Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I'll take "The Penis Mightier" for $400 please Alex

I have an absolute wealth of useless knowledge. I am an expert on nothing but I know a little bit about a lot of things. You know those irritating people who like to chime in with some worthless fact no matter what the conversation is? That’s me! I take a strange sort of pride in it, there’s a tiny little superior feeling I get out of knowing these things. I like learning also. For example, remember like two years ago when that movie Alexander came out, I watched that movie and decided that I needed to read a few biographies on him. I decided this not because I found the subject interesting (although it turns out to be fascinating), but because I didn’t really like the idea of Colin Farrell knowing more about something than me. Unless of course it’s how to look smoldering, or cursing, that guy can toss F bombs around with the best of ‘em. I realize that this makes me appear a little smug and pretentious, I promise I’m not. Or maybe I am sort of a prick, who knows, I hope not.

Basically the point is I know a lot of random crap, and revel in that knowledge, so there is really only one outlet where the useless becomes useful: Jeopardy! I love Jeopardy. I have been trying to get on it for years. I’m 100% convinced I would kick ass on the show but all my attempts have been rejected. I tried Teen Jeopardy!, College Jeopardy!, and regular Jeopardy all to no avail. Apparently the process is to take an online test and there is then a random drawing of names from those who passed to come take an interview. I have never made it to the interview process and now believe that it was all a scam perpetrated by that a-hole Alex Trebek just to get my email address to send me stupid spam emails about Jeopardy! goings on that I don’t care about (actually the fact that I didn’t see that one coming makes me feel sort of stupid and think maybe I wouldn’t do so hot on the show). Every couple of weeks I get an email and every time I feel a little twinge of excitement thinking I’m finally getting the call to the show. Every time I’m disappointed. I got one today to let me know that Celebrity Jeopardy! is coming this week with such magnificent stars as Regis Philbin, Susan Lucci, and Curt Schilling. I hate Curt Schilling, I don’t care if he’s making an appearance, when do I get my shot? Hell I’ll donate my winnings to charity like those lame celebrities as long as I get to beat up on some people on a quiz show. Ok my I’d donate half of my winnings, or none of them, but you get my point.

I’ve been spurned one too many times Trebek. If I ever make that dream true I plan on treating him like Sean Connory in those SNL skits. He’s earned it.


DelightfulJen said...

I also love Jeopardy, like you I tend to know a fair few random, mostly useless facts but those facts make me rock at Jeopardy.

The only episodes I've seen seem to be roughly 15 years old though, so it's kind of bad to watch.

Mike said...

Time for mine to go find SNL jeopardy clips on youtube. The day is mine!!!

Los said...

Just a shot in the dark here, but was your favorite character on "Cheers" Cliff Claven by any chance?

Eric said...

jen-Are you from the past?

mike-sounds like a pretty good way to spend an afternoon to me. I'll take the rapist for $500

Los-that reference is sort of lost on me. i've seen cheers but it was a little before my time to really get what you're talking about.

Hey Pretty said...

My mom was on Jeopardy back in the 70's. She won a 20-volume set of encyclopedias and a blender.

Eric said...

I'm pretty much totally jealous of your mom, except for those prizes, thats unfortunate. Maybe thats what delightfuljen has to look forward to when she goes on jeopardy in the past.

Mike said...

It's therapist and you know what, let's just go to letters of the alphabet for $200, ok.

Rachel said...

I love jeopardy and useless knowledge. I am very similar to you in that I throw facts out during a discussion that no one else has heard like.
You can't tell the sex of a penguin without performing an autopsy or if you put fish in a bucket and swirl the water around for a minute, they will get seasick and die.

Oh, and Cliff Clavin was the character that was always bringing useless facts while drinking beer at the bar with his buddies.
You would LOVE Cliff Clavin - other than the fact that he lives with his mom.

Steph said...

I can totally see you on Jeopardy. There must be someone you can bribe!