Monday, March 12, 2007

Not Exactly a Walk in the Park

I walk fast. I guess I have a particularly long gait which allows me to really eat up ground. Also I’m of the mentality that if I’m actually trying to get somewhere walking slowly is just killing time. It’s not like I can’t enjoy my surroundings from time to time and take in the sights. I love a leisurely stroll as much as the next guy but not during a workday, then I just want to be where I’m trying to go, so I don’t traipse around like a sloth that just woke up from a nap. Needless to say I hate slow walkers. Some people can’t help it, like old ladies and fat people, they can only propel their bodies but so fast so I don’t hold that against them. Also short people; they have tiny legs so while they make be working as hard as a taller person there Lilliputian steps hold them back. Actually I applaud the effort. But I really can’t stand a completely able bodied person who is to lazy to walk at a decent speed. Here are a few different types of slow walkers that I really hate:

-The business people who travel in packs. Hey assoles, do you really have to walk 6 wide making it impossible for me to pass you, thus forcing me walk half speed for 4 blocks? Try breaking it down into columns guys, it would be like Nascar, you could draft off of each other and maybe this would allow you to walk at a reasonable pace.

-Even worse than that are smokers who travel in packs. Now not only can I not pass you I get the benefit of you blowing smoke in my face the whole time. Awesome.

-I hate the weaver too. You know the people who, despite being completely sober are weaving back and forth like Tara Reid on a Friday night in Miami Beach. There not blocking the way like the slowing moving herds of businessmen but they still manage to impede my progress because every time I commit to a direction they starting drifting over that way. Seriously, get some control of your body and walk in a straight line.

- This last one is the one I hate the most. It only seems to happen in big cities and it drives me absolutely insane, and I think it might only happen to me. These are the people who come to a complete stop when they feel a person about to pass them. I’ve even had people stop and turn around and give me a dirty look like I did something wrong. I’m not a ninja, its not like I’m sneaking up on anyone, I’m just trying to walk down the street. What happen in your life that made you so paranoid that you think anyone who is walking slightly quicker than you is coming up to attack you? Did you consistently have you ass kicked when you younger and you developed this nervous habit? Oh God, there’s a skinny redhead in business attire rushing up from behind, I better turn around to fend of his attempts to stab me in the kidney and steal my wallet. You really have a negative outlook on life if you can’t walk down the street without thinking you’re about to get mugged, take a xanax and relax buddy.

9 comments:

R2K said...

: )

Rachel said...

I work about 20 miles from where i live so I drive to work. I can relate to this in the mall setting though. Drives me crazy too.

Tara said...

Your post made me laugh out loud while at work. I think it was the ninja thing that really got me, but I can relate to all of it. Thank you very much!

I've got one...the corporate groups that walk together reminded me of the groups of friends at the rec center who take up both walking paths and slow down because they're too busy talking rather than exercising and realizing others are on the same path. I wind up having to merge into the running lane, speed up and pass them, only to wind up in the same predicament the next time around because they haven't made much progress due to yappin.

Golden Silence said...

I'm a fast walker too and I cannot stand it when people walk too slow or block the way. And they don't move when I say "excuse me." People can be ridiculous.

Hey Pretty said...

Oh yeah, I totally hear you on all this. Even at a mere 62 and a half inches tall, I have a very fast walk. It's probably from years of having to keep up with tall people that I now overcompensate. I always feel like pushing slowpoke walkers aside when I have the misfortune of coming across them.

Los said...

I hate these slow pokes when I'm walking around a shopping mall ... I especially HATE the people that decided to stop in the middle of the mall for no reason.

BTW - have a great trip to Vegas!

Matthew said...

Eric, don't you know that 75% of all attacks come from behind?

CATHERINETTE SINGLETON said...

It reminds me of getting trapped in the hallways in high school/college because people were too busy talking and they'd block the hallways. Bastards!

Mike said...

A Tara Reid reference? Nice.

Another one... and it's particularly bad in DC, the tourists that just stop in the middle of the sidewalk. If you want to take a picture or are lost and need to look at a map don't panic and stop dead, move off to the side and let people pass. Or worse, if you think the architecture on a building facade of a CVS at 11th and F is so interesting that you can hold up all pedestrian traffic to bask in the glory you really just need to get out more.