Friday, June 08, 2007

For the record: Bananas and Patrick Swayze do not mix well

Despite the title of this blog I haven't been thinking of much lately. I decided the best way to not let the blog die entirely it might be time for my very first guest post. Take itaway Pat:

I recently had knee surgery and for the past two weeks, I have been crutching around with a full length leg brace on. It is amazing how many people ask “wow what did you do to your knee?!” I usually try to come up with a response that makes me seem extremely masculine, adventurous, or my most favorite “the star athlete in my prime”. After weeks of lying, it is time I come clean with the truth.

It all began Halloween of 2005. I was living in New York at the time, and decided to spend a weekend in LA and attend a USC Homecoming football game. Since this coincided with Halloween, I made plans to meet up with my old roommate from college, hot metal, who was at the time living north of LA. Things were working out extremely well. Hot Metal, Dad Metal (one of hot metals buddies) and I met up as the sun was beginning to set. We each pounded a couple 40’s and got our Halloween costumes ready. These costumes came under much debate and deliberation and were not chosen lightly. Originally we thought it would be great to go as a group of penguins, we thought what ladies don’t like a fuzzy penguin. Obviously everyone else had that idea and the store was sold out. Next we thought it would be great to go as a group of giant hands and walk around “giving high fives” and throwing “giant gang signs.” That idea was quickly canned due to the lack of craftsmanship of these giant hands. Our final idea dawned on us like an epiphany. We could be a “bunch of bananas!” Brilliant! We donned our yellow uniforms and made our way to meet up with the rest of the group to begin our night.

We started at the Brass Monkey…a splendid little Karaoke bar in Korea Town, Los Angeles. Hot Metal made his way to the KJ (karaoke Jockey) booth, gave the guy a 20 and a nod, then wrote down our first request of the night “Shes like the Wind, by Patrick Swayzee. You may be most familiar with this song through its class debut in Dirty Dancing. I made a V-line to the booth…high fived the guy, gave him a 20, then began to write down our second hit classic “Escape” by Enrique Englasias. Obviously since we were such kick ass looking dudes, we were called right up to the stage.

The 3 part act began awesomely as always. In fact it was glorious as you can see from this photo

Until this lovely lady in the front row caught my eye. I sang and danced my way to her. “Feel the breath of her face…her body close to me” I was bending backwards…feeling it….she was feeling it…
Then POP!
My knee buckled and I feel to the floor. I wasn’t going to let a little slip and her laughing in my face stop this performance though. I got right back up and finished the song singing to another lady (not as lovely, but lady #1 was definitely jealous)
I started to feel the pain towards the end of the song…hobbled over to the table as the crowd cheered and panties were thrown onto the stage…and sat down nursing my knee. I was ready to go home…after 15 mins of healing my leg…I hear “LETS HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BANANAS…o man…I suck it up and hobble my way up for the conclusion…I am no Brittney Spears canceling my show due to health issues…I am a performer!

I finish my night with “Escape” then leave the stage in a shopping cart one of my buddies found. My buddy nick pushed my all the way home…trying to stop in each bar we passed, only to hear that Korea Town bars don’t like bananas in shopping carts. The other bananas went in the other direction to go bowling.

After I get home I noticed my knee is swollen to twice its size so I take 6 asprin and put ice on it. I lay in the bed…then a call comes in. “Hot Metal is locked in a bowling alley, it closed with him still in the bathroom! What do we do?!?!” They end up finding one of the workers going to his car, have him open the door, and he yells in a Spanish accent “BANANA….WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!?” Hot Metal came sprinting out and they made their way home.

When Hot Metal walks in the door, the D-Bag he can be sprints, and does a pile driver on my knee…doing the ultimate damage. As eyes start to fall asleep…I proclaim “I hate you Hot Metal” and hear the girl he was sleeping next to proclaim “NO TOUCHING!!”

Being on crutches for 3 weeks with a bum knee made that evening memorable!!

I then began to have severe problems with my knee, My knee kept buckling on me and I kept being placed on crutches. Each time was more humiliating than the last. From playing paddle ball with my girlfriends dad on the beach, to walking at work and bending to pick up a sheet of fallen paper, I was a broken man.

I finally had surgery where they removed a piece of chipped bone from my kneecap and gave me a dead guy’s ligament to replace my torn one.

I cant wait to sing Karaoke once more!

Ed. Note: This is likely to be my most popular post ever.


JW said...

I've concluded drinking is bad for your knees. My mom injured her knee from slipping off a barstool at the bowling league afterparty they had every week. She had to get surgery a few years later.

shit, there's another reason I'm WT.

Anthony said...

Pat's not like you should not expect Hot Metal to act like that . You are collateral damage to him. BTW...if you want to sue him, I can help

Los said...

Now THAT was funny! I tour my ACL in college ... I don't remember exactly how. It wasn't a complete tear, so the knee didn't hurt, unless I made a quick turn ... then it would just give out, swell up, and cause excruciating pain for about 10 minutes ... ok, I'm boring you, aren't I?

mike said...

I wish my knee surgery had that back story... did you get the shopping cart from Canonball?

pat said...

Thanks for posting this for me and allowing me to get it off my chest....
Take Hot Metal to court? Last time we went to court (eric you decided to not show up to your hearing) was when we wrongfully "squirted" someone in a super soaker battle. We all know the outcome of that case...Win for us...Dagger for Vince and him not showing up...and Props for Brian being out "attorney" with his briefcase of saltines.
If i had cannonballs phone number i would be calling him all the time and he would have been the one pushing me home.

Eric said...

jw - the reasons just keep piling up don't they?

anthony - You're right, Hotmetal is a loose cannon, you want to try and avoid his path of destruction

los - no, no, that's a fascinating anecdote

mike - remember cannonballs sweatpants? Or am I thinking of someone else?

pat - We really did make a complete mockery of the CUA displinary system didn't we? I wish I knew what Vince is up to these days. And Wolf.

mike said...

Nope, you're right Cannonball was a sweatpants addict, but he did class them up from time to time by pairing them with a blazer.