I still hate birds

On Tuesday I ran home quickly to put on some gym clothes and grab something for work on Wednesday before heading over to Leslie’s. While inside I noticed a bird singing. It seemed awfully close. At first I thought it was my arch nemesis from the tree outside my window. Upon further inspection though I surmised that it was coming from another room. Assuming that Leanne had left the window open in her room and that’s where the noise was coming from I didn’t give it another thought and left for the night.

Yesterday I came in the apartment and went straight to the kitchen to put away some groceries. When I got to the refrigerator a bird swooped down to attack me, just missing by my head. Judging by the fact that I may have soiled myself a little bit I was pretty sure it was some sort of falcon, or maybe a bald eagle. Either way it was definitely a huge bird and it scared to poop out of me. Turns out it was one of these:

I'm a huge pussy apparently


He flew into a corner behind the microwave and the chase was on. Cut to me in a sitcom chasing a tiny bird around my house with a bucket. That little bastard was fast, and really stupid. He just kept flying back and forth from corner to corner trying to hide, and I could never reach him. He ran into the window at least three times and never noticed the gaping hole of freedom that was the open door. Finally I had to use all of my genius and cunning to solve this problem. I got him into a corner directly across from the door, then using the couch, an armchair and some cushions I created a tunnel leading right out. Once I scared him out of that corner he had no choice but to head for the door. I’m like the MacGyver of getting birds to not be in your house.

God I Hate Birds

All morning I’ve been trying to come up with words to describe the bird that absolutely ruined my day and I don’t think I possess the skill to accurately portray my rage. The bird started whistling at around five this morning and went nonstop until I got out of bed. Suffice it to say this wasn’t just regular bird singing. You know the kind that reminds you of springtime and makes you all happy and ready to attack a day. No this was a full on mating call. I mean this bird was really putting the vibe out there. Let me try and break it down for you as best I can. It started with three incredibly shrill, high pitched whistles, the kind that make you want to want to jam a q-tip in your eardrum, followed a few seconds of this really annoying warble. Now take those steps and repeat over and over and over again and you have the perfect recipe for sending me on a murderous rampage. That bird is really lucky this was a weekday and I could escape the incessant noise by going to work. This is a warning though bird, if I hear that noise again tomorrow morning you’re dead. I have no idea how I would possibly kill a bird but I do know that you will rue the day you decided to set up shop and be a total asshole in the tree behind my house.