Hell Yeah!

I often get great enjoyment out of seeing the Google searches that send people to this blog. Some people search for some pretty odd things. My most frequent hits come from folks who want to read the writings from people likeminded in their hatred of birds. That and peeing outside. Apparently I’m one of the leading experts on peeing outside. Today though I received a hit from a Google search that could not make me happier, seriously it’s awesome. According to Google I am the world’s #1 authority on “something badass.” That’s right, perform a search for “something badass” and this blog is the first thing you’ll see. I figure this means one of two things:

1. I am the official last word on all things badass. If you need to know if
you or something around you is in fact badass I’m the one to talk. Or…

2. I’m the biggest badass in the world.

You know what? Strike that, it doesn’t mean on of those two, it’s both of those two. If I get final say on what is badass or not then I say I’m the biggest badass in the world. And if I ‘m the biggest badass in the world then who could possibly be more of an expert on what is or isn’t badass? So for future reference if you ever are on the fence as to whether something is badass or not feel free to email me or leave a comment and I’d be more than happy to provide an answer to your query. Or I might just say f you, because I’m badass and I don’t have to answer your stupid questions if I don’t want.

An Open Letter to The Guy Who Cut Me Off In Traffice This Morning

Dear Guy Who Cut Me Off In Traffic This Morning,

Kudos to you sir on your bold maneuvers through the city streets this morning, I must say you caught me completely off guard. When you were in the far left lane of a six lane road with your left turn signal on, and I pulled up in the lane next to you at the stop light I certainly was not expecting that upon the light turning green you would immediately veer right to try and get in my lane totally cutting me off and nearly sideswiping me. You gave me the old okey doke, fake left, go right. That gets me every time. Even more unexpected was your incredulous hand gesture you gave me when I honked my horn to prevent you from driving directly into my fender. Apparently I’m the asshole for be in the path of your insanely erratic driving. I apologize, next time I’ll be sure to yield for people driving diagonally across the flow of traffic. I should’ve known better. It got even better though when you decided you did in fact want to make that desired left turn a few blocks later. The only problem was that it came from the right lane of the intersection thus adding the driver of a large SUV to the list of people who had nearly t-boned you this morning. Unfortunately he made the same mistake as I did in thinking that you were at fault. Although I would have to side with him on this matter. Based on a very small sample size it seems as though 20 out of every 60 seconds you spend on the road you’re being honked at. This should be a sign to you. Perhaps you need to reevaluate things. Maybe take another drivers’ education course. Or take more taxis. It seems to me that the only reason you’re still alive is because of the safe driving of the people around, which obviously you don’t realize because you drive with your eyes closed. I hope you can take my advice to heart, no one to see flying through a windshield one day.

Sincerely,

Eric

Criminals Aren't Smart Sometimes.

Last weekend was somewhat disorienting for me. I guess it was the extra day but really the whole weekend seemed strange. It really feels like it was much longer than three days. Probably because I had a horrendous hangover on Sunday. You know the kind of day when you’re really hung over and you don’t get out of bed until the late afternoon, but that later that night you’re feeling better so you end up doing something and it feels like it was two separate days? That was my whole weekend I think. As a result it’s really thrown me off my blog game. I’m out of sorts. It’s a combination of things: I can’t think of anything to write, I don’t feel like writing about things I could write about (like how I went Maryland State Fair on Friday and it was the trashiest most awful/awesome thing I’ve ever seen, really I highly recommend it), and I don’t really know what day it is.

I decided to troll around my usually news sites this morning to see if there was anything I felt the need to comment on. Luciano Pavarotti died; I figured I could write something funny about that. You know, something along the lines of: What a shocker, didn’t see that one coming blah blah blah. Make a joke about cannolis or meat sauce or something. Basically the standard Pavarotti is fat joke. Then I saw he actually died of pancreatic cancer, not something related to his morbid obesity. Also it’s in poor taste and not that funny to make fun of dead people. Or fat people. Especially internationally beloved dead, fat people. I’m a dick.

I thought I might just give up. Put up a TWSSF post tomorrow and call it a week. Then I ran across this gem. A man shot himself in the leg fleeing the scene of a robbery inside RFK stadium. There are just so many great parts of this story. Apparently when security half-assedly (it’s a word) waves those wands around my crotch their doing absolutely nothing to ensure my safety because this dude didn’t seem to have a problem getting a gun past them. Clearly he isn’t some criminal mastermind who devised an ingenious scheme to get a gun on the premises for the sake of a robbery because he attempted to rob a vendor ON THE FIFTH FLOOR. Seriously, the top floor of the stadium is where you decide to stage this daring raid? Not the first floor so you can run right outside and get away. Not to mention that’s the upper deck. Where the poor people sit. Who’s buying more $9 personal pizzas; the people fighting a nose bleed a mile high in the bleachers or the people in the box seats? I’ll grant you one reprieve, there’s probably less security on that floor, but you still have to run past the security on all the other floors. Although based on their previously stated wanding skills it’s probably not shocking that you managed to make it outside before they caught you. Maybe you thought this out better than I thought robber. I just wish I was there to see the chase. Imagine how hilarious it was watching them wind back and forth down those ramps. It’s like a high speed chase down a spiral staircase.

Now about the gun. Clearly the plan was to ditch it when you were outside the stadium. My advice to you sir, ditch it before shooting yourself in the leg. Running is hard with a gunshot wound.

Here’s another query I have: why travel from Baltimore to robbed a stadium in D.C.? There’s a stadium in Baltimore as well. I’ve been there, it’s nice. Also, you know those security guards they have at RFK pretending to care if you bring a gun in? Well they don’t even have those in Baltimore. Its fool proof, not even the slightest chance getting caught before you pull off the robbery. Plus instead of hopping fences and shooting yourself in the leg you could just run home, kick your feet up, and count your money. All in all I’d say that was a pretty awful plan. My favorite part of this article though was the last sentence. Thanks for mentioning the Nats won, that’s just icing on the cake.

TWSSF

I'm actually extremely busy at work today which is really rare. I have a ton of work to do before I leave at three for the weekend. You think that's stopping from posting That's What She Said Friday? Hell no. My dedication is unparalleled. Not my dedication to my job mind you, my dedication to you, the readeres. On with it:


Her's one from frequent contributers Kenny and Amanda:

Its game night with the work crew. Everyone is sitting there, relatively silent as one game changes to the next. Across from me is one Mr. Kim Robinson...he's trying to take a sip through a straw of his frozen daquari and he's just not having the success he wants.

Kim: Man, I can't get this up
Amanda (looks around to see who is within ear shot): That's what she said.
All: Laughter, snickering and some questions about "who is she?"


Also frequent contributor Mike added to his frequent contributions:

One of my fellow nerd poker players had these gourmet stuffed olives and offered me one, so I tried to get one out of the jar without sticking my whole hand in. I was basically using one finger and trying to roll one up the side of the jar. She saw my unsuccessful attempts at obtaining the olive and said "What are you doing? Use two fingers!" And well, you know what I said next otherwise I wouldn't be writing you this email.


I had a good one this week also! Here it goes:

Leslie: (trying on headbands) I wish this was a little tighter.
Me: That's what he said.

Boo ya. See how I switch that up on you guys. That's what he said is really advanced, only an expert like myself can pull something like that off.

Big Day

I would like to personally like to congratulate some dude (or lady) from England for being the 15,000 person to vist my blog. It's quite a milestone, this must be a very big day in your life. Cheers (or whatever an English person would say in this situation).

The Queen of Mean

I was only 8 years old when Leona Helmsley was a big news story. All I remember is she served some time in jail for tax evasion and that she was kind of a bitch. She earned the nickname "Queen of Mean" for her horrible treatment of everyone around her. Well she just died and apparently she is a much bigger bitch than anyone thought. $12 million to your dog. You're fucking dog. Not the person you left your dog to, your dog. That is the about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I grew up with dogs, I loved them, but if I died before them I would just have to hope a relative took good care of them and called it a life. I certainly wouldn't be leaving an money to them. You know they can't spend in right? Not only do they lack the ability to communicate, the don't even have opposable thumbs to hold money with. And on top of that you leave half of your grandchildren nothing? Seriously? Oh, I'm a billionaire but I'm going to screw over my grandchildren for life. Why you ask? They know what they did. What did they do? Kill you? Because that's the only thing I can think of that would be a good reason to stick to them like that.

Thank you Miss South Carolina, we are all a little bit dumber now

This link was sent to me courtesy of Brian



I can't wrap my head around that enough to be snarky. That is simply the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Advice on love

Dear person who came my blog via the google search "Help I'm in Love With a Homeless Dude",

I can only assume you came here seeking council on matters of the heart, and let me tell you, you came to the right place. Not only am I an expert on love, I'm also an expert on homeless people. First off though I have to ask, why the despondent tone? You sound as if you feel this is some sort of forbidden love that should go unrequited simply because this person doesn't have a home, or job, or the ability to say no to drugs. I say that hogwash. The heart wants what the heart wants and you should never deny it that. But I would recommend going into this relationship with a slight sense of trepidation. Don't get caught up paying every time you guys go on a date. And sometimes insist on sleeping in the streets with this person. It's the only way to know they're in it for the right reason and not simply because you have food and shelter. You not in this for charity, you're in it for love. But in summation I say go for, tell this Homeless Dude about your feelings and enjoy the rewards.

You're Welcome

Eric

TWSSF

It's friday, you know what that means, it's time to let everyone else do the work for me with That's What She Said Friday! Lets get to it.

This weekend I was in New York with Mike and Leslie. We stayed with Mike's cousin Brian, who is not exactly a TWSS connoisseur. He hasn't quite grasped the joke, but he tries and that's what really matters. On Saturday we were coming out of the subway, Brian in the lead, when we ran into a homeless man who said "Got any change you can spare?"

To which Brian's response was, "That's what she said."

I think the homeless guy was a little befuddled because he then said, "Who's she?"



Here's one of the raunchy TWSSs you'll hear. Matt has a coworker who has been fighting a cold all week. He decided to battle through the cold and have some spicy food lunch which he described thusly, "It's kind of hot going down my throat." Matt didn't choke this time and actually provided the appropriate response. I'm glad you're learning the importance of That's What She Said in our society Matt.


Here's a submission from Dave:

a couple of my eletrical sockets stopped working tonight, so my roomate and linds (Ed note: Dave's fiancee) and i are trying to fix them. we end up hitting the reset button and it works. i said, oh yeah, thats what i sometimes have to do the socket outside for the sump pump. if it gets too wet, i need to stick my finger under it and hit the button.

my roomate replies...

That's What She Said (Ed. Note: Well played Dave's roommate)

I finally found the secret!!!

- Like most bloggers I’m obsessed with my blog stats. It’s pretty sad; I check them like 10 times a day (and by 10 I mean at least 400). Every time I post I get a small spike in readers thanks to the DCBlogs live feed. Yesterday I experienced a much larger spike and I think I may have discovered the secret to increased blogularity. The Holy Grail if you will. It’s all in the title. Yesterday’s said something about hipsters, people in DC either are hipsters or they hate them, so they clicked on the link. From now on I think I might only use titles people will find provocative. Here are some examples:
- DC cops suck
- I hate the f’ing metro
- Missed Connections anyone?
- What LNS is up to this week

People will be so intrigued they can’t stay away. Only to be disappointed by what lame crap I’m writing about now.



- Speaking of blog stats, I just looked at Technorati for the first time ever. I see it everywhere but I was much too lazy to care what it was until today. Apparently I have the 876,860th most popular blog. Boo yah.



- I know that no one likes to hear about someone else’s dream but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s relevant, you’ll see. I dreamed I was in Transformers the movie last night. I don’t remember a lot of the details, I never do, but it doesn’t matter anyways because I’ve never seen the movie so I don’t really know how accurate they would be. And I hate Shia Lebeouf. It was a surprising vivid dream considering it was totally drawn from a 30 second trailer. Anyway, in that dream a lot of people are dying, I didn’t but Transformers were eating my friends left and right. It was gruesome. Well when my alarm went off this morning guess which song was playing? No, it wasn’t the theme from Transformers, that would be way too obvious. It was “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel. Isn’t that freaky? All my friends were dying. They’re good. They’re young. Uncanny. That type of stuff happens to me all the time. I might be Harry Potter and not know it.

Fun with Hipsters

Here's a fun thing to do. Next time you're in New York, and you find yourself in a bar with a bunch cool kids listening to some cool kid indie rock music throw them a curve ball. Go up to the jukebox and play the most cheesetastic 80's ballad you can think of (I chose Air Supply's "Making Love Out of Nothing at All") then sit back and enjoy. Watch as they scoff at the new selection. Clearly they're much to cool for that. Then notice a few people singing, and then by the time the first refrain hits everyone is loving it because who doesn't love Air Supply. It brings people together, even if they are to cool for school.

I'm going out of town for the weekend so I'm taking tomorrow off. So essentially that makes today my Friday. You know what that means? It's That's What She Said Friday! On a THURSDAY! This is like The Matrix or something. I just blew my own mind.







This weeks TWSS comes from Mike and Tony. Mike as has been documented was on the forefront of TWSS awesomeness, Tony is a relative newcomer. It involves an epic, unprecedented TWSS triple. Enjoy:


Backstory: Tony is a former officemate of Mike's in grad school. He's an avid fan of both the Office and baseball. They were at a Nats game.

Tony (half way through an Italian sausage, looks up with a smirk): This sausage is huge, I'm having trouble fitting my mouth around it.
Mike: That's what she said.
Tony: That was like T-ball.
Mike: Yeah, as soon as you turned your head I knew something was coming... (brief pause) That's what she said.
Tony: Nice self set-up.
Mike: Sometimes you have to do that.
Tony: Yeah, now that you aren't there any more, I'm forced to do it in the office.
Mike: That's what she said.

I need like tree fitty

I write a lot about homeless people in this forum. I’m really sure why, they just sort of fascinate me. And a lot of them a crazy and therefore hilarious. I always find myself curious of there circumstances, I want to know how they ended up where they are today. I never ask because it seems rude to a homeless dude what happened to his home, but still I’m curious. For example on my walk to work most mornings I see a couple spooning in a little alcove in a building and I think to myself, where the dating before become homeless and if so how did two people find themselves on the streets simultaneously? Couldn’t one of them have gotten there life together for the other? Or did they meet while being homeless? If that’s the case it’s someone heartwarming to know that two people can find love anywhere. Or maybe they’re not in love; they’re just keeping each other warm. Which is still sort of sweet I guess. But it’s hot as hell here so I think they must be in love. Only two people who really love each other could stand to spoon while sweating profusely. Anyway, the point is I’m curious about these people.

There is another man I see everyday that I have a lot of questions about. My house is about 200 yards from a large intersection. It gets very busy during rush hour, and everyday for close to a year this guy walks between the cars stopped at the red light with a sign, panhandling. I’ve never given him any money because it didn’t take long for me to realize that he’s making a pretty solid living. The guy has to make at least $8-$10 an hour. Some Walmart employees would be pissed if they knew about this guy. Also he never asked me, which I find sort of insulting. Do I look like some dick who wouldn’t give you any change? I mean I wouldn’t, but still. This man changes his clothes a couple times a week. Where does he keep his clothes? Granted he’s still not the cleanest guy in the world, and you can still usually tell he doesn’t bath regularly, but the ability to pick what outfit you want to wear to take advantage of the kindness of strangers that day puts you a step above your average beggar. From time to time I’ve seen him taking a break from begging for snack time. He takes a stroll down to Royal Farms for some yum yums to treat himself for a hard days work. And I wonder, when you’re homeless why go for the Goldfish and Oreo Cookies? Wouldn’t you want a turkey sandwich or something? Perhaps some protein or carbohydrates so you don’t, you know, die of malnutrition? I was always a little skeptical about whether he was actually homeless or not because of these things but yesterday removed a lot of doubt. I was walking downtown and I saw the same guy. I guess he had just gotten off of work at his corner and was taking a stroll. I was like oh hey, that’s that homeless guy, what’s he doing down here. Then I noticed something odd on his belt (some might even find it odd that he was wearing a belt but whatever). I glanced down and he had a cell phone clipped to his belt. I was stunned. First of all I always thought this guy seemed pretty cool, clearly he’s not because everyone knows cell phone belt clips are super lame. Second of all, how the f does a homeless guy have a cell phone? And who is he calling? And don’t any of those people have a couch he can crash on. I was pretty pissed that this guy goes out begging for people’s hard earned money and somehow affords a cell phone. Then this morning I saw him rocking a discman. This was equally as galling. Batteries are expensive and he’s homeless, which means he has to be bored a lot so I’m sure he wears them out often. If this guy ever asks me for money I’m punching him in the balls.

Badass?

This person is either the least observant person in the world or has the highest pain tolerance known to man. I'm imagining a conversation going something like this:

Group of motorcyclists pulls up to a stop light

Biker #1: Um dude, I just picked up half of your leg off of the road back there, you want it?

Biker #2: (bleeding profusely) What? Oh man. I don't know if you saw but I ran into that barrier a couple miles ago. I felt a little sting, but son of a bitch if my leg didn't fall off.

Biker #1: You want to maybe go to a hospital or something.

Biker #2: That might be a good idea. Passes out

Poppin' Collars

Nice window display Baby Gap. Do these shirts come with free admission to lacrosse camp? Seriously though, if I wanted to raise a litter of douche bags I don't need your double polo popped collar look, I'll just join the Republican party.

TWSS

I can tell by the literally tens of people flooding my stat tracker this morning that That's What She Said Friday is a bona fide phenomenon. The readers love it, I love it, Dwight Schrute loves it. I must provide a disclaimer though; My inbox has been blowing up all week with reader submissions, which is kick ass. Unfortunately I can't use them all because I'm just to lazy to compile everything together. I mean, really it's a lot of work. So if you don't see yours don't take offense, it doesn't mean you're not awesome, it just means that someone might have been awesomer this week. Anyway, on to it:

First up today is from Aaron, who was playing golf this Saturday with his girlfriend Sarah and her father when the following exchange occured:

sarah's dad: "you've really got to stick it in there stiff"
sarah: "that's what she said"


Next is from frequent TWSSF contributor Amanda and her sister Jeanine, who is best described as an avid reader and loyal fan. They were making a scrapbook for their younger sister Sarah which lead to this:

Jeanine: I have to say, it's much better doing this with someone than
having to do it all by myself
Calvin: That's what she said.


And one final TWSS for this week courtesy of my broseph. I'll let him tell you in his own words:

Maybe this doesn't apply because she actually said it, but I laughed and so I thought I'd share.

This was a conversation about roller coasters Sunday night. I don't how it started. Doesn't matter.

Jennifer: We went to Busch Gardens and rode the Griffon.......blah, blah, more story

Kessley: I hate roller coasters! (proceeds to tell lengthy story detailing traumatic childhood event). I don't understand what you like about them? Is it the feeling that you somehow survived something scary and dangerous?

David (that's me): It's just an adrenaline rush. There's no fear involved.

Josh: I hate them too. Jennifer makes me ride them.

Ashley (who, to this point, had contributed nothing to the conversation): You can put me on anything and I'll ride it!

Kessley, Josh, and Jennifer: silence

Well, you know the rest.......I couldn't resist the TWSS




Hope you enjoyed it, keep the submissions coming and I'll keep mailing it in on Fridays for your enjoyment.

Damn That Jeff

I’m what you would call a morning person. I rarely hit the snooze button. I don’t have a wrong side of the bed. I’m generally wide awake as soon as the buzzer sounds and usually in a decent mood. My disposition is rarely negatively effected by a mornings events. However there are certain things that can happen that will leave me in a great mood for an entire day. Sometimes I wake up to a good song and find myself dancing in bed before I even wake up. Sometimes I go to bed thinking the Yankees lost and get a pleasant surprise in the morning. And then sometimes I wake up and turn on the TV and receive this special treat:



Are you kidding me? Tell me you could ever be in a bad mood after watching Zach and Kelly in quite possibly the worst acted, worst written break up scene of all time. Even better than that, the background music is being provided by Jessy and Slater lip syncing a Michael Bolton song. I was dying and am still laughing now. Thank you Saved By the Bell, you made my day.

Awesome Things About Baltimore

Yesterday I was running through Federal Hill. It was hot. And humid. Near the end of my run I passed a man sitting on his stoop who was somewhat overweight (and by somewhat overweight I mean he was pushing 400lbs). He had a hat on that said "I heart Intercourse" and was spraying a hose at the tree in front of his house. Now I'm not a botanist but I'm pretty sure that a tree absorbs water and nutrients through its roots and spraying a tree trunk with a hose for 20 minutes is completely useless. I could be wrong, but thats beside the point. The point is this guy got my inner monologue going. I saw him and started thinking about the way I approach my life. Here I am busting my ass, it's like 113 degrees and 1000% percent humidity, and for what. He is totally relaxing without a care in the world. Is it really worth it to work out 5 or 6 times a week when all I really have to do is let myself go, sit on my stoop smoking a few parliments hosing down a tree, and wear clothing declaring my love for vaginal penetration (actually I think it was promoting a town in Pennsylvania but I knew what he really meant) and I will be hands down the sweetest guy in Baltimore. I think it might be time for some changes.

That's What She Said Friday

It’s That’s What She Said Friday! This week was a really tough one. I had two excellent choices; I went back and forth all morning over which selection would make cut. Eventually I came to the decision that you guys have been really good this week and deserve a special treat. It’s a That’s What She Said double feature!

The first one comes from my friend Pat. He’s an architect, but he also happens to be an AutoCAD specialist. I’ve seen his work, it’s stellar. As a result of being better at AutoCAD than everyone else he often gets annoying requests for help from his coworkers. Enjoy the following exchange:

Co-worker- "yo...can you save that rendering on the network for me?"
Pat - frustrated because this happens a lot "fine...tell me where to save it?"
Co-worker- with an equally frustrated tone back to me "i don’t care...just put it wherever you want..."

...PAUSE...

Pat - "that’s what she said..."

BSSC is the organization that runs the social sports leagues in Baltimore (you know, where my friends and I win all the championships, except for softball this year, I don’t want to talk about it). Matt works for BSSC on the side refereeing football and volleyball, and being an official for softball and kickball. During softball season his job is to set up the fields before the games and then walk around making sure no chaos ensues. This week he was installing the bases on a field (which are held in by metal stakes driven into the dirt) with Becca when this conversation took place:

Becca - Let me show you a trick.
Becca – You have to find the hole before you hammer it in.
Matt - ---snickering---
Matt - ……
Matt - ….

He didn’t say that’s what she said. Can you believe that? What a wasted opportunity. Matt, I don’t even know you anymore.

I still hate birds

On Tuesday I ran home quickly to put on some gym clothes and grab something for work on Wednesday before heading over to Leslie’s. While inside I noticed a bird singing. It seemed awfully close. At first I thought it was my arch nemesis from the tree outside my window. Upon further inspection though I surmised that it was coming from another room. Assuming that Leanne had left the window open in her room and that’s where the noise was coming from I didn’t give it another thought and left for the night.

Yesterday I came in the apartment and went straight to the kitchen to put away some groceries. When I got to the refrigerator a bird swooped down to attack me, just missing by my head. Judging by the fact that I may have soiled myself a little bit I was pretty sure it was some sort of falcon, or maybe a bald eagle. Either way it was definitely a huge bird and it scared to poop out of me. Turns out it was one of these:

I'm a huge pussy apparently


He flew into a corner behind the microwave and the chase was on. Cut to me in a sitcom chasing a tiny bird around my house with a bucket. That little bastard was fast, and really stupid. He just kept flying back and forth from corner to corner trying to hide, and I could never reach him. He ran into the window at least three times and never noticed the gaping hole of freedom that was the open door. Finally I had to use all of my genius and cunning to solve this problem. I got him into a corner directly across from the door, then using the couch, an armchair and some cushions I created a tunnel leading right out. Once I scared him out of that corner he had no choice but to head for the door. I’m like the MacGyver of getting birds to not be in your house.