O's

Last night I went to the Orioles-Red Sox game, here are some notes:

- An albino man was sitting two rows in front of me. That part wasn’t the weird part, I think at 26 I’ve finally matured to the point where a physical abnormality isn’t going to cause any giggle fits (so why did I even mention it? Because I just did shut up). What was weird was the binoculars he used to view they game. Instead of traditional binoculars he had two individual eyepieces suction cupped to each lens of his glasses. He looked like a jeweler who got the loupe stuck in his eye and instead of seeing a doctor about it just went ahead and used the other eye, but then he got that one stuck too. And all game he kept turning around to talk to his friends, it was really freaking me out.

- Guess what? The Red Sox have a new Japanese pitcher. I’m not talking about Dice-K though; I’m talking about Hideki Okijima, a left handed reliever. One of the more obnoxious Red Sox fans, and there were plenty of them, was calling him Japelbon (after their closer Jonathan Papelbon). While it’s a mildly amusing play on his name, isn’t that also sort of racist? You might want to keep that one to yourself instead of yelling it in public.

- Speaking of Red Sox fans, there were definitely quite a few more of them in the stadium last night than there were Orioles supporters. This is almost always the case when the Yankees or Red Sox are in town. There are a few reasons for that. There fans travel well because it’s much more difficult/expensive to get tickets in Boston or New York so they go elsewhere to catch a game. Also no two teams in all of sports have had their bandwagons more overloaded in the last few years then them so they have “fans” everywhere. Be that as it may, if I was an Orioles fan I would be pretty appalled to go to a game and feel like it’s a road game because the other team’s fans outnumber you and are much louder. ESPN.com lists Baltimore’s average attendance as 21,964 a game. Good for 24th out of the 30 teams in the league. I’ve been to 5 of the 12 home games this year and I’m pretty confident that number isn’t even close to correct. Either that or I’m really bad at estimating because at least three of the games I’ve been to have seen less than 10,000 come through the turnstiles. There are 2.6 million people in the Baltimore metro area, and that doesn’t even include the millions of people in the D.C. metro area who live just a little ways down 95. You’re telling that on a nightly basis less than 1% of the population doesn’t want to come to a baseball game. Everyone laments the Yankees and Red Sox for the money they spend, but they spend that money because they make that money. Fan indifference isn’t really going help create a quality product on the field. I’m also a very firm believer that a great home crowd is worth a few wins a year, and for a team like the Orioles this year that could mean the difference between a playoff push and finishing 4th. Again. Get with it O’s fans, you have a beautiful stadium (easily top five in baseball, if not top 3) and you only outdrew the Nationals by 100 people last year. 100. Have you been to RFK stadium? It’s a hole. And the Nats may be one of the worst teams ever put together, they’re awful to watch, yet only 100 less people chose to see them play. That’s embarrassing.

- There was a woman in the stands looking at paint swatches and furniture catalogs the entire game. Seriously, you paid money for a ticket to do this? I guess I can’t complain though, at least she was there.

- Every inning when the outfielders are warming up a relief pitcher comes out of the bullpen to throw with the leftfielder. Every inning the pitcher waits for Corey Patterson to finish tossing with the right fielder then runs a crossing route while Patterson leads him to the bullpen door. I thought you should know that. It makes me like Corey Patterson a lot more.

Global Warming

This morning at work I received an email with a website where you could sponsor a tree for a dollar as a way to fight global climate change. Seems like a good idea, and I'm all for the whole green initiative, but I'm also very lazy so I just skimmed it and then deleted it. A few hours later I got another email in response to the first email. Apparently some one is very against this idea and wanted his voice to be heard. He reply simply stated, "no, global warming is a scam." The only problem is he accidently hit reply all, and sent this to several thousand people in the company. I think he will be seeing someone in their office later this afternoon.

***UDPATE***

The situation has deteriorated in to reply all mess. There is a debate on global warming raging. Also there are quite a few people requesting to take their names of of the list. Hey jackass, there are like 20,000 people on this email list, do you really thinking everyone is going to look through to find yours and delete it just so they can continue an argument without bothering you. Don't reply all if you want everyone else to stopped hitting reply all. There are also a few people who felt the need to throw out a zinger. Like this one, "I did not know the global warming causes email floods too." Boo yah. The piece du resistance though is this picture, sent to the entire company, from Mr. Bernardo Rios in the Houston, TX office:

Identity Theft

One of the fastest growing crimes in this country is identity theft. Some 10 million Americans have been victims of this crime in one way or another. I’m pretty lazy so, despite knowing this, I still toss my credit card information and social security number around the internet like Alec Baldwin insulting his daughter. I’ve yet to have a problem with this, but I imagine the effects of identity theft can range from mild pain in the ass to life ruining. That is why I understand the need for legal type people specializing in identity theft cases. It would be nice to know that there is an expert in this scenario that could help me. Today at lunch there was a guy in the restaurant passing out business cars for this exact reason.







This guy is not someone I think I would call if I happened to notice I was winning a lot of eBay auctions I did not bid on. Something just seems a little fishy about a guy who does his advertising by passing around cheap business cards in a deli. Independent Associate eh Anthony? Are you really going to help me out with an identity theft complaint or is this actually the worst scheme ever to steal my identity? I have to hand it to you; this is probably the first time anyone has ever tried reverse psychology to steal my identity. You’re good Anthony D. Hill, but I win this round.

A Little White Lie

I like to think that I’m a fairly decent person. I’m polite to everyone. I’m always available to help out a friend in need. One thing I rarely do though is give money to a homeless person. Living in the city long enough you become numb and immune the constant solicitations. I still feel bad when I pass by someone begging for change, so I at least try and acknowledge them instead of just blowing by pretending like they don’t exist. But too many times have someone asked for change to get a bite of eat only to turn down the actual food I’m offering. Beggars can’t be choosers homeless man, eat the damn sandwich.

Yesterday I may have crossed the line of being an asshole to a homeless man. I was walking down the street when a man asked if I had any change to spare. I gave him my usual response, “no sorry, brah, I don’t have anything.” I always add in a brah or bro or man or something like that, I have no idea why. Meanwhile the reason I was walking down the street is because I was finally heading to a Coinstar machine to cash in the hundreds of dollars in change that has been piling up in my bedroom for the last few months. A man simply asked for some change and I told him no when in reality I had like 2300 nickels in my bag. I think I may take a hit in the karma department for that one.

Take it away Jason.

Dom Imus is a jackass. He should've been fired a long time ago for being boring, unfunny, and scary looking. Also he's been dead for 10 years, that doesn't make for good radio. But should he have been fired for this latest incident with the Rutgers basketball team? American culture dictates that I'm not allowed to say what I think so I'll let Jason Whitlock, formerly of ESPN now of the Kansas City Star, tell you what I think.

An Open Letter to the training staff of the New York Yankees.

Dear training staff of the New York Yankees,

Make the players stretch their hamstrings before the game for Christ's sake. Dammit.

Regards,

Eric

A Disturbing Sight

I’ve spent a significant amount of time in several major cities. I also went to college. Those two experiences combined mean that I have seen many people urinate in many strange places. People get drunk and sometimes they just can’t make it to a restroom. Generally they will duck into an alley or behind a dumpster or bush. Or a bank vestibule on F St. if you’re Mike. Sometimes you’re really drunk and you just go underneath a table at Seacrets like Brian, but in his defense the floor is all sand, so that just gets absorbed. I have even relieved myself in some unusual areas, like the lobby of my schools architecture building. Once in New Orleans someone attempted to rob me at knifepoint while pissing behind a mailbox maybe 100 ft away from a cop (the robbery was unsuccessful, perhaps he saw I was trying to use the bathroom and his sense of decorum got the better of him, also he was like 13 so I just laughed at him and told him to go away). In fact, while in Philadelphia, I try and make a point to pee outside. The whole city smells like urine anyways so I assume that is encouraged. In all these scenarios there is a common factor controlling ones actions: alcohol. When you drink a lot of fluids they need to be expelled. When those fluids contain alcohol you tend not to care where you expel them. Knowing this I found it very strange when, while walking back to work from my lunch break, I saw a man peeing in a bed of grass along the sidewalk in plain view of the hundreds of business men and women walking down said street. He was sort of standing next to a tree, but made absolutely no attempt to hide himself behind that tree. I know what you’re thinking, he’s was probably a homeless man right? No he wasn’t. At least if he was he was very well dressed homeless man, which I’m sure is possible. It just begs the question, how bad do you have to go that you will just whip it out on the sidewalk for the entire world to see and think absolutely nothing of it? There are plenty of buildings he could have gone to for access to a public bathroom. There was a mall across the street. If you didn’t want to go in some building there are any number of alleys that would have provided plenty of privacy. So why do you have to piss on the sidewalk in downtown Baltimore so that I have to see this right after I just ate lunch?

Opening Day!!!

Hey everybody, it's Opening Day! Let's all put on our classiest gear and go out to the Yard and support the O's!

Next time Bonnie Tyler needs a hero I'll be there

About a week ago during a chase in Elkton a police officer lost control of his vehicle, flipped his car and crashed into a telephone pole. The car burst into flames with the cop still trapped inside. A person driving behind the officer saw this and took it upon himself to pull the man out of the burning car before any serious injury occurred. The police took a statement from the man but lost the paper work and were unable to identify him. Monday the identity of the hero was finally revealed. It wasn’t me. But he did have the exact same first and last name as me. How kickass is that. Way to represent us. I hope you don’t mind if I take some of the credit for your heroism. I like to think I would’ve done the same thing in that situation. The transitive property applies here, its basic math. You’re a hero, I have the same name as you; therefore, I’m a hero.

Am I the only one who finds this sign a little odd. One of these things might not belong. Is anyone walking down the street, trying to decide where to go to lunch, thinking, "where the hell can I get some good Lake Trout in this city?"

News and Notes

- I’d like to apologize person who Googled “NASCAR can’t be turned into a walk in the park” and was referred to my blog first. Obviously this was not what you were looking for. I not a big NASCAR fan (and by not a big fan I mean I think its boring and dumb) but if you like you can email me and I’d be happy to throw up a 1,000 word post on the state of NASCAR and someone’s conspiracy to make it easy. Or whatever.


- Baseball season is finally underway and I couldn’t be more pumped. The Yankees won in a sloppy come from behind win against the Devil Rays. Carl Pavano did nothing to make me hate him less and the defense was atrocious but at least ARod factored prominently in a comeback (and even got a curtain call), and the bullpen pitched really well (3 hits, no walks, 5 Ks in 4.2 IP). Those are encouraging signs. I think I’m just going to have to except the fact that I’m going to be watching a lot of four and a half hour games this year. This come to think of it is pretty standard for the Yankees over the years.


- Another Yankees not: Bernie Williams once again showed the class and dignity that made him the heart and soul of so many championship teams. I f’ing love that guy, and I got tickets to Bernie Williams day at the stadium I’d probably get pretty emotional. If you read the article check out the comments section and try and figure out which ones mean, I couldn’t not chime in and I couldn’t not be a dick about it. That’s how I roll.


- I don’t really know what I irony is but I think kicking the shit out of someone being the catalyst for getting you released from prison might be somewhat ironic.


- Of course only in jersey is this something that needs to be debated on.


- The Bush administration completely disregarded environmental regulations. Get right out of town.


- Does anyone have $150K I can borrow? I need this.


- This one is thrown in here specifically for Mike. If you know him you know he’ll likely be masturbating to this story this evening.

Top if the Mountain

Next time you find yourself on the Jumbotron chugging a beer for like a minute in a half the first thing you need to do after that is find a mirror so you can look yourself in the eye when you say "Yes. I've finally made it."

I'm back?

I know I said over a week ago that the computer issues at work had been solved but apparently I was wrong. My work hell has continued throughout this week. It appears as though the IT guy is completely useless and incompetent so my computer continues to be ravaged by disease. That is of course until I remembered yesterday that I am both brilliant and awesome. The virus on my computer is apparently a super virus. It’s like the AIDs of Trojan viruses and I can’t get rid of it. Every time I think I have it pinned down it pops up somewhere else. I don’t know nearly enough about computers to express this properly but basically its not doing any sort of damage, all it does it use up a ton of memory and server space (or something like that) which makes it impossible for me to do things like open Outlook to check work email, print to any networked printers, or use the internet. But here is where my brilliant awesomeness comes in to play, all I had to do was go into the Windows task manager, find the virus working on the list of processes, and end the process. It’s so simple, why I didn’t think of that two weeks ago is a mystery. Maybe I was in a haze from Vegas. We’ll go with that.

I know what you’re thinking. Eric why didn’t you just use your home computer to put up a post from time to time? Through these trying to times I’ve come to realize that I’m perhaps more of a slave to habit than I thought. Which means blogging is for work not home. I thought about doing it from home, but I could never muster up the energy to actually do it. I’m not sure why, it just is what it is. So anyway, I hope this jury rigged system holds up for a while, and if so I can get back to regular blogging. If anyone even still reads this that is, I mean I know I would give after a week of no posting.

HAPPY MUSTACHE DAY !!!!!

Today is National Mustache Day. I hope everyone is enjoying there holiday weekend and living it up with all kinds of mustache related festivities. Remember people with mustaches don't drink and drive. For more mustache day related fun and pictures check out Brian's blog. Bonus points for anyone who can guess which one is me (Hint: I'm the one with the sweet mustache).

Vegas

I said I would do a recap of my trip to Las Vegas last weekend so here it goes: watched a lot of basketball, lost a lot of money gambling, spent a lot of money on booze, threw up several times. Just kidding. Although not really, that pretty much sums up the entire weekend, but I’ll go a little more in depth. Let’s break it down by day.

Wednesday:

I guess I got a tad overzealous when booking my flight because I was scheduled to arrive several hours before everyone else. This would’ve left me in a bit of a dilemma considered the hotel was in Mike’s name and I wouldn’t be able to check in until he got there. So my plan was obviously to leave my bag at the front desk and gamble by myself until someone else turned up. This sounds like something that isn’t very fun, unless you’re me, in which case it’s awesome. But Southwest, sensing my dilemma, and being an ace at customer service, solved this problem for me. When I arrived at the gate my customary 15 to 20 minutes before the plane takes off I was in formed that I had been put on a different flight leaving in ten minutes. So I rush to the new gate to wait in the back on the C line so I can sit in the back of the plane, next to the bathroom, between two gross dudes. There I learn that I have an hour and a half layover in Albuquerque, NM. Kick ass! Since I would now only be arriving in Vegas a few minutes before Mike I can wait for him and check into the hotel before getting the party started. Finally I arrive in Vegas and sit down in a bar to enjoy some NIT action and a $7.50 airport Miller Lite. I probably should check the arrival board before settling in because Mike’s flight was delayed about 40 minutes. 30 something dollars in airport Miller Lites later Mike finally get there and we can go to the hotel. So to sum up, with the cab ride I was already down over $40 and two hours behind schedule before even officially arriving in Vegas. A bad omen? I think so.

The rest of the night was pretty standard, just a few hours of blackjack at the Mirage with Randy my Mr. Universesque dealer. I am only slightly exaggerating when I say he had at least 140” chest. Randy was enormous. And quite possibly the corniest man in the world. He was full of the dumbest jokes ever, and since I was at the table for a few hours, and everyone else was turning over at a pretty good rate, I got to hear his whole routine at least three times. Here my favorite that jokester Randy was slaying ‘em with over and over again:

Randy: Did you hear about that actress that killed herself? Reese, uh, Reese, ummm…
Unsuspecting Victim: Witherspoon?
Randy: No with a knife. (Rim shot)

Good one Rand.

I’ll leave Thursday - Sunday for tomorrow since I don’t feel like writing anymore. I’m sorry that you guys won’t be able to sleep tonight because of the anticipation of that one but I have to go back to pretending to do work for a while.

A Great Day

Today is a truly glorious day. I’ve been living in an almost unimaginable nightmare for most of this week but a miracle has occurred to wake me up from it. This has been a truly harrowing experience but through perseverance and fortitude I’ve manage to come out of this crisis on top. That’s right friends; the internet on my office computer is finally working again. For three agonizing days I’ve been unable to read blogs, check fantasy sports or catch up on the news. I’ve actually had to put in 8 solid hours of work and it has been a painful experience. I’ve sat by idly and watched the IT guy unsuccessfully attempt to quell the virus ravaging my computer and wondered if I was going to have to start looking for a new job. Because as you all know I have the work ethic of an 18 year old cat. Without the internet the hours spent starring blankly at the wall may have caused me to go insane. But thankfully, through some unforeseen force (divine maybe?), my internet is once again aiding my procrastination and I couldn’t be happier.

Are my teeth really that big?

I came back from Vegas late yesterday. Being at work kind of sucks, mostly because you sort of need a vacation from vacations like Vegas. Hence I don't really have the energy yet to write about it. But we did meet a mall caricature artist at a bar and Pat got her to do a picture of us on a cocktail napkin. Apparantly I have gigantic front teeth and Pat sort of looks like the Grinch. Also notice that our vacation beards are in full effect. Enjoy:

Cherry Coke and Gardening

-I was riding the elevator today on my way down to pick up a sandwich when we made a stop at the 9th floor. On came three people in full on gardening attire including work gloves and bandanas to hold keep hair out of their eyes, one woman was even wearing overalls, and they all had big watering cans. What the hell is going on down there on the 9th floor? Is there a botanical gardens I didn’t know about? It seems to me that you could just have a receptionist or someone take ten minutes out of their day to water the plants in the office. Is this really such a huge task that you have to contract out the work? And even if it is are three people really required to get it done in a reasonable amount of time? If so you might want to trim down on the jungle you’re growing down there 9th floor.

-Is there anything more awesome than getting a Cherry Coke out of the vending machine, getting pissed that a regular Coke came out instead, then accepting the fact you are going to have to drink the regular Coke, only to realize that it is in fact a Cherry Coke, they just changed the can to disguise it as a regular Coke? I say no.

-At this time tomorrow I will be on a plane flying to fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada to enjoy some March Madness related activities, thus this will be my last post until next week. But upon my return you can look forward to (or the opposite of that) me regaling with stories of drinking, gambling, and drinking while gambling. As the saying goes, “What happens in Vegas, goes in my blog.”

Not Exactly a Walk in the Park

I walk fast. I guess I have a particularly long gait which allows me to really eat up ground. Also I’m of the mentality that if I’m actually trying to get somewhere walking slowly is just killing time. It’s not like I can’t enjoy my surroundings from time to time and take in the sights. I love a leisurely stroll as much as the next guy but not during a workday, then I just want to be where I’m trying to go, so I don’t traipse around like a sloth that just woke up from a nap. Needless to say I hate slow walkers. Some people can’t help it, like old ladies and fat people, they can only propel their bodies but so fast so I don’t hold that against them. Also short people; they have tiny legs so while they make be working as hard as a taller person there Lilliputian steps hold them back. Actually I applaud the effort. But I really can’t stand a completely able bodied person who is to lazy to walk at a decent speed. Here are a few different types of slow walkers that I really hate:

-The business people who travel in packs. Hey assoles, do you really have to walk 6 wide making it impossible for me to pass you, thus forcing me walk half speed for 4 blocks? Try breaking it down into columns guys, it would be like Nascar, you could draft off of each other and maybe this would allow you to walk at a reasonable pace.

-Even worse than that are smokers who travel in packs. Now not only can I not pass you I get the benefit of you blowing smoke in my face the whole time. Awesome.

-I hate the weaver too. You know the people who, despite being completely sober are weaving back and forth like Tara Reid on a Friday night in Miami Beach. There not blocking the way like the slowing moving herds of businessmen but they still manage to impede my progress because every time I commit to a direction they starting drifting over that way. Seriously, get some control of your body and walk in a straight line.

- This last one is the one I hate the most. It only seems to happen in big cities and it drives me absolutely insane, and I think it might only happen to me. These are the people who come to a complete stop when they feel a person about to pass them. I’ve even had people stop and turn around and give me a dirty look like I did something wrong. I’m not a ninja, its not like I’m sneaking up on anyone, I’m just trying to walk down the street. What happen in your life that made you so paranoid that you think anyone who is walking slightly quicker than you is coming up to attack you? Did you consistently have you ass kicked when you younger and you developed this nervous habit? Oh God, there’s a skinny redhead in business attire rushing up from behind, I better turn around to fend of his attempts to stab me in the kidney and steal my wallet. You really have a negative outlook on life if you can’t walk down the street without thinking you’re about to get mugged, take a xanax and relax buddy.

Finally

Yes. When I decided sophomore year to change my major from computer science to mechanical engineer it was in hopes of gaining the education to produce inovations like this. Clearly I lack vision.