Thursday, December 28, 2006

And I'm Back

Going to the gym is something I enjoy. I always feel better about myself, mentally and physically, after a workout. The results don’t really show when I exercise often, I’m still just skinny and pale, but at least I feel better. It’s been well over a year since I went to the gym because there wasn’t one convenient to me after I moved, but now I’m back in the city and there are at least three within reasonable walking distance so I don’t have that excuse anymore. I really have been meaning to join one but just haven’t gotten around to it because I’ve had other things to do. My social calendar is just booked solid for months at a time, you know how it is. Now that the holidays are just about over and I have nothing but time on my hands I really should get on that though, but there is another problem I face now. I can’t join a gym right now and have everyone thinking that I made some New Year’s resolution to get in shape. It’s a mental roadblock I just can’t seem to get around. I can be lumped in with that same group of indolent people who need an excuse to get off there ass. I need that excuse for everything else in my life, but not this. So basically I have to wait a month to do something I wanted to do weeks ago because I am a little lazy and a lot weird.

It’s not as if I hate New Year’s resolutions. I actually kind of enjoy them. I like structure, I like procrastination, and I like round numbers. A New Year’s resolution offers all of those things. You have a full year to accomplish a goal, a very structured amount of time. Most resolutions are something a person should have been doing a long time ago, but you can put it off until the New Year and call it a resolution. And you have definitive start date. It’s perfect really. I do in fact have a resolution, its money related, in the sense of me not spending so much of it. It should be a pretty easy goal to achieve taking into consideration the fact that I eat out everyday for lunch and most days for dinner. The simple act of making a sandwich ever once in a while has the potential to save me hundreds of dollars. Also I would like to be enrolled in a graduate program by the end of the year. That’s sort of money related as well since the only real reason I want to do this is to get paid more. Who really cares about bettering oneself of the pursuit of knowledge? Not me.

Those aren’t very exciting at all though, so I decided I need to jazz it up a little. True to my usual form, I need a resolution that is virtually impossible for me to accomplish but that I can feign total confidence in my ability to do so. Everyone knows about my marathon running, that is a great example, and it has to be accomplished within the year, but that’s a bet, so I need a different one for my resolution. Here is what I chose: by the end of the year 2007 I would like to dunk a basketball. Why would I pick this you ask? For the obvious reason, dunking is badass, and so am I. Can I do this? No, absolutely not. I’m 5’10”, not in good shape, and could barely touch the rim when I was, but I made it my resolution and if I don’t do it I’m a total failure. So good luck to me.

Here are a few more of my resolutions:

At the top of my list: "Continue to kick ass"
And then I hope to "Be as bad as I know I can be"
Also, to "Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy's mojo"
In addition, I plan to "Give it as good as I get it"
"Be all that and more"
and "Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket"
Plus, I plan to "Work my voodoo on the lady fans"
"Take a thorn out of some cat's paw."
and "Build a shrine to my own bad ass"
Then, it's time to "Give the demons what for"
"Spare the rod and spoil the face"
and "Continue to kick ass"
After which, I'll "Show the bad men what it's all about"
"Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop"
and "Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church"
Finally, this year, I will "Stick it to all the suckas"
and I'm gonna "Show the man that I mean business"
..and I'm gonna "Take a computer class."

(if you get the reference you’re my new favorite reader)

Friday, December 22, 2006

Talk about heart warming

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a beloved Christmas classic. Nothing gets me in the spirit of the season like Burl Ives. That guy can narrate the hell out of a tale. I have a few random thoughts I’d like to discuss though.

First of all, Santa is a total dick in the cartoon. He’s an intolerant bigot. He’s all I hope Rudolph grows out of that nose thing or he’ll never make the sleigh team. How ‘bout you don’t judge a book by its cover you racist (and don’t get me started on Donner, nothings ever good enough for you is it Dad?). Then Ms. Clause is just trying to make him a nice meal and he won’t eat because he’s all crabby about the singing elves and all their damn Christmas spirit. You’re Santa how do you hate Christmas music? Then he tries to cancel Christmas at the drop of a hat. All I know is King Moonracer wouldn’t potentially ruin the lives of thousands of children because of a few flurries. Also he gains about 150 pounds in like an hour, I’m no doctor but that seems like something he might want to have checked out. And doesn’t Santa usually hand deliver the toys, or is because they’re misfit toys that they just get dropped off the sleigh with nothing more than an umbrella and a kick in the ass. I been walking down the street and had a light breeze turn my umbrella inside out. I’m all for Christmas magic and everything but I don’t think those umbrellas are going to cushion the fall from about 22,000 feet. Basically Santa is just sending the misfit toys to their death. There’s a word for that Santa, its called genocide, or ethnic cleansing if you prefer.

Abominable Snow Monster, if you’re really coming to Christmas Town looking for work, maybe you want to have more skills on your resume than being tall enough to put the star on the tree. Because they can get an elf to make a ladder for free and accomplish the same task. Also I just saw Yukon Cornelius lift up 4 elves at once to do the same thing, and he can also mine for silver and gold and lead a team of sled dogs so by my estimation that makes you useless.

Was Charlie in the Box always flamboyantly gay? I don’t remember that.

I don’t even want to talk about Hermey, that guy is just a train wreck.

Have holly jolly Christmas. After all, it is the best time of the year. Unless you’re an elf working for the a hole Santa.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Update Operation:F U Jake and Matt

As you may or may not know I am running marathon to win a bet. I started training in early November and I can only say that progress is slow but steady. I am in infinitely better shape than I was a few months because, well, I do stuff now. On the other hand I am nowhere near where one should be should they want to run 26 miles in a reasonable amount of time. As previously stated I was using hatred as my main form of motivation, but that doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. Things have become stagnant, I need a new push. Fortunately, with the help of the Sports Guy, I’ve found a weapon to give me that extra edge needed to put me over the top, the kick in ass that will keep my feet moving when I’m too tired to run anymore. That’s right friend, I have just added to my iPod “Going the Distance” from the Rocky soundtrack. I’m telling you that it is a near physical impossibility to run slowly once you hear those bells tolling. This may push me under a three hour marathon I get that fired up about it. There are a few potential negatives to this new development though that I am more than a little worried about:

1. Goosebumps add wind resistance, which could slow me down.

2. I fear tripping over one of the hundreds of children running behind me; it’s an injury waiting to happen.

3. It will be difficult to complete a 15-20 mile training running after having sprinted the first ten minutes because I’m so pumped up about the Rocky music. I sense a lot of vomiting resulting from this.

4. I may miss several schedule runs due to my impending legal battles caused by punching strangers in the face and yelling “Yo Adrian, we did it” because I’m so pumped up about the Rocky music.

We’ll just have to wait and see, but I think with the help of the Italian Stallion I may be able reach heights previously though to be unreachable and make Operation: F U Jake and Matt a success.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Let's Go Bowling

Fiestas Bowl
Orange Bowl
Rose Bowl
Sugar Bowl
National Championship Game

ok I'll give you that, but:

Brut Sun Bowl
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Toyota Gator Bowl
Capital One Bowl
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Chick-fil-A Bowl
PetroSun Independence Bowl
Outback Bowl
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Insight Bowl
Champs Sports Bowl
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Alamo Bowl
Motor City Bowl
MPC Computers Bowl
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone
Texas Bowl
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Emerald Bowl
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta Bowl Bowl
New Mexico Bowl
International Bowl

Some people try and argue that college football is better than the NFL. That is false.

I mean, it's not even the Papa Johns bowl, it's the bowl.

(P.S. As a fellow ginger, and also by special request, I would like to wish a happy 23rd bday to the reddest redhead I know, even though she's moving away probably never to return, which is upsetting)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Seriously you guys

Dear Friends on the West Coast,

Remember when, for a solid year to year and a half, I was pretty certain that I either had chronic fatigue syndrome or the most extreme case of mono ever? Or how for a while I seemed to be tired all the time and was prone to falling asleep at inappropriate times and places, like class or bars? My point is that sleep is a very important part of ones life, and perhaps even more important for myself when taking into account my notorious lack of energy. I’m a complete waste of space when I don’t get at least a solid 7 hours. This is where you guys come into play. You can help me in my quest to get a good nights rest. How you ask? Well there is a time difference between Maryland and California, so to ensure that you are not depriving me of my much needed siesta you could stop calling me at 4 or 5 in the morning 3 days a week. It’s killing me. Just think to yourself, the bar just closed meaning its pretty late here so it must very late on the east coast and it would be totally inappropriate for me to call someone right now. Well actually, calling because you were reminded of the time in college that you convinced me that I was talking in my sleep about Kristy Yamiguchi is fine. That was a pretty funny joke that I had forgotten about and was happy to remember it. I still think it could’ve waited until the morning though. But Dave, come on, did you really need to call me from your vacation in Vegas just to have all of our friends chant that I’m a pussy. I know that everyone loves that chant and I’m sure that you all had a great time doing it, but at 4 a.m. on a Sunday, dammit.

I know what you’re going to say too, it’s your own fault Eric, why don’t you just turn off your phone at night? And I’d say, I’m sort of a paranoid person by nature and since my cell phone is my only means of communication the minute I turn it off at night something terrible will happen to a loved one and I will be impossible to reach for assistance until it’s much to late. So I hope your little jokes are worth a tragedy involving someone very close to me Friends on the West Coast.

I still love you though,


Friday, December 15, 2006

I'm a Bit of a Foody

In a fit of laziness yesterday I posted a few links to stories that I found amusing and/or interesting. Surprisingly the only thing anyone seemed to focus on was the fact that I had tried broccoli for the first time ever this week. It was shocking to people, but if you think that’s strange you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. While the title has yet to be bestowed upon me I may be The World’s Pickiest Eater. So let’s talk about some of my food related neurosis.

Some of them are rather common, for example I despise mayonnaise. It is without a doubt my least favorite thing in the world, not just food, I mean out of everything in the entire world I hate mayonnaise more than anything. If mayonnaise has touched anything that I may at some point consume I can’t eat it. And don’t try and be funny and sneak some mayonnaise on my sandwich, because I’ll know, and I will punch you in the face. I also don’t eat seafood; I can’t get over the smell. This seems mildly reasonable to most people until they find out that I lived no more than a few minutes from the ocean for the first 20 years of my life. It’s like I grew up in some seafood Mecca and it’s sacrilegious for me not to love it. Also when I moved away I moved to Maryland where if you bad mouth a blue crab you’re putting your life in serious jeopardy.

Then there are the texture issues, there are a large assortment of things that I can’t eat because of texture. A lot of them I actually enjoy the flavor but the texture makes me want to vomit. Melons would be a good example of this, watermelons are delicious, but they are so squishy and gross I can’t eat them. The whole it’s a solid but not really thing bothers me. The only fruit I eat really are apples and grapes. Not all of that is texture related (like pears are just disgusting), but a lot of it is. Oranges, tangerines, peaches, apricots, you name I spurn them based on texture. Also gummi bears or anything in the gummi family I hate for the same reasons.

Vegetables are a different story. I just didn’t eat a wide variety as a child. We had corn, potatoes, or green beans most of the time. I’m actually finding I like most vegetables raw, but cooked is a different story. I love mashed potatoes, but I find that if they’re to smooth they make me gag and if they’re too lumpy the same result occurs. I don’t like mushy vegetables either. Bean are just sick, black, pinto, lima, whatever. Gross. And why do people cook vegetables down to the consistency of baby food. Carrots and celery are perfectly delicious when they have some bite to them, why ruin that. I love raw onions, I could eat them like apples if that were acceptable in polite society, but I don’t like cooked onions. Although if I’m eating a cheeseburger and an onion starts peeking out the side of the bun I usually take it off, I don’t really get it either.

There are many more examples of my craziness. I’m fairly certain most of it boils down to childhood opinions of things that are icky and if I actually tried more things I’d find that I rather enjoy some of them, but I’m not willing to take that chances. I have started to expand my horizons lately. I’ve added asparagus, bell peppers, and most recently broccoli to my vegetable repertoire. I ate lobster a few months ago and didn’t hate it, but I think if you slathered my own arm in enough melted butter I’d eat it and find it lovely. There is hope for me yet, but seriously don’t put any mayonnaise on my food or you’ll regret it.

Speaking of food the old alma mater is having an excellent food/poop related epidemic. I miss that place.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I Got Nothing

Deer commits suicide. Claims "it" can't take the stares anymore. Excellent quotes from hunter/master of the obvious ensue.

As usual, I am just not funny enough to do this justice.

What's wrong with America: How many people saw the headline and the first thing they thought was, wait is he a Democrat or Republican?

Thank God this is finally settled. I don't know about you but I haven't slept in 10 years wondering about this mystery.

The fine folks at Fox News don't "get" Jay-Z. Duh.

Wait, wait, wait. I always thought she was a lesbian.

I ate broccoli for the first time ever yesterday. I wasn't bad.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Get Out of the City

Augusto Pinochet died on Sunday. Apparently he is a character that creates a very divided opinion among the masses. To some a ruthless dictator who murdered and tortured thousands of people in a coup d'etat. To others a figure who ushered in unparalleled economic success and politic freedoms in South America. I actually have no idea, I'm not too up on my world politics. I just enjoy his name because it reminds of Bronson Pinchot. You may know him better as the lovable Balki Bartokomous on tv's Perfect Strangers.

Monday, December 11, 2006

I'll be fighting maturity 'til the bitter end

I consider myself to be in sort of a transition age. Things are starting to slow down a little bit. The first few years out of school didn’t seem terribly different from college (of course I mean in the sense of your social life, everything else was completely different, and much less awesome). We basically did all the same things we did in college and acted like just as huge of jackasses, but now we had a steady income so we drank better beer and went to Atlantic City a lot more often. But now we’re in transition age. People are turning into real life adults. Half my friends are married. Many have bought their first house. When people start having kids that’s when I’ll begin to feel really old. Those of course are the major results on the changeover to adulthood; I am more interested in the little difference because I think they’re hilarious.

I went to a holiday party thrown by a friend of my roommates this weekend, I didn’t know very many people there, and it was rife with examples of how life is different now than it was just a few years ago. I don’t hate wine, and it’s starting to grow on me, but in general I would usually prefer a beer so I’m always thrown off when I show up at a party and that’s all anyone is drinking (with the other featured drinks being egg nog and hot chocolate, it is a Christmas party after all). When did we stop drinking keg beer out of red solo cups? I don’t know but I sort of miss that. Food is a change as well. Not that food at a party is uncommon but in transition age you go from chips and salsa and a bag of Doritos to brie wheels, cheese and vegetables trays, stuffed mushrooms, and many other delicious treats. This is actually a substantial upgrade that I’m pretty excited about in the future.

About halfway through the party is when things started to get really odd. The host was walking around the party handing out little packets of paper. I thought this to be pretty odd until I got mine and realized it was sheet music with lyrical accompaniment to some beloved Christmas jams. Oh yes, that’s right, we were going to have Christmas carol sing-along time at this party. After all it is the most wonderful of the year and what better way to express ones joy than through the magic of song. I of course was pumped. Not oh this is going to be so festive and I love Christmas pumped, more like this has the potential to be one of the weirdest things ever and I can’t wait to see how it plays out pumped. I was right; it was totally weird and fairly surreal. It’s hard to describe but just imagine you walk into a party and 35 people are hanging out around the piano singing Rockin' Around This Christmas Tree like it was a totally normal, everyday occurrence. When did I step in to a very special episode of Full House I wonder? I of course loved every second of caroling. I have terrible voice but I really crack myself by pretending I don’t and getting really really into singing. That’s why I like sing power ballads at karaoke bars. So Dan, Matt, Jake, and I tried doing some xmas carol harmonizing, barbershop quartet style. It went well I think. I sort of wanted to go walk around the neighborhood and do some real caroling because I no how great it would be if I heard a knock on my door and opened it up to 10 or 15 drunk people singing Jingle Bells.

Just to hammer home that whole transition age thing here are some examples of my friends being immature and college-y:

- While the majority of guests arrived with a bottle of wine for the party, Dave and Jake brought a box of beer. And I don’t mean they bought a 30 pack at the liquor store, I mean the filled up a brown box from a package they got in the mail with whatever assorted beers they had in the fridge.

- One of the cheeses on the cheese tray was about the worst smelling thing ever. I am in no way exaggerating when I say that it smelled like a butthole. So Dave rubbed it all over his fingers and kept holding his hand up near people’s nose so that they thought he had poop on his hands.

- Matt got absolutely hammered on eggnog. That’s not that immature, I just thought it was worth mentioning, who drinks enough eggnog to get drunk, and how did he not vomit?

- And to totally counteract any sort of class that may have rubbed off on us at the party we went to a bar afterwards and played big booty the whole time. If you don’t know it’s a drinking game. It’s hard to explain, just know that it is extremely obnoxious and loud and probably not very cool to do in public at all.

Still got it.


I forgot to mention my favorite part of the party, Dan and Katie were pretending to be the Griswolds neighbors from Christmas Vacation.

What happened to the stereo Todd?
I don't know Margot

Friday, December 08, 2006

Fun with Craigslist

There is a guy at work selling his car on Cragilist. Brian found the ad without him knowing so obviously he created a pseudonym and spent the week emailing him progressively wierder and wierder questions regarding the car. Here are the results. Enjoy

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Awww, Who Farted?

-I lack the overall comedic talent to express how truly hilarious this actually is, and I'm a little ashamed of that fact. I'm pretty sure she went with the "He who smelt it dealt it" defense before finally cracking under the pressure of FBI interrogators.

-Do you think Jim Hendry was hospitalized yesterday because he just realized he signed Ted Lilly to a $40 million contract. Paying a guy with a .500 career record and a 4.60 career ERA $10 mil. a year is enough to give anyone at least an anxiety attack or some sort of acid reflux.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Where's Ice Cube When You Need Him?

I’m always kind of scared to get my haircut somewhere I’ve never been before. I fear some sort of follicle disaster that will leave me looking like Nick Nolte or Edward Scissorhands. I recently moved so I can’t go to my old barbershop. It’s been over a month, which is entirely too long, and as Leslie so kindly put it I “look a mess” so I figured it was time to find a new place. While wondering around the new neighborhood recently I found a barbershop conveniently located about a few blocks away so I decided to give it a try. I was sort of hoping it would be like the movie because I think that would be an amazing for me. Unfortunately it wasn’t, just a very small barbershop, two chairs and two little Asian women cutting dudes hair. I had to wait for a few minutes so I started to peruse the magazine selection, that’s when I notice something was amiss. I’ve personally have never seen porn mixed in with the usual Maxim’s and Sports Illustrated’s of a normal barbershop. This sort of made me wonder if there weren’t some other more unsavory activities going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. I was pretty skeptical but decided to press on. When it was my turn to step up I was super nervous. I sat down, got my little hair smock thing on and she just started going to town without even asking what I wanted. Although after a few snips she did say, “Short in back and sides?” and I said, “Um, I guess.” I’m not really an argumentative sort, and really I’m not terribly picky so I just went with it. The only problem being that she had me facing away from the mirror the whole time. Is there anything more unsettling than having a women flailing away at your head when you can’t even see what’s happening? Oh there is one thing; when they use the straight razor to shave your neck after they’re done cutting your hair. This is terrifying to me. First off I have a mole on the back of my neck and I’m always afraid it’s going to get lopped off, and I’m certain that thing would be a bleeder. Second, I always feel like my life is in this little Asian women’s hands at that point, one flick of the wrist and I’m totally assassinated. But I made it out alive so here is an anticlimactic ending to a bad story: the haircut turned out ok. It’s a little higher and tighter than normal but that’s fine, it’ll grow back in no time. For now, as a friend would put it, I’m baby hair Eric. Basically I look like an eleven year old who may or may not have been able to get a handjob after my haircut. Which is weird.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Me So Hungy

I don’t eat breakfast. Generally I’m at work within a half an hour of waking up in the morning. I’m all about maximizing my productivity, there is only so much time in the day and I can’t waste any of it on a bowl of Froot Loops or an omelet or something. I’m always go go go and eating breakfast would just be a drag on my overall efficiency. Most important meal of the day my ass, that’s what I say.

Ok all of that is total lie. The only reason I get to work early is so that I can leave earlier. And I don’t eat breakfast because I am just way to lazy for something like that. In fact the act of going to the store to buy something to make for breakfast is too much for me a lot of the time. I don’t think you can really say you’re maximizing your productivity when you usually spend an hour or two watching the Food Network and playing freecell after work everyday.

So yeah, anyway I don’t eat breakfast which always raises an interesting question for me. On the rare days when I do mix in a bagel or something why am I always absolutely starving by lunch time? Seriously, I’m never this hungry on a regular day. Is breakfast really just a warm up for the rest of the day? I think that my stomach is eating itself right now. I’m dying. Literally. I’m so hungry I feel like I might vomit (which by the way is another very interesting phenomenon, seems backwards). Basically I think breakfast is a total scam. I think that if started eating it regularly I would gain like 30 pounds in the first month. It makes sense, I eat breakfast, I’m starving, I eat a bigger lunch and dinner than normal, on top of the food I already ate for breakfast. I’d be such a fatass. Nice try breakfast but I’m on to you.