Friday, March 02, 2007

God I Hate Birds

All morning I’ve been trying to come up with words to describe the bird that absolutely ruined my day and I don’t think I possess the skill to accurately portray my rage. The bird started whistling at around five this morning and went nonstop until I got out of bed. Suffice it to say this wasn’t just regular bird singing. You know the kind that reminds you of springtime and makes you all happy and ready to attack a day. No this was a full on mating call. I mean this bird was really putting the vibe out there. Let me try and break it down for you as best I can. It started with three incredibly shrill, high pitched whistles, the kind that make you want to want to jam a q-tip in your eardrum, followed a few seconds of this really annoying warble. Now take those steps and repeat over and over and over again and you have the perfect recipe for sending me on a murderous rampage. That bird is really lucky this was a weekday and I could escape the incessant noise by going to work. This is a warning though bird, if I hear that noise again tomorrow morning you’re dead. I have no idea how I would possibly kill a bird but I do know that you will rue the day you decided to set up shop and be a total asshole in the tree behind my house.

13 comments:

Rachel said...

The crazy thing is that there are people who actually purchase them and bring them into their home.
I haven't ever understood why someone would want to have a bird.
They annoy the shit out of me too.

Pauly D said...

I don't know why people look down on suburban bird shooters. I mean, if a homeless guy was hanging out in your tree, you'd shoot him -- right?

Birds are so much less important than homeless people.

David said...

I think you are a white conformist whore who hates all birds, and we should have a fist-fight just as soon as possible.

Amy said...

I had a similar relationship with a blue jay once.

Oh, and then there was the time I left the window open for the cat to come in and out during the night. She caught a crow, broke it's wing, and brought it to my bedroom door. It sat there crowing for quite some time before I got up the nerve to open my door. It's one thing to have a loud annoying bird wake you up from outside, quite another to have it wake you up from inside your house and have to remove it. And no, that bird did not live long after that experience.

Los said...

We've had those kinds of birds out in front of our house - I especially love the crows in the morning ... I so want to punch them all in the throats.

Jeamon said...

You could be like Pheobe's boyfriend, Gary, in that episode of Friends when he shoots the bird chirping outside the bedroom window. Ha! P.S. I just spent a bunch of minutes googleing this episode to find out what "Gary's" name was. Wikipedia came through. I also have too much time on my hands.

Tara said...

Birds sleep at night, right? So what you need to do is go out in the middle of the night and blare your car horn next to a tree. Sure you'll piss off neighbors, but you'll also wake up the annoying bird.

CATHERINETTE SINGLETON said...

The only thing worse than that is having to listen to a cat that's in heat. I hate cats.

Anonymous said...

There are fake bird whistle audio systems that are used to deter the homeless - it sounds real but in fact is annoying to keep the homeless away. Bird calls are pleasant but these can be programmed

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I want to marry you :)

Anonymous said...

I had the same problem a few years back. It happened for weeks on end. It drove me insane. I actually went to a sporting goods store, bought a pellet gun, brought it home, killed the bird, then returned the gun to the store so I could get my money back. Dirty dirty creatures that need to STFU.

Eric said...

Wow, a marriage proposal for hating birds. Pretty awesome.

Anonymous said...

I have 2 minor birds that have been annoying me for the last 2 years. These birds are territorial and keep shitting everywhere on our patio, making nests in our gutters during summer and squarking and my patience has run out. So its going to be a game of survival of the fittest here and i can assure you i will win. I will shoot or poison them and then shit on them. Bloody mongrels.