Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Journalism At its Finest

This morning I was sent this new story about a man who wrote an article called “Why I Hate Blacks.” It was written by a man named Kenneth Eng for AsianWeek, a San Francisco based paper. I was pretty shocked that a newspaper claiming to be “The Voice of Asian America” would publish an article that said “blacks are weak-willed” because “they are the only race that has been enslaved for 300 years.” Eng also claims that 90% of his daily encounters with black people are of the negative variety. Get serious here Ken, you’re telling me that on a more than daily basis you have an altercation with a black person. Once again, how does a publication claiming to speak for an entire race put out such hate filled, fact less vitriol? I decided to take a look at the Kenneth Eng archives and came across some really incredible stuff from the self proclaimed “God of the Universe” and “Asian Supremacist.” Let us take a look at this ridiculousness:

-In “Diary of an Attack” he talks about confronting a group of teenagers who hurled a racial epithet his way. I don’t want to dispute the contents of a story I know nothing about, and maybe it’s because I’m a reasonable non racist, but it seems strange that people are just shouting racial slurs at you for no reason at all. Also I in now way support that sort of activity but do you really think the appropriate response is to call the teenagers “conformist white whores” and challenge them to a fist fight? You’re really doing your part to change the world, end racism, and create equality by trying to fight anyone who calls you a name. Oh and the part about you being committed to a mental institution twice instead of your attackers being arrested, I’m not buying that.

-He rails against all of the people who don’t support him having “fistfights and verbal altercations with many who discriminated against me and my people” in “Why I Hate Asians.” Apparently those who don’t believe violence is the best way to fight discrimination are “sycophants” who “mindlessly side with whites and blacks.” He really doesn’t like Asian with British accents either because why would you want to emulate people who “don’t yet understand the concept of dental hygiene.” I thought that Asian people who had British accents had them because they were from England. I didn’t know it was common for Asian to feign this accent. Oh and it’s perfectly ok to use outdated stereotypes against British (see: white) people, but if you see an Asian stereotype portrayed in a movie theater the proper response is to” immediately stand up and shout incessantly at the screen so that none of the white audience members could enjoy the film.” This guy is a raving lunatic.

-“Why Non-Violent Protests Will Never Help Asians” is an article expressing his ideas that the only way to gain the respect of a “Caucosoid” is to beat the crap out of him and then lie to this police. Really this stuff should be taught in classrooms worldwide.

-The real winner of the bunch though is “Why Whites Inherently Hate Us.” In the article he gives six examples of racism. Some of which are just stupid, and a few which are unfortunate examples of true racism, none of which proves that all white people hate Asian people. Inherent means that it is an intrinsic characteristic of a person that is wholly inseparable from that person. So what you’re saying is that because two hillbillies weren’t acquitted of a murder 25 years ago I was born with a hatred of all Asians. I would beg to differ friend. And I would have to take umbrage with you calling the killing of six people righteous. I don’t know the events of that day and I’m would tend to believe that Chai Vang did in fact feel that his life was in danger at some point, but really what is righteous about shooting people multiple times in the back?

It is truly amazing to me that this guy is given a forum in a legitimate newspaper to spread his “opinions.” These are some of the most racist, uninformed, unintelligent things I’ve ever read. The basic gist of his principles are that the Asian race is superior and that Asian outnumber all other races so violent means should be used in order for Asian to take their rightful place in the world. He’s sort of just an Asian Nazi. He talks about his constant physical altercations, blaming them on racism, but really is he anything more than a raging psychotic seeking out fights so that he can prove he’s discriminated against? Seriously, you’re a gay Asian man living in San Francisco, if you’re facing discrimination, racism, and hatred everyday I would hate to see what would happen if you moved to another city.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Is it wrong...

...that seeing this on my walk home from work yesterday afternoon totally made my day.

I mean maybe I'm a dick for laughing at this but really, you didn't this coming?

**UPDATE** In hindsight that picture isn't terribly clear (stupid camera phone) and I gave no description, that is in fact a car that parked in a pothole so big the entire wheel fell in and can't get out, its been there for a few days.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Getting Medieval

You can rest easy on Sunday night when you know you’re weekend was well spent. That can mean a lot of different things but for me this weekend it meant being able to cross an item off of my list of things to do before I die. Saturday night for Morgan’s birthday we took in a magical evening of dinner and tournament at Medieval Times. This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and it lived up to, and exceeded, my every expectation. Just a night full of renaissance festival type nerdiness, horses, jousting, and horrendous acting, who could ask for anything more? An “exhilarating night of fun, feasting, and fighting” indeed. Let’s go through some of the highlights.

Upon entering the castle (and yes it really is in a fake castle) everyone is split into groups based on which knight you will be pulling for and given a colored crown corresponding with said knight. Then you congregate in a common area waiting to be seated. This is a good opportunity to talk trash to the other guests and to buy souvenirs like the 40 oz. margarita me and Leslie split in the gigantic souvenir cup. Some might say that’s a bit excessive, I say $24 well spent. Because nothing says 11th century Europe like a margarita.

After a half hour or so everyone is ushered into the arena, which is essentially a big sand pit surrounded by different colored seating. The serving wench comes out to give you some basic instructions, like turn the handle of your pretend pewter cup out if you want Pepsi and in if you want iced tea, you know, the usual. Then the show begins. They start by giving you a back story so you have a foundation to understand what’s going on. I would love to relay some of that too you but the fog machines were really cranking at this point and I couldn’t here anything that was happening. It was really just a bunch of bad British accents and overacting. Something about a war, and I think the king’s brother died or something, which for some odd reason means that there will be a tournament between his six knights to see who will be crowned his successor. I was under the impression that the line of succession for royalty went from parents to there children, and I remember them mentioning something about a Princess Esperanza, so why would a knight be next in line, seems odd to me but whatever. Finally that’s over and everyone settles in to start some feasting. And here comes the aforementioned Esperanza and boy is she annoying. She sits next to the king up on the throne to enjoy some pre feast entertainment. Our serving wench comes out to dish up the first course, which means carrying a bucket of vegetable soup around and ladling it into our bowls for us to drink from. No kidding. No silverware in medieval times means we eat with our hands. This was wasn’t too bad with the soup but next up was half of a chicken. I kind of don’t like eating with my hands so I felt pretty slovenly ripping at this chicken. While everyone is eating medieval style we are entertained by some horses prancing around, which is cool I guess but if I wanted to see some dressage I would’ve sought that out elsewhere, I’m here for some jousting dammit. Then the falconer comes out and lets his falcon fly around in circles for a few minutes. I have no idea what that had to do with anything I was just hoping it didn’t poop in my giant margarita while flying overhead.

Finally after all that we get to the good stuff. The tournament is starting. First test of knighthood is a glorified carnival game; the knights ride their horse around and try to pull a ring off of a string with a lance. A good start for the blue knight, him and two others win and ride up to get some flowers from the princess for their victory, which they then toss into the crowd, always the showmen those knights. The next game is pretty stupid; two riders ride the length of the arena toss flags between each other. I guess you lose if you drop it but no one does because you would have to have the coordination of one-legged drunk trying to run hurdles to drop one. This game is followed by the javelin toss, only the knights are riding to within a foot or two of the target before releasing their projectile, so this isn’t very exciting. Although boring the tactic makes sense because I can’t imagine Medieval Times would stay in business very long after a stray javelin spears an 8 year old at his birthday party. More flowers for the victors, one of which the blue knight tosses back to the princess. Uh-oh, is there a secret romance going on behind the scenes with our knight and the princess, I can’t wait to see how this turns out. Another variation of the ring game. I don’t think this tournament isn’t getting the job done and the king agrees. He decides that we’re going to need to see some fighting to settle on his successor.

Now it’s joust time. First up blue knight vs. yellow knight. They joust and after a couple of passes the blue knight knocks yellow night off of his horse. Then a few more passes where the yellow knight holds a shield up for the blue knight to ram a lance into. He then climbs down for some sword fighting. What follows is some of the most intense action I’ve ever seen. By now you’re so into the story that you really believe these are two knights fighting for their lives. Ok maybe not, maybe these fight scenes make a Steven Seagal movie look like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but it’s still hilarious to watch. My favorite part is when someone takes a punch then stumbles back about 15 feet and then does a roll in the sand for emphasis. There timing is way off; someone will hold their shield up for a sword blow that doesn’t come for another 3 or 4 seconds. They really need to tighten up this choreography if I’m going to find it believable. Son of a bitch, the stupid blue knight lost, which is annoying, now we just have to watch everyone else get pumped about their knight knowing ours was the first one eliminated. Predictably it comes down the red and green knights; they were obviously the two best. The red knight wins and everyone is happy as the king crowns his successor. But what is this, the red knight has betrayed the kingdom, he’s the one who killed King Alfonso’s brother! What treachery! Who can we count on to avenge this death and restore order to the kingdom? Oh yeah, its our hero the blue knight back to take vengeance on the red knight in the name of King Alfonso and his lover Princess Esparanza in final epic battle. Shocker, blue knight wins, we can wear our blue crowns with pride as we exit the battlegrounds to get autographs from the performers. Obviously the writers of the script are big fans of professional wrestling.

All in all its was a really good time in a this is the cheesiest thing ever and I love it sort of way. I highly recommend a night of dinner and tournament, but only once because anymore than that and you’re sort of a huge nerd.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Imagine what they'd do to bloggers

Now everyone knows that human rights are not China’s strong suit. I’m not really sure if this fits the mold of a human rights violation but I do know this: China is hardcore. Are treatment facilities for internet addiction really necessary? Is it really a “grave social problem?” It seems to me that internet addiction = no social life. It’s not like these kids are mainlining heroin or giving some dude a bj for a little coke, or neglecting their two children, showing everyone their cooter, then shaving their head . This isn’t something I would consider paying “about 10 times the average salary in China” to treat. I would just smack my kid in the back of the head and tell him to go outside and play basketball.

The facility is “located on an army training base” and “is distinct from the other buildings on campus because of the metal grates and padlocks on every door and the bars on every window.” Wait, what? Padlocks on the doors and bars on the windows? Just in case the kids face the irrepressible urge to escape and run rampant through downtown Shanghai looking for a place to play Warcraft. Possibly a bit excessive is all I’m saying.

The article discusses two “milder cases” of patients seeking treatment. They typically spend four to five hours a week on the internet. No seriously, four to five hours a week. If that’s an addiction than me and many of the people reading this right now would be strapped to a table getting some sort of electroshock therapy as we speak if we lived in China. Another patient with the help of counseling has “mapped out a life plan from now until he's 84.” This in particular cracked me up because it just seems to be playing up a lot of Asian stereotypes. I imagine the overbearing father who has been forcing his son to lead the life he’s chosen for him, the son is not follow this path thus dishonoring the family, only to fall in line later despite being miserable. Also they know kung fu.

This guy Guo Tiejun appears to get it though. According to him “the root of the problem is loneliness and that the most effective treatment is to treat the teens ‘like friends.’” Basically is looks as if China is just really antinerd and they want to force people into well roundedness. I’ve got news for you China; military treatment facilities are not the answer. If you really want nerds to get up from the computer I have a much easier, much more effective approach for you: introduce them to some girls.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Centennial Something

Today is a monumental day that I’m certain will be celebrated throughout the blogging world. This happens to be my 100th post. It’s somewhat shocking to see that I’ve lasted this long considering I have the attention span of a hummingbird and an absolutely sloth like work ethic. Although it is probably my work ethic, or lack there of, at my actual job that allows me to keep up with a blog. What is even more shocking is that little number down at the bottom of the screen creeping towards 9,000. I know that’s relatively small compared to many blogs but still, who reads this crap, its nuts.

Many people write something to commemorate such a benchmark. Generally it’s a forum to laud their personal growth as a result of being able to express emotions openly through blogging, or to extol the virtues of blogging as a development tool for their writing. Well, I write about bike messengers, Atlantic City, and astronaut sex so I doubt this venture has brought any personal growth my way. My writing skills are a completely different story. I’m not really a writer, so its not like I treat this as a workshop until I write my novel, but still, I seem to have gone from mediocre to sub par in the last few weeks. It’s seems as though my ideas are drying up along with my effort. Some people (one in particular) might say that shows a lack of concern for the reader. You’re probably right about that. There is strong evidence to prove this case. My readership has been steadily declining lately and my comments are way down, although that’s mostly because a lot of my real life friends got bored with this whole deal long before I did.

Anywho, thanks to everyone who bothers to come by here everyday. I’ll try not to suck as much in my next 100.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A word of advice...

... when you haven't been to the gym in almost two years you might want to take it easy to start instead of going at your first few workouts like you're training for an olympic powerlifting competition. The result of which is you not being able to extend your arms past 90 degrees for three days. I learn these things the hard way so you don't have to.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dolla, Dolla coins y'all

The government is throwing another dollar coin initiative at us. They’re really trying to shove these things done our throats huh. Most people seem against the idea, although I’m sure if they took the paper money out of circulation eventually no one would even notice or care. I’m mainly indifferent to the issue except for two things. First, I have change falling out of my pockets constantly. Which is fine when I dropping 12 cents, but I’m going to get upset when it’s $5. Second, you know how awesome it is when you reach into the pocket of a pair of pants you wore two weeks ago and pull out a wad of cash? That probably won’t happen very often with dollar coins. No one leaves change in their pockets, it all goes into the change jar that you know everyone has.

I do like how the mint is going to issue a new quarter every three months commemorating a new president. I think that is a great strategy. That way they have to stick to the plan for at least 11 years or nerds will be in a total uproar about not being able to have a complete set of presidential dollars, and by the time it rolls around to the most current president there is a great chance that it’s an accepted form of money. Although you’re collection of state quarters only adds up to $12.50. Will people really want to take $50 of their own money out of circulation just so they can hang on to their Franklin Pierce dollar? And imagine what a hot commodity that Millard Fillmore dollar is going to be when it comes out.

Here is a downside of coins taking over for paper money: this could be a major detriment to the world of exotic dancing. Which would a patron rather carry around, a crisp stack of ones or a big sack of coins? And just imagine what strippers would have to endure. I’m certain they would much prefer a few bucks slipped into a garter as opposed to being pelted by weighty dollar coins. Plus it seems like something that would be a pretty big tripping hazard on stage. So I think we should be against this change, for the good of the stripper.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I've never been skiing, but now I can imagine what its like

When you live in a condo you’re required to pay condo fees. With these condo fees you expect certain amenities. This morning as I was hydroplaning down my steps that were covered in a rock solid 4” layer of ice I couldn’t help but wonder why that wasn’t one of those amenities covered. I mean really, it’s only like 10 steps, is it too much to ask to scrape them off in the middle of an ice storm? I don’t expect them to be totally clean, I’m a reasonable person, but could you at least try and knock it down to an inch or two so I at least have a fighting chance? Oh and while you’re at it could you try and dust off that jagged layer of ice from the railing so that when I use it to keep my balance as I’m skiing down the stairs I don’t rip my hands to shreds. That would kick ass. Thanks condo association, I appreciate it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Every year you hear about a new government study released claiming some foods have magical health effects. Or you find out that some common household item causes cancer. The results usually seem fairly obvious and leave you thinking, did they really just waster millions of dollars to tell me this? But finally I've found a study I can get behind. I new those crazy Europeans had it right all along with their siestas. Next time I'm nodding off at my desk and my boss comes by to give me the business I can say, I hope your happy, I'm now 37% more like to die of heart disease because you're being an a hole. Have fun with that on your conscience

Open Letter

Dear, Bob Ryan, Topper Schutt, and whatever other weather person predicted a winter storm,

I wish you weren't a liar.



Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Dear Bike Messengers

I get the practicality of bike messenger style. If I had to worry about getting caught in the chain of a bike and flipping over the handle bars, causing both bodily harm and total embarrassment, I would definitely wear man capris everyday. Wind burn is a serious issue when riding around the city all day so of course your caveman beard makes perfect sense. The bags are named after you after all so why wouldn’t you carry one and the fingerless gloves allow you protection from the cold while still making it possible to leaf through the very important lawyery documents in said bag to ensure an accurate delivery. Most people would find your fashion choices a little odd but I know that you are just about doing your job to the best of your abilities and I applaud you for that. I do have one question though, what’s with the smell? Is showering regularly something that is frowned up in the handbook? Do you lose credibility amongst your peers if you use deodorant? Don’t even try and use the “I ride a bike all day” excuse because I’m not buying it. That might be plausible in June but its 20 degrees outside, if you’re working up a sweat you might want see a doctor because you have some sort or glandular issue. Why is it that when the elevator I’m riding stops I can tell, just from that faint waft of BO penetrating the crack in the door, that I’m going to have to hold my breath for the next 15 floors?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Talk about a space cadet

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. And I don’t mean that’s what I told people I wanted to be when I was like 6. I mean in high school and college I thought seriously that I would like to be an astronaut. I majored in mechanical engineering; I even sent a resume to NASA when I graduated. Not that I had a chance in hell of getting that job but whatever. Eventually I realized that I was smart enough to be the kind of astronaut whose role is to perform experiments. That only left being a shuttle pilot, which more than likely would involve me being a military pilot first, and if you know me you know I’m not exactly cut out for that, kind of a pussy. Not to mention I’m nearly blind. So basically being an astronaut was out. And now look what I’m missing out on.

When I decided that I like the thought of being an astronaut it was because I completely romanticized the idea of space. Exploring the unexplored parts of our universe. Basically I had seen too many Tom Hanks movies. I never even imagined all the other perks; like crazy astronaut love triangles. This story is awesome. Lack of gravity must have knocked a few screws loose with this woman. Driving 900 miles to confront someone is crazy enough. Wearing a disguise to confront that person makes it even crazier. Wearing a diaper so that you can make the drive faster and you’ve officially lost your grip on sanity.

I love that she wore a wig and trench coat, followed her in the background onto the airport shuttle, then to her car. Then she pretended to cry to trick the woman into rolling her window down so she could attempt to debilitate her by spraying pepper spray in the crack. Do the CIA and NASA share a training facility? Because that is some hardcore shit. And then she’s carrying around Jack Baeur’s man purse. Her bag contained “the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags.” She was totally going to go CTU on her to extract information, by torture, on her relationship with this dude she all about. This is like fatal attraction 101. It’s also the reason I’m reconsidering giving up on become an astronaut. This is the kind of scandal and intrigue I need more in my life.

I can't think of mine own ideas so I copy others

Here’s a long and boring account of me watching the Superbowl at a friends party:

5:26 – Aaron just arrived at the party.

5:27 – Aaron just got kicked out of the party. Matt apparently is pretty angry with him for lying about the circumstances of a bet he lost to Brent. I feel uncomfortable, and yet very intrigued about the direction this party is going already. Dave just sent me a text message (because everyone is scared to talk) saying “I can’t wait to read about this in your blog.”

5:34 – They just showed a cute video of the Manning brothers playing football in the backyard as children. Eli jacked up Peyton. More proof that Peyton Manning is a huge pussy.

5:38 – Dallas Clark warming up. I was making an observation, I meant to he is a small tight end. Instead I said he has a small, tight end. Awkward.

5:42 – Dan, Boomer, and Shannon are all picking the Colts. At least I think Shannon picked the Colts. He seems to be talking with his mouth full.

5:48 – Gloria Estefan and Cirque du Soliel? What in the hell is going on here? Are those referees humping giraffe? Performance art does not get me hyped for a football game. Where’s Hank Williams Jr. when you need him?

5:57 – The weirdest 9 minutes in Superbowl history just ended. Maybe scale back a little next year NFL. I know you’re world wide entity but you’re not infallible.

6:01 – I finally got rid of that piece of celery that’s been stuck in my teeth for the last hour! Now we’re ready for some football.

6:12 – Steve Tasker is the sideline reporter? I wish he still wore that awesome double helmet.

6:18 – Brief moment of silence for the tornado victims. Brent response to Lindsey admonishing him for still talking: “Where supposed to be quiet too, I thought it was just for the people there.”

6:19 – National Anthem. Official time: 1:31. For all of those who bet the under congratulations. And yes, you could bet the over/under on Billy Joel singing.

6:23 – The coin toss was heads. I win my first bet of the night. I like where this is going.

6:28 – Devin Hester returned the opening kick for a touchdown! I like where this is heading. Oh by the way Aaron was allowed to stay.

6:34 – The Colts just had 2 false starts then through an interception, which team is more nervous I wonder

6:56 – Bud Light comes through with the rock, paper, scissors commercial. They always bring it.

6:39 – I know it’s been beaten to death already but I really feel it’s a sad day for football when Rex Grossman is the starting quarterback in the Super Bowl.

6:42 – Don’t they have the Super Bowl in warm climates to avoid things like down pours effecting play?

6:48 – I’m know coach, but I think that if the Bears want to win this game they may want to start by actually covering Reggie Wayne.

6:50 – Bud Light you let me down with that auctioneer commercial. 1 for 2.

6:51 – Bears lose a fumble and the Colts lose another one right back to them. This is the Super Bowl right?

6:56 – A trailer for the movie Pride just aired, Dave say, “What is this, Stomp the Pool?”

7:00 – Bud Light is now 1 for 3 and losing to Sierra Mist. Is there really anyone who thinks Carlos Mencia is funny?

7:03 – Aaron Moorehead just dropped a pass, which is unfortunate because they zoomed in on his face, which is pretty scary. He’s Reche Caldwelllike.

7:05 – Another fumble.

7:11 – Tony Dungy just got wrecked on the sidelines by Mohamed and his facial expression still didn’t change.

7:12 – Hey there’s David Spade in a plastic poncho. Has he been huffing paint thinner?

7:22 – Manning looks so shaky anytime he gets the slightest amount of pressure. Once again, huge pussy.

7:26 – Is that a hint of Manning Face I detect on the bench. Bill Simmons just marked that in his notes.

7:30 - I’m starting to get tired of taking notes.

7:34 – That looked pretty easy. The Colts and Manning are starting to get it together. Meanwhile has said “botched snap” several times. Who doesn’t love that phrase?

7:45 – It’s the 2 minute warning and Peyton is eating up the Bears. Are there 2 bigger reality shows whores than Rob and Amber? Get a real job.

7:50 – Colts fumble. Aaaaaand the Bears give it right back.

7:53 – Did you guys that this is the first time a black head coach led a team to the Super Bowl and there are 2 of them? And it’s Black History Month?

7:56 – That is one of the most bizarre halves of football I ever seen. I can’t keep this up. Enjoy Prince!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Saturday Night

A note or two regarding Saturday night:

~ You know you’re doing something right when at the end of the night the waiter drops your check and says, “I’ve worked here for three years and this is the biggest check I’ve ever seen. And it’s mostly alcohol.” This is not the first time this has happened to us either. For example there was the infamous 55 pitcher night at JD’s. The thing is it’s not like we’re monumental drinkers or total booze hounds or anything. I’ve actually come to realize that our group just tends to roll deeper than normal people resulting in enormous tabs. It’s pretty safe to say that we have a minimum of 10 to 15 people every time we go out. It’s pretty awesome. I’m getting all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. You guys.

~ When you’re a little kid and don’t know what adults do when you’re not around it’s hard to imagine your teachers having social lives. Now I’ve come to realize that my super hot 4th grade teacher Ms. Daugherty wasn’t spending every night grading my math homework, she was probably getting after it somewhere (Side note: Ms. Daugherty was the first time I notices boobs, it’s nice to know that even at 7 years old I could recognize fantastic breasts, in retrospect it’s a mystery how I actually passed 4th grade). I came to this realization as one of our friends, the vice principal of a high school, was laying on the floor of a bar so that he could get a better angle to take pictures of people doing “shaky face.” Also when another girl, and elementary school teacher, drops the most f bombs I’ve ever heard in one sentence.

~ What is “shaky face” you ask? Well basically you shake your face back and forth as fast you can and someone takes a picture of to see who can capture the ugliest face. Kudos to Amanda for winning that award by the way. The key to shaky face is “loosening the jowls” as someone put it. It’s pretty easy (unless you’re Morgan who just couldn’t seem to get it) and quite comical if you’re hammered. Hopefully someone will email the pictures so that I can post them on the blog. There were some pretty unflattering photos resulting from this game.