Friday, December 22, 2006

Talk about heart warming

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a beloved Christmas classic. Nothing gets me in the spirit of the season like Burl Ives. That guy can narrate the hell out of a tale. I have a few random thoughts I’d like to discuss though.

First of all, Santa is a total dick in the cartoon. He’s an intolerant bigot. He’s all I hope Rudolph grows out of that nose thing or he’ll never make the sleigh team. How ‘bout you don’t judge a book by its cover you racist (and don’t get me started on Donner, nothings ever good enough for you is it Dad?). Then Ms. Clause is just trying to make him a nice meal and he won’t eat because he’s all crabby about the singing elves and all their damn Christmas spirit. You’re Santa how do you hate Christmas music? Then he tries to cancel Christmas at the drop of a hat. All I know is King Moonracer wouldn’t potentially ruin the lives of thousands of children because of a few flurries. Also he gains about 150 pounds in like an hour, I’m no doctor but that seems like something he might want to have checked out. And doesn’t Santa usually hand deliver the toys, or is because they’re misfit toys that they just get dropped off the sleigh with nothing more than an umbrella and a kick in the ass. I been walking down the street and had a light breeze turn my umbrella inside out. I’m all for Christmas magic and everything but I don’t think those umbrellas are going to cushion the fall from about 22,000 feet. Basically Santa is just sending the misfit toys to their death. There’s a word for that Santa, its called genocide, or ethnic cleansing if you prefer.

Abominable Snow Monster, if you’re really coming to Christmas Town looking for work, maybe you want to have more skills on your resume than being tall enough to put the star on the tree. Because they can get an elf to make a ladder for free and accomplish the same task. Also I just saw Yukon Cornelius lift up 4 elves at once to do the same thing, and he can also mine for silver and gold and lead a team of sled dogs so by my estimation that makes you useless.

Was Charlie in the Box always flamboyantly gay? I don’t remember that.

I don’t even want to talk about Hermey, that guy is just a train wreck.

Have holly jolly Christmas. After all, it is the best time of the year. Unless you’re an elf working for the a hole Santa.


Santa said...

Coal story.

Eric said...

oh crap, I didn't know Santa read my blog.

Los said...

I loved that "cartoon" as well. And yes, Santa seemed to be an old dick, didn't he?

Mike said...

Another cartoon note... I recently saw the Charlie Brown Christmas special for the first time in a few years. I thought that he was going to hang himself more than once. I almost felt bad laughing. Old cartoons are effed up.

Santa said...

Quit watching R rated cartoons and write another blog entry already.