Thursday, December 28, 2006

And I'm Back

Going to the gym is something I enjoy. I always feel better about myself, mentally and physically, after a workout. The results don’t really show when I exercise often, I’m still just skinny and pale, but at least I feel better. It’s been well over a year since I went to the gym because there wasn’t one convenient to me after I moved, but now I’m back in the city and there are at least three within reasonable walking distance so I don’t have that excuse anymore. I really have been meaning to join one but just haven’t gotten around to it because I’ve had other things to do. My social calendar is just booked solid for months at a time, you know how it is. Now that the holidays are just about over and I have nothing but time on my hands I really should get on that though, but there is another problem I face now. I can’t join a gym right now and have everyone thinking that I made some New Year’s resolution to get in shape. It’s a mental roadblock I just can’t seem to get around. I can be lumped in with that same group of indolent people who need an excuse to get off there ass. I need that excuse for everything else in my life, but not this. So basically I have to wait a month to do something I wanted to do weeks ago because I am a little lazy and a lot weird.

It’s not as if I hate New Year’s resolutions. I actually kind of enjoy them. I like structure, I like procrastination, and I like round numbers. A New Year’s resolution offers all of those things. You have a full year to accomplish a goal, a very structured amount of time. Most resolutions are something a person should have been doing a long time ago, but you can put it off until the New Year and call it a resolution. And you have definitive start date. It’s perfect really. I do in fact have a resolution, its money related, in the sense of me not spending so much of it. It should be a pretty easy goal to achieve taking into consideration the fact that I eat out everyday for lunch and most days for dinner. The simple act of making a sandwich ever once in a while has the potential to save me hundreds of dollars. Also I would like to be enrolled in a graduate program by the end of the year. That’s sort of money related as well since the only real reason I want to do this is to get paid more. Who really cares about bettering oneself of the pursuit of knowledge? Not me.

Those aren’t very exciting at all though, so I decided I need to jazz it up a little. True to my usual form, I need a resolution that is virtually impossible for me to accomplish but that I can feign total confidence in my ability to do so. Everyone knows about my marathon running, that is a great example, and it has to be accomplished within the year, but that’s a bet, so I need a different one for my resolution. Here is what I chose: by the end of the year 2007 I would like to dunk a basketball. Why would I pick this you ask? For the obvious reason, dunking is badass, and so am I. Can I do this? No, absolutely not. I’m 5’10”, not in good shape, and could barely touch the rim when I was, but I made it my resolution and if I don’t do it I’m a total failure. So good luck to me.

Here are a few more of my resolutions:

At the top of my list: "Continue to kick ass"
And then I hope to "Be as bad as I know I can be"
Also, to "Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy's mojo"
In addition, I plan to "Give it as good as I get it"
"Be all that and more"
and "Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket"
Plus, I plan to "Work my voodoo on the lady fans"
"Take a thorn out of some cat's paw."
and "Build a shrine to my own bad ass"
Then, it's time to "Give the demons what for"
"Spare the rod and spoil the face"
and "Continue to kick ass"
After which, I'll "Show the bad men what it's all about"
"Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop"
and "Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church"
Finally, this year, I will "Stick it to all the suckas"
and I'm gonna "Show the man that I mean business"
..and I'm gonna "Take a computer class."

(if you get the reference you’re my new favorite reader)


Jake said...

I think you'll dunk before running a 3.5 hour marathon, ha.

minijonb said...

I got the reference... but I cheated using Google to find the exact result.



...really, here's the answer...


Samuel L. Jackson's Monologue from the first 1998 show of "Saturday Night Live"

... "Ben Folds Five is here, so stick around, we'll be right back!"

Brian said...

i do not think you will not be able to dunk this year. my last year of HS i could dunk a tennis ball. however, dunking a full size basketball i suspect is much more difficult. you will need to dramatically increase your jumping ability. good luck

Mike said...

I agree with Brian, Sr year of HS I could grab the rim with both hands and still couldn't dunk a full size basketball.

Now I'm lucky if I can grab the net without one of my quads exploding.

Baha said...

You forgot "Don't get dominated by Baha"

Eric said...

Jake - We'll see about that, sucker

Minijonb - And I have a new favorite reader, in what I believe is your first ever comment, that's efficiency defined

Brian, Mike - duh, it was a joke. Although Brian, remember when you bought those jump trainer shoe things in college, that was awesome

Baha - get serious here, dik

Los said...

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions ... mainly because I'm a chicken. I would make a New Year's resolution that is too simple to reach, like "I will drink more beer."

David said...

I got SNL, but I thought it was Chris Farley on Weekend Update: I have what doctors call a bit of a "weight problem". I've never seen that Sam Jackson epidode.