Friday, December 15, 2006

I'm a Bit of a Foody

In a fit of laziness yesterday I posted a few links to stories that I found amusing and/or interesting. Surprisingly the only thing anyone seemed to focus on was the fact that I had tried broccoli for the first time ever this week. It was shocking to people, but if you think that’s strange you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. While the title has yet to be bestowed upon me I may be The World’s Pickiest Eater. So let’s talk about some of my food related neurosis.

Some of them are rather common, for example I despise mayonnaise. It is without a doubt my least favorite thing in the world, not just food, I mean out of everything in the entire world I hate mayonnaise more than anything. If mayonnaise has touched anything that I may at some point consume I can’t eat it. And don’t try and be funny and sneak some mayonnaise on my sandwich, because I’ll know, and I will punch you in the face. I also don’t eat seafood; I can’t get over the smell. This seems mildly reasonable to most people until they find out that I lived no more than a few minutes from the ocean for the first 20 years of my life. It’s like I grew up in some seafood Mecca and it’s sacrilegious for me not to love it. Also when I moved away I moved to Maryland where if you bad mouth a blue crab you’re putting your life in serious jeopardy.

Then there are the texture issues, there are a large assortment of things that I can’t eat because of texture. A lot of them I actually enjoy the flavor but the texture makes me want to vomit. Melons would be a good example of this, watermelons are delicious, but they are so squishy and gross I can’t eat them. The whole it’s a solid but not really thing bothers me. The only fruit I eat really are apples and grapes. Not all of that is texture related (like pears are just disgusting), but a lot of it is. Oranges, tangerines, peaches, apricots, you name I spurn them based on texture. Also gummi bears or anything in the gummi family I hate for the same reasons.

Vegetables are a different story. I just didn’t eat a wide variety as a child. We had corn, potatoes, or green beans most of the time. I’m actually finding I like most vegetables raw, but cooked is a different story. I love mashed potatoes, but I find that if they’re to smooth they make me gag and if they’re too lumpy the same result occurs. I don’t like mushy vegetables either. Bean are just sick, black, pinto, lima, whatever. Gross. And why do people cook vegetables down to the consistency of baby food. Carrots and celery are perfectly delicious when they have some bite to them, why ruin that. I love raw onions, I could eat them like apples if that were acceptable in polite society, but I don’t like cooked onions. Although if I’m eating a cheeseburger and an onion starts peeking out the side of the bun I usually take it off, I don’t really get it either.

There are many more examples of my craziness. I’m fairly certain most of it boils down to childhood opinions of things that are icky and if I actually tried more things I’d find that I rather enjoy some of them, but I’m not willing to take that chances. I have started to expand my horizons lately. I’ve added asparagus, bell peppers, and most recently broccoli to my vegetable repertoire. I ate lobster a few months ago and didn’t hate it, but I think if you slathered my own arm in enough melted butter I’d eat it and find it lovely. There is hope for me yet, but seriously don’t put any mayonnaise on my food or you’ll regret it.

Speaking of food the old alma mater is having an excellent food/poop related epidemic. I miss that place.


Jake said...

That's weird, Brian said you didn't have a gag reflex?!

Anonymous said...

Would you say you hate mayo more than you hate me?

baha said...

Would you say you hate mayo more than you hate me?

Mike said...

The reason you didn't hate lobster is because it is the best food (not just seafood) ever created.

I am also a bit crazy when it comes to food, like how I avoid spaghetti at all costs.

Dave said...

you failed to mention when i gave you the best piece of crab ever a couple of summers ago and your lips/tongue like barely touched it before you spit it out and claimed it was gross. you bastard

Rachel said...

I HATE shellfish. Any kind. Lobster, shrimp, crab etc.
It is a mental thing for me. I used to like shrimp until I saw a Skipper's commercial that had that song "Nowhere to run to baby...nowhere to hide" while live shrimp were running along the bottom of the ocean.
They were so gross looking that I still to this day cannot contemplate eating shellfish without getting queasy.
I also hate cooked veggies. Raw are great.
I don't mind texture except grainy textures like a milk based soup that has been re-heated.
I do like mayonnaise though. When I was a kid I ate mayonnaise sandwiches but then I used to eat saurkraut right out of the jar too. My palatte has matured a bit since then.

Amy said...

Wow! The next time someone accuses me of being a picky eater, or tells me that I eat "weird" stuff, I'm going to send them a link to this page.

Los said...

ALL SEAFOOD???? I know some people who will eat shrimp, and that's it.

BTW - I hate ham to the point where I can't stand the site and smell of it.

Eric said...

I thought I'd mention that I tried Salmon this weekend, the verdict: it wasnt great but wasnt bad.

David said...

Wow, you're worse than me. I agree, however, that mayonnaise is easily themost vile substance known to man.