Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I say all of this because last night I realized the biggest regret of my life has recently occurred. The opportunity of a lifetime has completely slipped away without my even realizing it. While watching Whitney: From the Hills to the City I saw it, a preview for a new MTV reality show: Bromance with Brody Jenner. Ever since Spencer Pratt went off the deep end and grew that creepy flesh colored beard Brody Jenner has been without a bro. Following in the footsteps of the immortal Paris Hilton*** he’s decided to turn to fill that void. How did I not know about this show? How did I not apply to be on this show? I’ll never forgive myself. Could you imagine the possibilities of being in a bromance with Brody Jenner (I’d call him B Jens, we’d be that tight)? Right now we could be douching it up all over LA. Meeting Lauren Conrad at Les Deux and being total tools. Going over to dad Bruce’s house and pretending we don’t want to bang his stepsister. Getting a suite at the Palms so we could be douchy in Vegas for a weekend. The possibilities are endless and I missed my chance.
I’m going to be crying myself to sleep for weeks over this.
* See: May 2005; Car; Guard rail on North Capitol St.
** I missed a flight the day after Thanksgiving last year and I’m fairly certain that it completely altered the course of my entire life, not in a positive way. But that’s another story for another time. Or probably never, because that’s not how we roll on this blog.
*** If you ever doubt what direction you should be heading in life its generally good advice to just do what Paris Hilton would do.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
“I’m pretty sure I would fuck Zac Effron. He’s prettier than most of the girls I’ve dated.”
See what I mean. You should look forward this.
He also told me that I have a beautiful falsetto. But that’s not weird. That’s just a fact.
*Part of amazing wordsmithing is making up words like wordsmithing.
**On second thought shooting rainbows out of my ass would be pretty exciting, but I can’t actually do that. I was being metaphorical.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I hope that Kay Hagan’s victory over Elizabeth Dole in the North Carolina Senate race means that being not Christian enough no longer means you’re unfit for office. Hopefully a solid platform of ideas is more important than which church you attend and what God you worship and that being a non-Christian doesn’t mean you are immoral and corrupt in the eyes of Christian voters. Some of the greatest minds in our countries history added the separation of church and state into the constitution for a reason. The gap in that separation has been closing dramatically and I hope that the results of this election start to widen it again.
I hope that once almost universally respected politicians like John McCain and Elizabeth Dole no longer have to lower themselves into the muck to appeal to the lowest common denominator of their base. I hope that intelligent debate can finally prevail over rhetoric aimed at the ignorant.
John McCain gave a gracious and eloquent concession speech last night. It was beautifully moving in its message that serving ones country and a spirit of comprise should take precedence over partisanship. The funny thing about that speech is that had that been his message all along he may have won this election. Instead he ran to the right, unleashed that lunatic Sarah Palin to ignite a base and the rest is history. I hope that the message of his speech takes hold and that he goes back to the Senate to lead that charge. I fear that it will not. Several times throughout his speech McCain had to pause, while talking about the need to work with the new president to make positive change, to let a round of boos die down. At one point a man in the crowd yelled, “You deserved better.” He was absolutely right. John McCain did deserve better. He deserved to not have to lower himself to appeal to a person like that.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Eric Fact #1
I’m lazy. Like most people, I like to do as little as humanly possible and still remain a productive member of society. I often fail at that task. And I don’t mean failing at doing as little as possible, I mean I’m often not a productive member of society.
Eric Fact #2
I don’t like to waste any time. Well, that’s not entirely true. I waste a ton of time, how can you not when the internet exists. What I should say is I’m very selective as to what time is appropriate to waste and what time is more useful. For example, time can not be wasted in the morning before work. My alarm clock is to the exact amount of time I need to get out of bed (immediately, snooze buttons are for the weak), shower, get dressed, and go straight to work on time. I don’t understand how people can relax read the newspaper and eat breakfast when they have the horror of an entire workday hanging over there heads. To me the time after work is much more productive, and at the same time more relaxing, than time after work so the sooner one gets to work the sooner they get to leave and enjoy their day.
Eric Fact #3
At times I spend money recklessly. Here’s the terrible part of that, I rarely spend recklessly on cool things. I always find myself in a situation where I think to myself, man I would love to buy this awesome sweater, or perhaps a new iPod, but I’ve spent like $700 on food this month (that includes beer also, I just wanted to mention that so it would seem less ridiculous).
Based on fact #3 I recently decided it was time to make a lifestyle change. In order to guiltlessly purchase things I need, like bedroom furniture (a Wii?) or some new clothes for work (Guitar Hero?) I’ve been eating lunch at work everyday and cooking dinner at home. It’s worked out great, I save tons of money. But here is where facts #1 and #2 come into play. I’m far too lazy, and consider it a huge waste of time, to make lunch in the morning before work. My solution is to go to the grocery store by the office and stock up on groceries that I can leave here and prepare lunch daily in the office. It’s really a great solution but it allows me to not only save a few dollars a day, but also time spent preparing food at work is time spent not working. So win-win for me.
All of this is an extremely round about way of coming to the sad realization I alluded to earlier. Here it is:
The most important decision I make all week is based around which lunch meat I’m going to buy for my sandwiches.
I know you’re thinking this sounds trivial, but I’m not sure that I can understate the importance of this decision. If I’m going to eat the same sandwich no less than 4 days out of the week it better be a damn good sandwich. Nothing can ruin a mood more than an entire weeks worth of bad lunches. Trust me; you did not want to be around for the roast beef fiasco of October 13-17. It wasn’t pretty.
Although now that I think about it, if the biggest aspect of your life is making a decision between turkey, ham, or corned beef it could be construed as sad, or it might say that you have an awesome life. I’m going to go with the later. Mostly because I have a glass half full kind of attitude today. Why am I in that chipper state of mind? Because I went with pastrami for this week and it was delicious.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
A Complete List of the Food I've Eaten in the Last 28 Hours
2 Nature Valley Bars
2 packs of Oreo Cookies
2 Ham and Cheese sandwiches
Half a bag of Utz Kettle Cooked potato chips
Half block cheese (with crackers)
3 pieces of pizza
1 everything bagel
1 16-20 rib eye steak
This may not sound like that much to some, but it's a veritable binge for me. I've been trying to figure why I'm so hungry lately and I can only come to one logical solution. I'm pregnant. A few months ago I wouldn't have thought it possible, me being a man and all, but then that one dude (you all know who I'm talking about, I don't feeling like finding a link to the story) got knocked up and everything changed. Expect to see me on Oprah in the very near future.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I took today off just to keep the relaxation going before going back to work next week.
So what do I wake up to at 8 in the morning?
A jackhammer. Right outside of my window.
I hate you Baltimore. I hate you so much.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Although, maybe he wasn't a homeless man. Maybe he was just a really dirty broker. I shouldn't presuppose that someone is homeless simply because they're filthy and sitting on the sidewalk. They could just be a hippy.
- We have a new neighbor. My roommate met her first and this was his description: a hot, blond, australian girl who just graduated college. I know, sounds pretty awesome right? Well, I met her on Saturday night.
She's from Florida. That totally ruins it.
Moral of the story: My roommate can't tell the difference between a southern accent and an Australian accent. And he's an idiot.
- Yesterday I played Guitar Hero for the first time. I'm terrible at it. I feel like this makes me more and less cool at the same time.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Who knows maybe she's just a former sprinter who loves ESPN (or NASCAR), Val Kilmer movies costarring midgets, the pan flute, and triangles.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Anyway, since I how much they enjoy my awesome musings on life, and pretty much everything about my blog in general, I know they'll be super pumped about this. I would like to congratulate Brent on being the 25,000 visitor to I'll Think of Something. You're sort of famous now so enjoy it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
1. Squirrel (s)
4. Large Bird**
7. Small Bird****
9. Human? *****
10. Orange mystery animal ******
* It was only a deer leg. I don't want to know what happened to the rest of it.
** I think it was an eagle. My coworker disagrees. Probably because he hates America.
*** Or woodchuck if you prefer.
**** Baby eagle?
***** It was just a bone, but it looked eerily like an arm bone.
****** It was long and skinny. Sort of ferrittish, but to big. It could have been one of these. Which would have been sad, because they're cute. And not native to Pennsylvania.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Right now we're just outside of Scranton, PA. I'm pretty big into agrotourism so I'm going to try and book the irrigation room at the Schrute Farms B&B.
And that is the last "The Office" joke I'll make. I've been so excited just to be near Scranton that I've been making them all day and it's annoying people.
All right, gotta go. I'm meeting Jim and Pam at Poor Richard's to see Scrantonicity. Peace.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I learned something else also. The Days Inn in Horsham, PA is a terrible, terrible place. You know your hotel stay is off to a bad start you go into your room and neither of the beds are made and all the towels are used. You might think that would make you feel at home. It doesn't. It's gross. Their continental breakfast better be amazing to make up for this.
The creepy guy isn't even doing anything interesting. He just chain smokes. And tells the same stories over and over again everytime he meets someone new. Even though the people he just told the story to are still standing there. And his eyes flutter when he talks. It's weird. I think he's trying to seduce me. Only his method of seduction is the one Bugs Bunny used on Elmer Fudd when he would cross dress in Loony Tunes cartoons.
So if you happen to be driving between Philadelphia and Scranton any time over the next two weeks and you see a two guys staring at a wall, one of whom appears to be hating his life, stop and say hello. Or run me over with your car. Your choice.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I’ve watched approximately 9,000 hours of the Olympics since they started last weekend. I have a few random thoughts I’d like to share.
- I don’t get synchronized diving. I don’t really have a joke here, I just don’t get it. Synchronized swimming makes sense to me, it’s not a sport, but I understand the need for synchronization. Without it it’s just someone flailing around in a pool, which could give the appearance of drowning. But diving is already a sport, a difficult one, and it doesn’t seem as if any extra skill is needed for synchronized diving. You’re just doing the same dive you would have done by yourself with someone right next to you.
- Alicia Sacramone has inordinately large boobs for a gymnast.
- I want to play team handball. It’s awesome. Not only do I think I’d be good at it, but America does not have a representative in this Olympics because there aren’t enough athletes to field a quality team. Hello London 2012.
- I cannot reveal my sources, but I have access to Michael Phelps’ cell phone number. I think I might send him a couple of text messages. Not so much to congratulate him, everyone’s doing that, but more to make fun of his ears. And mouth. I don’t want him to get a big head after all the gold medals. Or maybe I should send congratulations in hopes that I could get Natalie Coughlin’s number from him.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
*This theory explains why I can recite nearly every line of Braveheart. I seen it approximately 400 times, never in it's entirety though. And since I know you were wondering, my favorite line in the movie is when Longshanks is discussing instituting the right of prima nocta and he says, "the trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots." That gets me every time. Not because the jokes is funny, but because all of his cronies laugh like he just said the greatest thing ever. Cracks me up. Also I plan on having several kids and naming the oldest one Argyle so that when they have kids they'll call him Uncle Argyle. That's a badass name. Hopefully my future grandchildren will have Scottish accents.
Anyway, Major League is one of those movies. I love it. Easily one of the top three baseball movies of all time (the three obviously being Bull Durham, Field of Dreams and that. I was trying to decide the order and as luck would have it Bull Durham was on this weekend and I'm ready to say that it is definitely number 3, and Field of Dreams is number 1. Because it makes me cry.), so I almost always watch it until the end. Well this time I got to think about something that had never occured to me before, and it sort of bothered me. Not enough to make me stop loving the movie, but bothered me none the less.
Do you really mean to tell me, that in spring training when the Cleveland Indians were putting the team together and teaching everyone the signals that they actually had a signal for: Call your shot so that the pitcher will throw up and in and knock you down with a fastball, then on the second pitch after the sign the runner on second will steal, you lay down a bunt surprising the infielder who is playing deep, when the infielder charges, the runner (who was attempting to steal third) will never stop running, and hopefully score because of the throw to first. Call me crazy, but it seems a little ambitious to presume that all of that would happen as planned often enough to actually have a sign for that play.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I was rooting pretty hard for her to trip on some uneven pavement. It didn't happen, but I'm happy with the knowledge that it eventually will.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
When did I turn into Charlie Brown? ARGH.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
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And that's just going back to Monday. In case you were wondering "stop being a loser" is in fact my favorite. It's harder to argue with that.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I know what you're thinking, Eric, you're uncharacteristically upbeat about this. I don't recognize your blog without all the complaining. Well I saved a complaint just for you, the weather the last few days has been magnificent. I might even go as far as to say it's splendorous. That's right, splendorous. So I had the pleasure of spending the last bitter, frigid months of winter outside and as soon as the weather turns I'm back at my desk. I hate my life sometimes.
Speaking things that make me hate life, I was listening to Yahoo! radio this morning when I heard a song from Scarlett Johansson's as yet unreleased new album. Why do actors and other "celebrities" feel the need to make albums? Is it boredom? Is the club scene not doing an adequite job of filling her time between shitty Woody Allen movies? I feel like the best case scenario is that you thoroughly embarass yourself but at least you get publicity out of the whole mess (I'm looking in your direction Hiedi)? Also her album just seems lazy, it's like 10 Tom Waites covers. I don't particularly care for Tom Waites, but would even a Tom Waites fan want to hear Scarlett attempts at his music? Who's the fan base for this album? I will give her some credit though, at least had the good sense to just copy someone who critics already like instead of going the Lohan, Duff, Hilton route of putting out a bunch of awful pop songs. It's already working, New York Magazine called it the "best-ever album by an actor" and described her voice as "Nico, if Nico weren't a Germanic death angel but the remaining American actress of her age who has not openly displayed her vagina." I have absolutely no idea what that means but I guess that's why I'm not a pretentious rock critic for New York Magazine (they would never wear ties to work). I do agree though that not showing your vagina to the papparazzi gives you more street cred on the rock scene. Or is it the opposite? Anyway, to me her voice sounded like Annie Lennox getting punched in the balls*.
*Fact: Annie Lennox has balls.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
- Fact: Over 200 billion brackets were filled out last week for the NCAA Tournament.*
- Fact: I love gambling.**
Since I love gambling and this is the single greatest gambling weekend of the year I needed to fully immerse myself. I took Friday off for 32 games and at least 30 hours of college basketball. It was going to awesome. It was a complete disaster. I've never seen anything like it. Just dagger after dagger. It was brutal. Let's start with the brackets, here are the two I have money on:
The are both a mess, but the second one is really horrible. USC. What was I thinking? Who's USC's favorite player? OJ Mayo. What's my least favorite food ever. Mayonaisse. I would I pick a team centered around the worst condiment in the world for the Final Four. No matter how delicious orange juice is it does not counteract the disgustingness of Mayo. I should know better than that. But it got worse when I started betting on individual games. I lost 19 of 25 bets. I wasn't even sure that was mathematically possible. Here are a few examples of a typical bet for me this weekend:
- Butler against Tennessee. I parlayed Butler +4.5 and the over (140). Butler is down by 3, with the ball, with less than 15 seconds left. Pretty much a lock. There are three realistic scenarios normally, Butler makes a two, a three at the buzzer, or miss a shot as time runs out. Either way I win. What happens? Butler misses a shot with less than three seconds, Tennessee rebounds. Game over, I win. Oops, Butler commits a pointless foul when the game is essentially over, Tennessee hits two free throws, wins by 5, I lose. Dammit.
- I have Clemson at -6. They're winning by 19 in the second half and still manage to pull defeat from the jaws of victory.
- Oregon +2.5. Up by 12 late in the second half, they lost by 7. Welcome to my life.
Fortunately I don't technically have a "gambling problem". I only lost $100, but still what a bunch of crap. I hate college basketball.
*Not an actual fact
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
I wish I had something I could tell you guys. Some excuse I could give you as to why you've been deprived of That's What She Said Friday for the last few weeks but there isn't. I can lie to you guys. Truth is I just didn't feel like it. As you all know I'm very lazy, but I'm back. This week I'll turn it over to McSweeney's, becuase they're much funnier than myself. Check it out.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Not under a bridge:
Mostly sunny, temperature's in the low 60's with a light breeze. A beautiful day if there ever was one.
Under a bridge:
Dark, frigid, gale force winds.
The section of 395 I was working under yesterday happen to run alongside a small park in Federal Hill. I was wearing four layers of shirt, gloves, and a winter hat and was freezing my ass off. 50 yards away was a guy playing tennis in shorts and a t-shirt. And to think I used enjoy shade. If I was a little closer I would have thrown one of the chunks of concrete falling from the bridge* at him because I was so bitter about his carefree, whimsical lifestyle. Seriously, who's playing tennis at noon on a Wednesday and where do I sign up?
Fortunately I'm back in the office for the rest of the week. For all those who find themselves complaining about rotting away in a cubicle working for the man for the rest of thier lives, cherish it, if not you could find yourself stuck in the bucket of a lift truck 80 feet in the air when the controls stop working and you have to hang out for like 45 minutes until someone can come and get you down. It's a harrowing experience.
*One of the few fun things about this job is knocking concrete off of a bridge. I've probably knocked a solid 50 square feet of failing concrete off of the various bridges of Interstate 395 so far. Enjoy that fact next time your driving into town for an Orioles game. Don't worry, it's still structuraly sound. Or is it?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I'm growing a beard. It just seems appropriate for the situation. I'm like Ron Burgundy right now. The difference being that my glass case of emotion is actually a big, white, plastic bucket. On the bright side, it will be in the low 30's tomorrow, so milk will actually be a great choice.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
This creates an interesting anomaly that is my life, my friends were kind of enough to point this out for me. How is it that I’m pretty good at most everything I try, and yet suck at life as a whole? Is that even possible? Apparently it is.
There is one great thing that came out the weekend. Most of the car ride up, because I’m super arrogant, I keep telling everyone how easy skiing is and how awesome I was going to be. It got to the point were a lot of people were eagerly anticipating see me fail. They would’ve taken a lot of pleasure in watching me fall on my ass all day. They were pretty pissed I was good. It was great. It almost made pigeon turds and sucking at life tolerable for a few hours.
*Except golf. Golf confounds me. Why is it that I can (could) hit a ball hurled at me at 80-90 mph but I can’t hit a stationary one sitting right in front of me? It might be the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been to a driving range 3 times. My best golf shot ever, one of the few times I’ve actually made solid contact, was when I threw a ball up in the air and swung away. I suck at golf. It’s killing my ass kissing ability with my bosses.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I know what you’re saying right now: Eric, you’re blog sucks, you haven’t written anything in weeks. I know, I apologize. I can’t really argue that fact. Only, I will. Watch this.
What do you want from me? Am I the only one that realizes this is the absolute worst time of year? Football’s over, baseball hasn’t started yet, and college basketball is in the boring part of the season. Writers have been on strike for the last three months so there’s nothing on TV. The weather is too bad to do anything outside. Basically there is absolutely nothing going on in my life. Unless you want to hear about a trip to the gym, the 50,000th (and probably worst) recap of Lost on the internet, or a random drunken Saturday night, I got nothin’. I can’t even write about the nights out because to be honest I haven’t remembered the last few (perhaps I could turn this into some sort of self help blog, I may have a drinking problem. Would that be something you’d enjoy?). Here are the two most interesting things that happened to me so far this week:
• I was riding to work the other day and passed a Tahoe or Suburban or something pimped out with the usual accoutrements: 24” rims, tinted windows, something thuggish written on the back windshield in calligraphy, and a loud, rattling stereo system. Pretty standard stuff, only their musical choice threw me off. They were blaring polka. And the guys inside were really pumped about it, they love the ole squeeze box.
• I had a Jolly Rancher stuck to one of my back teeth for a solid 45 minutes to an hour yesterday afternoon. Which actually isn’t interesting at all except for paradox of feelings it caused. It is both infuriating and delicious at the same time. Weird.
Don’t worry though, loyal readers, there is a lot more adventure on the horizon. Tomorrow I have to leave the office for the next two months for bridge inspections, which is going to suck. Working outdoors isn’t really my thing, especially in February. Also I’m going skiing for the first time in my life this weekend. Despite being a spectacular athlete I’m pretty clumsy (Another paradox? Am I using that word right?) The combination of me hanging in a bucket 85 feet over a river and me hurtling down mountains increases my chances of serious bodily harm and/or death exponentially. So I think I might have a story or two to tell soon.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Ana Ivanovic v. Maria Sharapova
It was a great match. Needless to say, I was riveted.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Reader Participation That's What She Said Friday was a rousing success last week! Ok mild success. No? Not even that? Well I don't care, we're doing it again. Here it is, try and figure out what I was talking about:
Me: It was right on the tip of my tongue but it's not coming, I'm going to have to go with something else
Matt: That's what she said.
Have at it. A challenge to my friends (I'm looking at you in particular Mike, Baha, and Wendy) no BJ jokes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
For some reason my inability to find this picture really pissed me off. I realized I'm in one of those whiny, self pitying, everything sucks and I hate you kind of moods. It's weird, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm actually in a pretty good mood but at the same time have a hard time fighting the urge to say fuck a lot. I guess on edge would be the best way to describe it. You know the feeling, you're going along with your day, everythings great, you're smiling, then you pump your knee on a chair and want to blow up a Starbucks. Anywho, as a result of my setback I decided to scrap the Tom Brady post. I do have one question though. The Cowboys had two weeks off before their first playoff game. Wade Phillips gave the team the first weekend off and Tony Romo chose to spend that weekend at the beach with his girlfriend. Because that girlfriend is Jessica Simpson some pictures came out and the media had a shit fit. According to sportswriters (who are mostly idiots) he showed a lack of committment to the team, he didn't care about winning, he wasn't preparing the way he should. He was being crucified for going to the beach. So here's my question: Tom Brady got the same weekend off two weeks before the Super Bowl. He chose to spend that time in New York with his famous girlfriend. The trip from Dallas to Cabo is not that much longer than the trip from Boston to New York, how come there isn't a huge uproar about Brady the way their was about Romo?
* Here's a fun anecdote regarding my laziness: I got dressed for work this morning and realized my shirt still has the telltale creases of a newly purchased shirt. I think this is only the second time I've worn the shirt so I guess that somewhat explains that. The only thing is, I got this shirt for Christmas. Two years ago. How have I not ironed out the creases, or at least taken it to a dry cleaner.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Me: I kind of like that I can just stick it in for 5-10 minutes and forget about it until its done.
Aaron: That's what she said
What the heck am I talking about?! Crazy. Have fun
Answer to come whenever I feel like it.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Guy On My Team (yelling from the court as the last person facing 3 people from the other team): I like the big red balls!
Me (yelling from the sideline): That's what she said!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
As a result of this I now love "She's Like the Wind". It really is an amazing song. How can something be so awful and yet so awesome at the same time. It's a paradox. So imagine my surprise when I was at the gym last night and heard a remake of the song. For real. Someone actually thought to themselves, "I think I'll redo that song from Dirty Dancing the Patrick Swayze did. Only I'll add some rapping and a cool beat." This seems like a bad idea to me but apparently not to other people. You decide.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Basically the show is nearly identical to the original, with a few added wrinkles. Like water! And fire (but only from a safe distance)! Awesome. Also there is a new game where gladiators throw 100 lb. Nerf balls at contestants trying to run across a bridge. Just like in ancient Rome! The worst part about the show now though is all the trash talk. They tried to give it more hard edge by interviewing the contestants before and after every competition to let them talk smack to each other and the gladiators and it’s simply brutal. There is a very small percentage of the population that can talk trash and sound cool. None of them were on this show. They just sound like jackasses and it makes me cringe every time someone opens their mouth. Oh and if there is only a very small percentage of people who can successfully trash talk, than a very small percentage of that very small percentage are women. It’s just not in their DNA. Its science look it up. Next they mic’ed the Gladiators, which was just a horrible idea. If I wanted to hear meatheads grunting out stupid comments I’d spend more time at the gym. I’m not interested in hearing Titan wax poetic on is chances of tossing a 140 lb. asian man off of a 40 ft. foam pyramid. One more thing, Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, you are no Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka.
Having said all that though, I think I might be hooked. It happened shortly into the second hour of competition. The first appearance of Hellga (not a typo) the fat gladiator. Hold on, let change that to Hellga the Fat Gladiator. From now on that’s her proper name on this blog. She was completely hapless and I loved every second of it. They stuck her at the end of the Gauntlet, I’m certain with the idea that after having three other gladiators pounding on the contestants with giant foam sticks their fatigue would balance out Hellga the Fat Gladiators shortcomings. Those being lack of lateral movement and overall athletic ability. Their plan failed. After struggling through Crush, Fury, and Stealth the contestant reached Helga the Fat Gladiator and zoomed by untouched as she failed desperately. They’re running between two walls maybe 10 feet apart and without even putting any kind of move on her the contestant just ran right by without even a tap from Hellga’s foam covered hands. The second contestant chose a different approached. She just powered right through Hellga, which you’d think given her girth would be a difficult task but apparently not. I loved outfit too; everyone else is wearing the tightest spandex imaginable to show off their physique, but she’s wearing a skirt. Which I’m sure together with the pigtails and the name is meant to infer some sort of Bavarian ancestry but I’m not buying it, I’m pretty sure is to cover up her ass. Needless to say I’ll probably tune in again just hoping for a Hellga appearance. I think that alone would be worth it. Well that and quotes like this from one of the contestants, “I was just trying to grab any extremity I could and hold on as long as possible.”
That’s what she said.
Friday, January 04, 2008
I know it's Friday and you guys all probably want to read some juvenile humor but I going to have to skip it this week. I can't concentrate. There isn't much that gets me more pumped up than the NFL playoffs and considering how bad the Redskins have been for the last decade or so I'm extra fired up. My coworkers are at serious risk of headbutts if they come to close. When I get home from work there is an excellent chance of me throwing on my Sean Taylor jersey and tackling strangers in the street. I'm so pumped up today I might put 120 lbs on the bench press at the gym today. Oh that's right, that's how excited I am. So I'll just leave you with this while I go spear someone getting off of the elavator:
Hail to the Redskins
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.
Run or pass and score -- we want a lot more!
Beat 'em, Swamp 'em,
Touchdown! -- Let the points soar!
Fight on, fight on 'Til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Fight!, Fight!, Fight!
Hail to the Redskins
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.