Self(ish) Checkout

Can anyone tell me what the self checkout line at the grocery store is for? I mean, I know it's purpose, it just seems like now one else does. Mine impression has always been that one should use the self checkout when all the normal lines are long and all you have is 5 or 6 items with easily visible bar codes. Otherwise you go through a normal line. Is that crazy of me? I don't think so.

The other day I was at the Safeway, I need to make two purchases. I grabbed those two items and headed to self checkout. Seems like a pretty simple transaction right? Well there are for scanners in this section of the store. On this particular day one was broken, one was occupied by a young woman who clearly grasped the concept, and the other two were being used two total douche bags. The first was an older woman overflowing with groceries. Including at least 30 cans of cat food. How selfish an inconsiderate is that? Why would this woman possibly think she would be faster or more efficient than the 5-8 people whose job it is to scan and bag your massive cart of groceries? The other guy was even worse. He didn't have nearly as many things as the old woman but the only thing he had was fruit and vegetables. You know, as in items lacking a scan able bar code and therefore must be weighed and searched for on a menu to find the appropriate price. The type of menu that one would memorize had they say, worked there on a daily basis looking up fruits and vegetables on daily basis while helping others. I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that a cashier would have finished checking these two out at least 10 times faster than they could. Instead they have to be assholes and try and do it themselves. Do they have some sort of phobia and talking to strangers? Are they embarrassed other their groceries and don't want other people handling them? Are they germaphobes? Because of them the normally fast self checkout line ended up 7 or 8 people deep, all of whom had an appropriate amount of products for the line, and all of whom were able to check out on the one available computer before these idiots finished.

It's little things like that that really drive me crazy. It's kind of hard to have hope for the future of America when so many people are so stupid.

Joblessness

I had 4 friends yesterday mention something about my lack of blogging lately. Apparently the masses are clamoring for an update on my life. Which is understandable because I lead a super exciting life. I'm like Jason Bourne. Or something. So let's see, let's see. What is new in my life. Ooh I know, I lost my job last week. That's a new development, I am now unemployed. In the midst of an "economic crisis". So that's cool.

I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I should be upset by this. Mostly because every time I mention it to someone they express some kind of condolences. I'm really not though. I guess I'm a little worried about what's going to happen next, but I hated my job. The only reason I hadn't left earlier is because it was comfortable and really who has motivation to leave a comfortable, easy situation. That's a rare trait that I don't possess. So really getting laid off is sort of like my former company saying, hey Eric, here's a hefty severance, why don't you take the rest of the summer off and then find a more enjoyable job that probably pays better. Well don't mind if I do.

So, yeah, if you need me you probably find me by the pool enjoying an adult beverage. Although, if you have any job offers feel free to interrupt.

Spin Around Ninjas

You would think by now I would have learned the wisdom of giving myself an extra day to fully recover from a vacation, but I have not. When you’ve spent almost a week trying to rationalize quitting your career to move to the beach be a bartender (my 401k is losing money anyways, who needs it, and health insurance just seems superfluous, I haven’t been sick in years) the last thing you want to do is go back to work. The only thing that could make it worse is if you’re totally exhausted upon your return to work because you’ve only been back from vacation for a few hours. In the future I will try and remember to schedule that extra day to get re-acclimated to not hearing the waves crashing on the shore while napping in the sand.

The point being, I could write a fun post recapping and enjoyable long weekend at the beach, instead I’m going to stare at my cubicle wall and try to stay awake for the remaining 6 or 7 hours of the day. What I will do is post my favorite YouTube clip ever. A friend of mine showed me this a few weeks ago and my life hasn’t been the same since. Really nothing makes me happier than this, and if you like it chances are I like you:

Michael and Me*

Since I’m nothing if not timely I thought I’d write a little something about how Michael Jackson molded my life, indirectly. This isn’t really a tribute to the man, let’s face it there have been more than enough of those in the last four days, and they were all done better than anything I’d be putting out there. Not to mention there are more than a few people who question whether he was worthy of tribute or not. This is just a story I’m reminded of by his passing.

If you grew up in the 80’s chances are you were a Michael Jackson fan. I loved Michael Jackson, to this day Human Nature and The Way You Make Me Feel are two of my favorite songs. In 1987 Bad was the first tape I ever bought and I probably played it a thousand times in the next 4 or 5 years. I could listen to Wanna Be Starting Something over and over again and not get bored with it**. Seriously, I loved Michael Jackson.

One summer when I was 6 or 7 years old I was playing in the front yard with the radio blaring. Billie Jean came on and I guess I was inspired. I broke into a full on lip synched MJ performance. I’m not really sure why I was showing off the way I was, probably because Deanna and Candy (the two girls from down the street) were there, I can’t really remember but I was tearing it up. I was on the hood of the car doing my best impression of the dance moves from that iconic video. I was using the car antenna as a microphone when I snapped it clean off. Uh oh. This was not good.

My parents were never ones to tolerate stupidity. And seeing as I grew up (to put it mildly) dirt poor, they especially didn’t tolerate stupidity that involved them having to spend money unnecessarily. Needless to say when my mom saw that I had broken the antenna off of the car doing a Michael Jackson impersonation she was pissed. I should mention that my mom was also pretty liberal with the corporal punishment. It was the mid 80’s, it was still ok to beat your kids back then and my mom took advantage of that fact. When you’re doing something that you’re pretty sure is going to result in a whipping if you’re caught you know what you do not want to do? You don’t want to create a weapon that makes the beating process more efficient and painful. Like, I don’t know, maybe a long metal rod the size and shape of a car antenna.

My mom uncorked the beating off a lifetime on me. It was hellacious. The kind of beating that resonates, sticks with you for a very long time. She wacked the hell of me with that antenna. My ass still hurts a little when I hear Billie Jean***.

It’s impossible to predict what events, large or small, will shape you into the person you become. But I can say this; I’ve never been in trouble. Ever. Sure I’ve done a lot of dumb things, but I’ve never been in trouble. Here is the worst trouble I ever got into in school: In fourth grade we had a girl in our class with a pretty severe learning disability. One day everyone was making fun of her because, well, fourth graders are little assholes. My teacher Mrs. Daugherty had to call my mom to tell her she was concerned about me. Not because I was making fun a girl with a learning disability, but because everyone else in class was and I wasn’t defending her. My teacher thought that was out of character for me and wanted to call home to make sure everything was ok. So to same I’ve been somewhat straight laced might be an understatement.

Was that a result of the thrashing I took one summer when I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm for Billie Jean? I don’t know, but I think it played a big part. And for that I can thank my crazy ass mom, and Michael Jackson for being awesome.



*Isn't that title kind of creepy in light of certain allegations? I kind of love it.

**Obviously there was a ton of Michael Jackson music on the radio, television, and at every bar I went to this weekend. It gotten me thinking, why did the guy have to die for people to start playing his music more often, it's the best it should always be played.

***Save your jokes please.

J. Crew Thinks I'm an Idiot (and I frequently prove them right)

- This morning I got an email from J. Crew, like I do every Monday morning, promoting a 20% off sale between now and Wednesday. The sales vary, sometimes it’s free shipping on $150 or more, sometimes it’s 20% off all sales items, sometimes it’s just 20% off all items, but there is almost always a sale at the beginning of the week. Sometimes I need to buy something so I take advantage of this, more often than not I don’t. The subject of this mornings email though was:

PRIVATE SALE (it's super top-secret)

Holy shit, a super top secret sale of 20% of purchases of $175 or more, and did I mention its top secret! Which means only anyone who has ever purchased something from J Crew online or in stores is privy to this inside information! Really J Crew? Really? Does anyone ever fall for a marketing tactic like this? Does some perceived idea of exclusivity really make people shell out a couple hundred dollars they weren’t planning on spending? Especially when they never isn’t a sale (except on holidays when people buy things)? Nice try J Crew, but I’m not falling for it.


- So our building has a company in testing elevator safety today, which I guess is a good thing. But do you know how they test this? By dropping the elevator down to activate some sort of emergency catch system. Every half an hour or so an elevator goes thundering down the shaft creating a huge crashing noise and shaking the whole building. They couldn’t maybe, I don’t know, do this on a weekend so there aren’t a few hundred people riding the elevators later this afternoon pissing themselves thinking about how might not have reattached whatever needs to be reattached for them to not send me to a fiery death? Would that have been to much to ask?


- As mentioned many times before on this blog I suffer from an affliction called Being a Redhead. With that comes the subsequent pasty, freckled skin. So why, oh why, would I sit in a baseball stadium under the blazing sun for over 4 hours without sunscreen? After 28 years of having red hair, and the incredible sunburns that go along with it, how have I not learned this lesson? A coworker commented earlier about how hot it was in the office today and I had apologize because I’m fairly certain that the heat emanating from the back of my neck overwhelmed the air conditioner and shut it down.

Oh Baltimore...

Without intending to I sort created a theme with my blog posts for this week. That theme? Baltimore kind of sucks. I got an email from a friend a few days ago the dovetails quite nicely, I'll share it with you:

Only in Baltimore...


Got home tonight and there's a drunk passed out on my neighbor's steps, and nobody knows him. So my neighbor calls 311 to have the police come get him.


Well, when the cop pulls up, there are three people walking down the alley with open 40's. And no paper bags. Literally right as the cop pulls up.


So we pointed the cop a couple of doors down to the drunk on the steps. The cop runs him off, and goes back to writing citations for the three drunks from the alley. He asks one for ID, and the guy reaches into his pocket an pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the cop.


Yeah, it's his processing papers from being released from the Balt city detention center this morning.


Seriously, where else in America?

I don't really have anything to add. That pretty much speaks for itself. I will say though I think I'm going to end the negativity with this post, Baltimore has a bad enough reputation, they don't need my help. And it really isn't that bad, maybe next week I'll have Baltimore Is Awesome! week and highlight some good things. Probably not though.

Poop

I grew up with a lot of animals; there were countless combinations of cats, dogs, hamsters, and fish throughout the years. Once we even found a giant parrot perched on our gutter and had it for like a week until we found the owner. I mention this to say that I have a lot of experience with the bodily fluids of pets. I’ve walked through a puddle of cat piss on my way to the bathroom in the morning. I’ve been tackled into a pile of dog poop while playing football in the yard. I’ve had a lot of disgusting things happen to me in regards to animal urine and feces.

I also grew up at the beach. If you haven’t been shit on by a seagull then you haven’t spent enough time near the ocean.

The point is I have experience with a lot of disgusting stuff and with experience comes a certain tolerance. This morning though I narrowly averted what would have been the most vile, revolting thing of my life.

The route from my parking garage to the office in the morning is like the perfect storm for bums. There’s the Goodwill headquarters which has a soup kitchen, the longest, creepiest alley in the city, and there’s always steam rising from the gutters so the sidewalk is like 15 degrees warmer than anywhere else in the city at night. I know if I was homeless that’s where I’d post up. As such I routinely have to tiptoe around a few dudes still enjoying their beauty rest on the sidewalk.

This morning though, I noticed no homeless people. So I’m sauntering along and I glance down just as my right foot plants on the sidewalk centimeters from a giant, soft, messy turd. It was repulsive, and I thought to myself, “It’s really an asshole move to not pick up after your dog.” Then I got a better look and noticed that this definitely did not come from a dog. It was most certainly human poop. Let me repeat that: HUMAN POOP! In the middle of the fucking sidewalk! And I nearly stepped in it. The breeze from my walking probably stirred up poo particles that are now on my shoe.

I know what you’re thinking, how can you even be sure it was man poop. Well, I’m no poopoligist or anything, but that was a rather large piece of shit and last I checked there are no bears, or moose, or any other large wild animals roaming the sidewalks of downtown Baltimore. Well there is the occasional cougar but I doubt they ever poop on the sidewalk (www.instantrimshot.com).

When I finally stopped dry heaving I got to thinking about things. At what point does one reach the level of depravity where they’re just popping a squat and letting fly in the middle of the sidewalk? I mean, assuming it’s late and nothing with a bathroom is open, couldn’t you find a park with some bushes or at least go in the conveniently placed alley that you were less than ten feet away from? I figure you have to be pretty messed up to go on the sidewalk. Then I started to feel bad for the rogue shitter. Things can’t be going very well for him if he’s been reduced this level. But still, clean up your shit dude, I don’t want to step in that.

A Word of Advice...

This morning I started following a Baltimore crime watch on Twitter. Good lord what a mistake that was. If you live in the city do not do this. Within an hour of following them I learned that 2 woman were the victims of "serious aggravated assault (cutting)" on the 2600 block of Madison Avenue, a man was shot in the leg on the 1000 block of Comet Street, and the was a "suspicious death" on the 1900 block of Mosher Street.

To recap: that's two stabbings, a shooting, and a mystery death. Today.

If I don't unfollow this page soon I'm going to end up locked in the corner of my bedroom, rocking back and forth in the fetal position holding a baseball bat, with a little pee dribbling out every time I here a noise.


********UDPATE********

Baltimore: We're awesome at murdering

Things I Think About...

Here are some things I thought about today:

-- You know how you know when it’s springtime in Baltimore? When the entire city smells like rotting fish after a storm. I don’t know what causes it but I do that rain stirs up some of the foulest smelling shit you can imagine. It makes being outside somewhat unpleasant.

-- I had lunch at 5 Guys today. If you’ve ever been there you know how they handle their ordering system, you order, you get a number, when your order is ready, they call that number. Pretty simple right? You also know that they only make one thing: cheeseburgers. Which makes the process even more simple. So can someone please explain to me how they get up to order number 72 before making my order, number 58? How is that even possible? How do 14 people get there order before mine? I know what they ordered, cheeseburgers. So how the f could my cheeseburger possibly take 20 minutes longer to make then the cheeseburger ordered directly before and after me? I’m not a mathematician, and I’ve never worked in the food service industry, but something tells me you have to have a whole team of idiots working the kitchen to get things that screwed up.

-- Is it acceptable to wear hideous shoes if it’s for a good cause? For every purchase made Tom’s Shoes gives a pair to a needy child in some third world country. I know; that’s awesome right? Here’s the problem: they really are pretty awful. I sort of hate them but at the same time I kind of love them. And really, if anyone can make it work I can so maybe I’ll just get some. Plus I’ll feel good about myself when I wear them knowing that some little kid out there is wearing ugly shoes also because of me.

That is all, have a nice day. And if you’re in Baltimore don’t breathe to deeply.

He's on Fire...

I just now realized that it has been two and a half weeks since I lasted posted anything on the blog. I didn’t even notice this, sorry about that. I have a good excuse though, its springtime. There’s been too much roof deck, and pool, and happy hour, and baseball games. To blog means I would have to come inside and not enjoy the beautiful weather. Although that is slightly counterintuitive, a more active lifestyle leads to less blogging. You’d think it would be the other way around. Anyway, to make it up to you I’ve decide to regale you with a story about how badass I am.

Over the weekend I got in an argument with some friends. The general thesis of the argument being that baseball is a more difficult sport to play than basketball. Obviously I was on the side of baseball. The argument became mildly heated (not heated in the, we’re about to come to blows sense, but heated in the, we’re talking way too loud in the bar sense. Because I mean really who gets in fights) for several reasons. The first be because we were drunk, which is a given, does anyone really argue about these types of things sober? Because we were drunk there was no resolution to argument simply because we were disputing two separate points. I was arguing that there is more skill involved in hitting and fielding a baseball and they were arguing that basketball players are more athletic, which was not the point of the disagreement. The main gist of the argument was that I was clearly right, and they were clearly wrong, but refused to accept this fact. I find this to be pretty common in arguments that I’m in, I’m always right and no one will just acknowledge that. And that is why my arguments never die, because f that, I refuse to lose, especially when I’m right. Which is most of the time.

The fight raged on until they bet me $100 that I couldn’t make 25 out of 100 three pointers. Bear in mind that I haven’t played basketball in years, and shooting a basketball is not at all like riding a bike. It’s one of those things that, the more you shoot, the better you are, but like I said, I don’t like to lose an argument so I had no choice but to take the bet.

The saying goes that there are only two certainties in life, but I’m adding a third one: death, taxes, and I’m awesome. I won with 30 shots to spare thus proving my point that basketball is easier. Here is the question though, I need to gloat, what can I buy with their $100 that will sufficiently taunt them?

Twitter is ruining my storytelling ability...

Homeless guy threatened to kill me for smiling and then a dog tried bite me.

What fuck is happening today?

Dogs usually love me. And homeless people. I'm disturbed.

Thats all I got.

Save Gate 2

I don't really talk much about sports on this blog. Mainly because the majority of my life is consumed with sports so it's nice to not have it invade everything I do. And I also believe, as I've mentioned before I'm sure, that there a lot of people who do it better than myself*. I have mention though that I am a Yankees fan (commence hating me..... now). As such I obviously have an opinion on the new stadium**, which I won't get into because it's there are just to many layers and I'm far to lazy to spend the time it take to make that post coherent.

I just want to mention that I think this is a really cool idea and I hope they can make it happen. Seeing as I'm the type that watches a movie like Saving Private Ryan and thinks more about what a tragedy it is that all of those old buildings in France were destroyed than the war going on I think it's safe to say I like the idea of preserving history. I also love monuments, no matter what they are commemorating. Who doesn't.

I can already hear the complaints about the Yankees and New York City using even more tax payer money to preserve part of a stadium that shouldn't have been torn down in the first place, but f that, in 10 years those same people will be talking about how nice it is to have an attractive element making a nice park so distinct in one of the shittiest neighborhoods in America.



*Not many though, actually writing about sports is right in my wheelhouse and I'm probably better at that than anything else I do, but whatever, I don't want a sports blog.

**I don't like, but I'll reserve full judgement until I actually go there in July.

Hola

Remember that post I wrote a few weeks ago about St. Patricks day? The one that drew a small bit of ire?

Well ditto for Cinco de Mayo.

FU May

This is bullshit May, get it together.



www.nataliedee.com

Nature

Since the weather in the Greater Baltimore Area was so glorious this weekend I did a little bit of hiking. I went to a local state park that I did not know existed until Saturday. I climbed a few rocks. Took in the majesty of a waterfall or two. Perhaps I waded through the rapids of a stream. You know, nature stuff.

While walking on a particularly woodsy trail I came across a family. Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter, Grandma, and Friend of Daughter. Oh, and there was a cockapoo loving life chasing squirrels and such. I thought, how delightful, I like to see a family bonding together through glorious scenery. Upon further inspection I noticed that the Dad had a garbage bag. And the two little girls were running around picking up old cases of beer and soda cans and whatever else happened to be lying around. I was stunned. Who does that? An entire family gave up there Saturday to clean up the park.

It makes me happy to know that there are better people than myself doing good deeds. Cause God knows that’s a little too much to ask of me.

Ninjas

No, no, no, you’re doing it all wrong.

First of all, I’m pretty sure a ninja would not rob a convenience store; they’re a little too cunning for petty theft. Plus I’m pretty sure they’re purpose is assassinations, not robbing a gas station for $60. Secondly, it defeats the entire purpose of being a ninja if you’re just going to take your mask off. They wear masks for a reason, it’s called stealth dumbass. And a ninja wouldn’t run from the police, they would just blend into the potato chip aisle and become invisible (although a real ninja wouldn’t have to run from the police, they never would have been seen in the first place, remember the whole stealth thing). Lastly, ninjas don’t ask for anything, they just kill people and take it, get right idiot.

This guy clearly flunked out of ninja school after like two weeks. Maybe he needs to do a little more ninja research.

Seriously though, how awesome is this guy? I can just imagine his thought process:

“Bro, I’m totally out of crystal meth and I don’t have any money or a job. What am I going to do? (Light bulb flashes over head) I know, ninjas are awesome and everyone is scared of them right? I’ll dress in all black and take my samurai sword to the dry cleaners and they’ll just hand over the cash. Bro, I am wicked smaaaaaaaaaht.”

This is sort of like dressing up in your Darth Vader costume and tried to hold up a McDonalds with a toy light saber.

Nice Try Virus

I never get sick. I really can’t remember the last time I had even a minor illness. I mean, I have a terrible memory so it could have been a few months ago, but I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure it’s been a few years. It’s a fact I like to gloat about often.* My roommate is the complete opposite, he’s always sick, and I rub his face in it whenever possible.

In early February I went skiing with a bunch of people one of whom had some sort of virus that spread to almost everyone there. Everyone but me. These are the instances that validate my awesomeness at not getting sick. And again I took that as an opportunity to revel in my own glory.

That is why I was so thrown off yesterday morning when I woke up with the worst sore throat ever. I’m mildly certain that someone took a cheese grater to my vocal chords. Then I started to get achy throughout the day. I thought it might have been a chink in the armor. Was I actually going to have to take some sort of over the counter medicine? I never take medication, it invalidates my whole existence. I decided to ride it out for a night and see how I felt in the morning. And you’ll be happy to know that I feel totally better. You can stop panicking and return to your normal lives. My immune system is a total badass.






*Like how I can start the first 5 sentences of a paragraph with the letter I. I never cease to amaze myself.

Arrrgh?

There is a pirate festival in Fells Point this weekend. Would it be too racist if I dressed up in black face and went as a Somali pirate?

Trying Times

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. Have you ever just had one of those days that you can barely handle because it’s so full of misery and sorrow? It doesn’t happen to me very often but yesterday was one of those days. I was only just holding back tears most of the afternoon.

It all started when I watched a video of Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent. If you don’t get a little misty watching that then you might want to check for a soul, because I don’t think you have one. That crazy ass lady has the voice of an angel.

Then I got home from work and Rudy was on TV. I’m pretty certain that over the last decade I’ve dealt with more anguish over this movie than any of my relationships combined. “Who’s the wild man now?” It gets me every time.

As if that wasn’t enough during a commercial break in Rudy they aired one of those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan. How can you not get choked up by all those dogs and cats with the missing limbs and the crusty eyes? It’s just a lot to take.

On top of all that the Yankees got beat so bad an outfielder had to pitch. Way to pile it on God.

I’m actually pretty shocked I was able to get out of bed today. Clearly I have a lot more inner strength than I thought.

A List

In the engineering world we sometimes use weird phrases. Without further ado:

A Brief List of Terms I’ve Heard Around the Office That Can Be Construed as Vaguely and/or Blatantly Sexual:


-Load rating
-Erection
-Con Box
-Jack Off
-Reverse Cowgirl*



*That one wasn’t work related.