't get caught up paying every time you guys go on a date. And sometimes insist on sleeping in the streets with this person. It's the only way to know they're in it for the right reason and not simply because you have food and shelter. You not in this for charity, you're in it for love. But in summation I say go for, tell this Homeless Dude about your feelings and enjoy the rewards.
Friday, August 24, 2007
It's friday, you know what that means, it's time to let everyone else do the work for me with That's What She Said Friday! Lets get to it.
This weekend I was in New York with Mike and Leslie. We stayed with Mike's cousin Brian, who is not exactly a TWSS connoisseur. He hasn't quite grasped the joke, but he tries and that's what really matters. On Saturday we were coming out of the subway, Brian in the lead, when we ran into a homeless man who said "Got any change you can spare?"
To which Brian's response was, "That's what she said."
I think the homeless guy was a little befuddled because he then said, "Who's she?"
Here's one of the raunchy TWSSs you'll hear. Matt has a coworker who has been fighting a cold all week. He decided to battle through the cold and have some spicy food lunch which he described thusly, "It's kind of hot going down my throat." Matt didn't choke this time and actually provided the appropriate response. I'm glad you're learning the importance of That's What She Said in our society Matt.
Here's a submission from Dave:
a couple of my eletrical sockets stopped working tonight, so my roomate and linds (Ed note: Dave's fiancee) and i are trying to fix them. we end up hitting the reset button and it works. i said, oh yeah, thats what i sometimes have to do the socket outside for the sump pump. if it gets too wet, i need to stick my finger under it and hit the button.
my roomate replies...
That's What She Said (Ed. Note: Well played Dave's roommate)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
- DC cops suck
- I hate the f’ing metro
- Missed Connections anyone?
- What LNS is up to this week
People will be so intrigued they can’t stay away. Only to be disappointed by what lame crap I’m writing about now.
- Speaking of blog stats, I just looked at Technorati for the first time ever. I see it everywhere but I was much too lazy to care what it was until today. Apparently I have the 876,860th most popular blog. Boo yah.
- I know that no one likes to hear about someone else’s dream but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s relevant, you’ll see. I dreamed I was in Transformers the movie last night. I don’t remember a lot of the details, I never do, but it doesn’t matter anyways because I’ve never seen the movie so I don’t really know how accurate they would be. And I hate Shia Lebeouf. It was a surprising vivid dream considering it was totally drawn from a 30 second trailer. Anyway, in that dream a lot of people are dying, I didn’t but Transformers were eating my friends left and right. It was gruesome. Well when my alarm went off this morning guess which song was playing? No, it wasn’t the theme from Transformers, that would be way too obvious. It was “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel. Isn’t that freaky? All my friends were dying. They’re good. They’re young. Uncanny. That type of stuff happens to me all the time. I might be Harry Potter and not know it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
This weeks TWSS comes from Mike and Tony. Mike as has been documented was on the forefront of TWSS awesomeness, Tony is a relative newcomer. It involves an epic, unprecedented TWSS triple. Enjoy:
Backstory: Tony is a former officemate of Mike's in grad school. He's an avid fan of both the Office and baseball. They were at a Nats game.
Tony (half way through an Italian sausage, looks up with a smirk): This sausage is huge, I'm having trouble fitting my mouth around it.
Mike: That's what she said.
Tony: That was like T-ball.
Mike: Yeah, as soon as you turned your head I knew something was coming... (brief pause) That's what she said.
Tony: Nice self set-up.
Mike: Sometimes you have to do that.
Tony: Yeah, now that you aren't there any more, I'm forced to do it in the office.
Mike: That's what she said.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
There is another man I see everyday that I have a lot of questions about. My house is about 200 yards from a large intersection. It gets very busy during rush hour, and everyday for close to a year this guy walks between the cars stopped at the red light with a sign, panhandling. I’ve never given him any money because it didn’t take long for me to realize that he’s making a pretty solid living. The guy has to make at least $8-$10 an hour. Some Walmart employees would be pissed if they knew about this guy. Also he never asked me, which I find sort of insulting. Do I look like some dick who wouldn’t give you any change? I mean I wouldn’t, but still. This man changes his clothes a couple times a week. Where does he keep his clothes? Granted he’s still not the cleanest guy in the world, and you can still usually tell he doesn’t bath regularly, but the ability to pick what outfit you want to wear to take advantage of the kindness of strangers that day puts you a step above your average beggar. From time to time I’ve seen him taking a break from begging for snack time. He takes a stroll down to Royal Farms for some yum yums to treat himself for a hard days work. And I wonder, when you’re homeless why go for the Goldfish and Oreo Cookies? Wouldn’t you want a turkey sandwich or something? Perhaps some protein or carbohydrates so you don’t, you know, die of malnutrition? I was always a little skeptical about whether he was actually homeless or not because of these things but yesterday removed a lot of doubt. I was walking downtown and I saw the same guy. I guess he had just gotten off of work at his corner and was taking a stroll. I was like oh hey, that’s that homeless guy, what’s he doing down here. Then I noticed something odd on his belt (some might even find it odd that he was wearing a belt but whatever). I glanced down and he had a cell phone clipped to his belt. I was stunned. First of all I always thought this guy seemed pretty cool, clearly he’s not because everyone knows cell phone belt clips are super lame. Second of all, how the f does a homeless guy have a cell phone? And who is he calling? And don’t any of those people have a couch he can crash on. I was pretty pissed that this guy goes out begging for people’s hard earned money and somehow affords a cell phone. Then this morning I saw him rocking a discman. This was equally as galling. Batteries are expensive and he’s homeless, which means he has to be bored a lot so I’m sure he wears them out often. If this guy ever asks me for money I’m punching him in the balls.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Group of motorcyclists pulls up to a stop light
Biker #1: Um dude, I just picked up half of your leg off of the road back there, you want it?
Biker #2: (bleeding profusely) What? Oh man. I don't know if you saw but I ran into that barrier a couple miles ago. I felt a little sting, but son of a bitch if my leg didn't fall off.
Biker #1: You want to maybe go to a hospital or something.
Biker #2: That might be a good idea. Passes out
Nice window display Baby Gap. Do these shirts come with free admission to lacrosse camp? Seriously though, if I wanted to raise a litter of douche bags I don't need your double polo popped collar look, I'll just join the Republican party.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I can tell by the literally tens of people flooding my stat tracker this morning that That's What She Said Friday is a bona fide phenomenon. The readers love it, I love it, Dwight Schrute loves it. I must provide a disclaimer though; My inbox has been blowing up all week with reader submissions, which is kick ass. Unfortunately I can't use them all because I'm just to lazy to compile everything together. I mean, really it's a lot of work. So if you don't see yours don't take offense, it doesn't mean you're not awesome, it just means that someone might have been awesomer this week. Anyway, on to it:
First up today is from Aaron, who was playing golf this Saturday with his girlfriend Sarah and her father when the following exchange occured:
sarah's dad: "you've really got to stick it in there stiff"
sarah: "that's what she said"
Next is from frequent TWSSF contributor Amanda and her sister Jeanine, who is best described as an avid reader and loyal fan. They were making a scrapbook for their younger sister Sarah which lead to this:
Jeanine: I have to say, it's much better doing this with someone than
having to do it all by myself
Calvin: That's what she said.
And one final TWSS for this week courtesy of my broseph. I'll let him tell you in his own words:
Maybe this doesn't apply because she actually said it, but I laughed and so I thought I'd share.
This was a conversation about roller coasters Sunday night. I don't how it started. Doesn't matter.
Jennifer: We went to Busch Gardens and rode the Griffon.......blah, blah, more story
Kessley: I hate roller coasters! (proceeds to tell lengthy story detailing traumatic childhood event). I don't understand what you like about them? Is it the feeling that you somehow survived something scary and dangerous?
David (that's me): It's just an adrenaline rush. There's no fear involved.
Josh: I hate them too. Jennifer makes me ride them.
Ashley (who, to this point, had contributed nothing to the conversation): You can put me on anything and I'll ride it!
Kessley, Josh, and Jennifer: silence
Well, you know the rest.......I couldn't resist the TWSS
Hope you enjoyed it, keep the submissions coming and I'll keep mailing it in on Fridays for your enjoyment.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Are you kidding me? Tell me you could ever be in a bad mood after watching Zach and Kelly in quite possibly the worst acted, worst written break up scene of all time. Even better than that, the background music is being provided by Jessy and Slater lip syncing a Michael Bolton song. I was dying and am still laughing now. Thank you Saved By the Bell, you made my day.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
It’s That’s What She Said Friday! This week was a really tough one. I had two excellent choices; I went back and forth all morning over which selection would make cut. Eventually I came to the decision that you guys have been really good this week and deserve a special treat. It’s a That’s What She Said double feature!
The first one comes from my friend Pat. He’s an architect, but he also happens to be an AutoCAD specialist. I’ve seen his work, it’s stellar. As a result of being better at AutoCAD than everyone else he often gets annoying requests for help from his coworkers. Enjoy the following exchange:
Co-worker- "yo...can you save that rendering on the network for me?"
Pat - frustrated because this happens a lot "fine...tell me where to save it?"
Co-worker- with an equally frustrated tone back to me "i don’t care...just put it wherever you want..."
Pat - "that’s what she said..."
BSSC is the organization that runs the social sports leagues in Baltimore (you know, where my friends and I win all the championships, except for softball this year, I don’t want to talk about it). Matt works for BSSC on the side refereeing football and volleyball, and being an official for softball and kickball. During softball season his job is to set up the fields before the games and then walk around making sure no chaos ensues. This week he was installing the bases on a field (which are held in by metal stakes driven into the dirt) with Becca when this conversation took place:
Becca - Let me show you a trick.
Becca – You have to find the hole before you hammer it in.
Matt - ---snickering---
Matt - ……
Matt - ….
He didn’t say that’s what she said. Can you believe that? What a wasted opportunity. Matt, I don’t even know you anymore.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Yesterday I came in the apartment and went straight to the kitchen to put away some groceries. When I got to the refrigerator a bird swooped down to attack me, just missing by my head. Judging by the fact that I may have soiled myself a little bit I was pretty sure it was some sort of falcon, or maybe a bald eagle. Either way it was definitely a huge bird and it scared to poop out of me. Turns out it was one of these:
I'm a huge pussy apparently
He flew into a corner behind the microwave and the chase was on. Cut to me in a sitcom chasing a tiny bird around my house with a bucket. That little bastard was fast, and really stupid. He just kept flying back and forth from corner to corner trying to hide, and I could never reach him. He ran into the window at least three times and never noticed the gaping hole of freedom that was the open door. Finally I had to use all of my genius and cunning to solve this problem. I got him into a corner directly across from the door, then using the couch, an armchair and some cushions I created a tunnel leading right out. Once I scared him out of that corner he had no choice but to head for the door. I’m like the MacGyver of getting birds to not be in your house.