Wednesday, October 11, 2006

A How To Guide from Eric

I do a lot of dumb things. The majority of them very benign, but dumb none the less. I’m very absentminded, add that to just not be very smart overall, and you find yourself in odd situations. I have accrued much wisdom from being a dumbass (I know that sort of and oxymoron, a wise dumbass, but that’s me) and I feel as though it would be selfish of me not to pass some of it along, so I will. So without further ado:

How to take a shower without a shower curtain because you forgot to bring it when you moved

The first thing to take into account is that the curtain tends to close off the shower area from the rest of the bathroom, effectively trapping in heat. You won’t get this effect without it so turn the water up a little hotter than normal so you aren’t freezing your balls off. Secondly is the angle of the shower head. You’re going to have the urge to angle the shower head as far away from the open side as possible. Resist this urge; the ricochet from the wall will cause as many problems as anything else. You want to adjust the shower head so that it’s angled towards the middle to bottom half of the wall, that way any splash back is contained inside the tub. Next you want to stay out of the stream of water whenever possible, do all lathering out of harms way, the less splatter from the body the better. When do find that it’s time to get into the stream use your body as a buffer, keep yourself between the water and the rest of the bathroom. Put an extra towel or bathmat right up against the edge of the shower, picking up a wet towel is a lot easier than mopping up soapy water. I would also recommend moving any magazines you were reading whilst pooping away from the splash zone (unless it’s that issue of GQ with Josh Hartnett on the cover, he sucks and deserves to get wet, you’re probably a better actor than him anyway). Last but not least, have fun, take advantage of this opportunity, pee in the toilet from inside the shower as opposed to peeing in the shower like you normally do, admire your excellent physique in the bathroom mirror while lathering, go crazy, the world is your oyster, enjoy it.

8 comments:

Mike said...

I think I might take my shower curtain down before my next shower just so I can piss in the toilet while in the shower. That sounds like fun and I've added it to things that I want to do before I die. Seriously.

JW said...

mike, If you're going to piss on stuff in the bathroom while in the shower, piss on your roommate's toothbrush. IT WILL BE AWESOME

Morgan said...

I put your shower curtain in a bag and I meant to bring it to work today. I guess you'll have another day to practice your aim.

Ashburnite said...

haha...well, sounds like you have it down to a science

Los said...

See - this is why I enjoy blogging ... to learn new things.

Eric said...

Mike-isnt it great to have goals in life?

jw-you spend way to much energy hating that guy. i think you would have a much happier life if you were just the bigger person and stopped letting him bother you so much.

morgan-thanks i dont really need anymore practice, im pretty much awesome at it already

ash-indeed i do

los-i have a lot to teach, so soak it up

Steph said...

That is fifty kinds of wrong.
You HAVE to be a single guy living alone cos a woman would just go and buy a freakin shower curtain.

iceguy said...

That might be my favorite blog post of the last year. I especially liked the ending. "Have fun, and take advantage of the opporunity.

I am not so lucky as to be able to do this. My shower is a just a shower (no tub) so we've got glass walls on the outside.