Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Going Commercial

From now on I’m basing all product decisions on television commercials. I probably won’t often be positively affected by a commercial. I rarely find myself watching TV and think, “You know what, it’s hilarious when those guys put shaving cream on Sasquatch’s hand and tickle his nose. I want some beef Jerky now and I want it be Jack Link’s Beef Jerky.” I am however always negatively affected by bad commercials. I see these horrendous ads and am left wondering how these people have jobs. I mean, did Chevy hire the monkeys from those Monster.com commercials to run the advertising department? That’s the only explanation for some of the decisions they’ve made. Hear are a few examples of products I will never use as a result of a bad commercial:

Charles Schwab – At some point in my life I’m going to have finances that need managing and you will be my absolute last choice to manage them. Why? Because cartoons are supposed to be funny dammit. I’m so sick of seeing this, expecting some hilarious punch line and just getting a cartoon bald guy bitching about his broker forgetting his name.

I hope no one was expecting a Garmin navigation system or a Dell because if you roll out Christmas commercials before Halloween I hate you and I’m not buying your stupid product.

Chevy – Good Lord, what are you thinking? This one has been beaten to death but I still had to mention it. If you have watched a single football game in the last two years you’re ready to assassinate John Cougar Mellencamp (but doesn’t assassinate imply that you’re killing some sort head of state? Yes it does, he’s the king of crappy songs about America, hence assassination). If you’re going to hammer a song into my head in order to sell trucks can you at least pick one that doesn’t suck? Oh and don’t by ad space to air your shitty commercial 16 times in 3 hours.

Viagra – A bunch of old guys jamming, junkyard band style, in a rundown barn about erectile dysfunction. Honestly who green lit that? Who possibly thought that was a good idea? Fortunately this isn’t a problem I’ve experienced, but if I do I’m going with Cialis. I’m willing to risk sudden loss of eyesight, at least I wouldn’t have to see that Viagra commercial anymore.

Miller Lite – I’m putting you on notice Miller Lite. I love Bob Slydell/Dr. Cox as much as the next guy but those “More Taste League” commercial aren’t good. You haven’t lost me yet but those Coors Light commercials with the football coaches are hilarious and they’re stealing my allegiance.

There are some products that probably could never lose me from a bad commercial. As much as I don’t care about a ballerina blogging from backstage or a pilot checking weather.com before take off I’m still using my iPod, it’s too awesome. And I’m going to go against the norm here, but I think Peyton Manning is funny, so Sony and DirectTV you’re still cool with me. Oh and I think I’m switching my deodorant to Old Spice, you grow chest hair just from putting it on!


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I don't see a lot of commericals anymore since I got a DVR, but I think yours is a solid and smart plan. What happens though if a market is cornered by products with bad ads? Over the counter heartburn meds and headache relief ads are particularly upsetting and I need those items.

PS - an excellent post, sir

JW said...

I think you should get a car with the sync system in it, those commercials crack me up ("door open"). No mention of Head on?

mike said...

Taco Bell has a terrible commercial out right now where an older brother is telling his "little bro" his rules to live by... it's terrible.

On the other hand, the Peyton Manning pep talk commercial about having 6-pack abs is hilarious. I agree with you there.

Brent said...

Agree with you 100% about those Coors Lite commercials. They make me proud that it is my beer of choice. My fav is the new one with Denny Green where he walks off stage to chase the person that stole his beer and the dude goes "that guy is toast". By the way, check out this homemade version on youtube featuring the OSU coach, hilarious:


Los said...

I couldn't agree more about the Chevy commercials ... First, it was the "Like a Rock" song, and now it's Mellancamp. I shudder to think what else they have up their sleeves.

Miller Lite used to have good commercials, but ever since those football ref commercials, I've been turned off ... I still drink the beer sometimes, though.

Matthew said...

Remember the time you were watching a random Sportcenter, and an ad for Monday Night Football came on? And remember how at first you thought it was mildly clever, but then they ran it 18 million times, and you threw the remote through your TV?

Well this Sunday, when you're watching Sportscenter and they run one of those ads ... don't do that.