Stupid Responsibility

This whole “working at work” thing is really daggering my ability to blog. I generally never work more than 5 or 6 hours of my 8 hour work day. This leaves me plenty of time to produce my usual hilariousness. Apparently I now I have “deadlines to meet” and I’m expected to “work hard.” My boss clearly has no appreciation for the fact that there are literally tens of people who depend on me to kill three minutes of there work day with this crap that I write. I find this to be terribly insensitive, but it is probably not a great idea that I express these feeling to him because, while I don’t enjoy paying rent it’s pretty cold outside these days so it’s a necessary evil. And you’re probably thinking to yourself; can’t he just wait until he gets home to write? The answer to that is no, I have a TV at home. Am I really expected to be able to keep up with Heidi and Audrina drama or watch reruns of Scrubs and maintain a blog. That is just too much to ask; now you’re the one being insensitive. So yeah, deadlines looming, working hard, I should be back on track shortly.

I'll bet you $5 I don't have a gambling problem

There are two things in life that I really love. Actually there are a lot of things in life that I really love, like drinking outside, and sausage, and staying in bed until 2 p.m. on a Saturday. But two things that are near the top of the list of things that I really love are sports and gambling. Conveniently enough combining the two gives you a third thing I really love, gambling on sports. It just makes everything completely riveting to me. For that reason I tend to slant my bets towards televised sporting events. You could take any boring NBA game and throw a few dollars down and I’m captivated. It really makes a boring night at home with nothing to do much more exciting. You should try this experiment: bet the over on a random college basketball game tonight, watch it on TV, and then try and not be on the edge of your seat for every shot hoisted. Well actually not tonight because 24 is on. I wonder if I can bet on how many people Jack Bauer is going to kill?

Now I know what you’re thinking. Does Eric maybe have a little bit of a gambling problem? The answer to that is no. Ok, the answer to that is possibly but probably not. I rarely lose much money, and everyone knows gambling is only a problem if you lose. Just kidding. Sort of. I also don’t wager more than a few dollars on any game. I don’t so much gamble to make money as I do it to take some mundane game I don’t care about and make it more exciting to watch. A game becomes much more stirring when you have something riding on it, even if it’s only $5 or $10. Although there are urges that need to be controlled. For example, sometimes you’re looking at the lines and you see that a team that is in first place in a conference is playing a 0-19 team and the line is only -2. When things like this happen (which is totally insane by the way) you’re going to have the urge to deposit your entire bank account into your online gambling account to bet on that game, resist that urge. Even though you should have because, shocker, Loyola won by 10 and you would’ve made a ton of money on something that was an absolute lock. All right I probably just exhibited about 8 of the 20 signs one might be addicted to gambling, but whatever. I actually haven’t bet on anything in about 8 months, which is a long time. If you can go through an entire NFL season (the pinnacle of sports gambling) without betting on a game I think it’s safe to say you’re in the clear.

I did however, put a few dollars into the account on Thursday, and let me tell you, it has been good. Just a few bets here and there and I’ve more than quadrupled that account this week. That was really all just a warm up though, because in less than a week is the Holy Grail of sports betting: the Super Bowl. You can bet on anything for the Super Bowl. Who will score first, how many yards will Peyton Manning have, what will the halftime score be, over/under on Bernard Berrian catches. You name it, it can be wagered on. It’s great. With those kinds of stakes you will be totally engrossed from the opening coin toss. Mostly because you can bet on the coin toss. I think I’ll take heads this year.

Why can't I feel my ears?

I thought it seemed a little chilly out this morning.

SOTU

I got a phone call from Leslie during the State of the Union last night. I was watching it with the sound down most of the time and was hoping someone can answers a few questions for me.

Soooo, how are we doing in Iraq? And what's up with Iran and Syria?

Did he mention the troop surge?

How come only half the crowd was standing up during a lot of those ovations?

Why did Nancy Pelosi look so scary/intense?

What is the point of actually attending the speech if you are just going to be reading along with the President? I seriously thought Ted Kennedy was asleep.

Did I hear something about taxing medical benefits? That can't be right.

What the hell was Dikembe Mutumbo doing there?

And did they purposely sit a 7'-0" african dude next to the smallest asian women possible just for comedies sake? If so kudos.

Is God continuing to bless America or what?

PLEASE tell me someone else saw W "accidently" graze Nancy Pelosi's boob after he finished his speech.

Why did so many people want W's autograph at after it was over? Did he totally nail it or what?

Were the President and Jesse Jackson Jr. joking or around or am I the only one who thought it looked like they were about to throw down?

What's the deal with Jim Webb's voice? He's frightening.

Writings Not So Hard

Everyday I get an email from Doctor Dictionary with my dictionary.com word of the day. While reading this blog you have no doubt marveled at my remarkable vocabulary. Now you know where it comes from. Well that and the synonym button in Word (incidentally synonym has no synonym, weird). Along with the definitions for the word of the day you’re given example sentences from various works of literature in which said word is used. The sentences always crack me up for some reason. Out of context they are very strange sentences. Lately I started to wonder if there was any sort of theme to the word of the day. How does a word make the cut and are they in anyway related? So I tried to create a story using only the example sentences from the last week or so and my amazing cutting and pasting ability. Here’s what I got (Note: word of the day in bold print):


Such independence of mind was a revelation and an incitement. It promised a counterweight to a supine tendency to follow socially sanctioned practices and ideas. She summed up the long and complex sessions in an hour's extemporaneous speech that was remarkable for its organization, pithiness and coherence. The nitpickers, the whiners, the pettifoggers are everywhere. She was tired of their disapproval, the silent censure, their eagerness always to assume the worst.

In a night of rain, the ruddy reflections of their lights incarnadine the clouds till the entire city appears to be the prey of a monster conflagration. We are living in the time of the parenthesis, a great and yeasty time, he concluded. "Make uncertainty your friend." The Grand Vizier Kuprili of Constantinople, for example, closed the city's coffeehouses. Anyone caught drinking coffee was soundly cudgeled. Egypt, like many countries, was caught up in the eddies of the Great Depression, which overtook Europe and America and which came in Egypt just as the new graduates of the expanded schooling were entering the workforce, looking for the professional opportunities their education had promised.


Quite good wouldn’t you agree? I mean, there is no discernible plot, but still, it sounds like it should make sense. I will admit though that things got a bit out of control once The Grand Vizier of Constantinople broke out his cudgel, but I can’t really think of a better word to describe the Great Depression and its effect on the workforce of Egypt than yeasty.

Just Because

Dave is complaining about the fact that I haven't posted anything today because he is bored at work. I tried telling him that I didn't really have anything good to write about. It was a relatively quiet weekend and I doubt anyone wants to read about my trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. He also called me a pussy for never writing about sports. So in order to entertain Dave and not be a pussy I'm going to give my opinion on all of today's top stories on ESPN.com without actually reading any of the stories. I think just reading the headlines should tell me all I need to know to allow me to form an opinion that I can share with you all.

Tomlin becomes Steelers' first black head coach

I think the Steelers have had three head coaches in team history, so duh, of course he's the first black head coach. Is this really such huge news that it's the top story on the website, I mean both superbowl teams are coached by black dudes. Also I don't think it would be a big story considering teams get fined if they don't interview minority candidates. I believe the goal of that is to give more opportunites, and create racial equality, so wouldn't you think that putting in the headline is counter productive to that goal. Everything being equal the headline should just read "Tomlin hired to replace Cowher."

Blake out; Nadal goes on

This one must be aimed at James Blake's mom, because I doubt anyone in America cares about tennis anymore unless it's a sportswriter writing another article admonishing us for not loving Roger Federer enough.

Hingis-Clijsters rematch

Rematch from when, 1999? If it doesn't involve Maria Sharapova I think I'll pass

Tyson pleads not guilty to drug, DUI charges

There is nothing that can be said about the trainwreck that is Mike Tyson that hasn't already been said. What I wonder is, how do you plead not guilty to DUI charges, isn't the evidence usually pretty overwhelming to even be charged with that? Are you going to use the "breathelizer was inaccurate" defense?

Yow to return to NC State after cancer treatment

It's always great when someone beats cancer, but who is this Yow and what exactly do they do at NC State?

Vick cleared; lab tests find no evidence of drugs

Maybe he got cleared this time but Ron Mexico definitely still smokes a lot of weed.

Cut to the Chase: Phils give Utley $85M extension

My first thought was, holy shit a general manager did something right. You have a young, rising superstar, who plays a position where offense production is scarce and you lock him up for a long time for a very reasonable $12 million a year. When bums like Gil Meche are getting $11 million a year this seems like a great deal. Then I found out that Utley is actually 28 years old, it stands to reason that he doesn't have that many great years ahead of him and he will be past his prime by the end of this contract. Maybe you should've made it a 4 year extension Phillies. This did remind me of the time Amanda mispronounced him name and called him Trace Ugly, which is still funny.

Joseph is ninth Bengal arrested in last nine months

You've got to be kidding me. You have the easiest life in the world. Sure you risk serious injury playing football, but your job is to play football. How hard is it to be greatful of the life you have and stop fucking up? Man that pisses me off.

Sometimes I'm Just Angry

Here are a few things that annoyed me yesterday:

1. Get serious here God. I mean high of 70 on Monday and a high of 38 on Wednesday. That’s 32 degrees in two days. I know you’re pissed because republicans hate the environment and all but this is ridiculous. Why are you taking it out on me? It’s not like I mind the cold, I would just like a little consistency is all.

2. As a result of the crazy temperature change I was forced to wear gloves yesterday. Did you know that you cannot raise the volume on an iPod while wearing gloves? Me either. So now I have to go gloveless when its like 24 degrees outside just so I can listen to Kenny Loggins at the appropriate (see: loud) level.

3. I saw a guy wearing shorts yesterday. I’m not sure why this was annoying it just was. I mean, it’s your life an all guy but what are you trying to prove. I don’t think you’re a badass because you’re wearing shorts in sub freezing temperatures, I think you’re an idiot.

4. My dryer sucks. I had to run it 4 times before my clothes wear dry, which is a tremendous pain in my ass. Granted it was slightly overloaded, but that’s only because the first load wasn’t dry when the second was finished in the washer so I threw them in together. Drying your laundry should not be a multi day process.

5. My Tivo is not working and I didn’t know how to fix it. So my first step was to go to Tivo.com to try and find a solution to my problem. All you get there are articles on FAQs that have nothing to do with my problem, and there is no way I’m emailing them a question because I don’t think there is any chance of that working, so that leaves me no choice but to call customer service, which if you know me you know that is against everything I believe in. First of all the number is nearly impossible to find, I got the sense that Tivo really just doesn’t like to be bothered, it took me like 15 minutes of navigating the website to find what I was looking for. So I finally call and of course I get stuck with one of those automated guys who wants to ask me question to try and figure out the problem that way, but my problem is not one of the options. But it keeps asking me questions. It got to the point where I was literally screaming into the phone.

“Are you having trouble connecting to your Tivo service?”

“NOOOOOOOOO. I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE!!!!!!!”

“Is your Tiv….”

“NOOOOOOOOO. REPRESENTATIVE.”

I think it sensed my tone because it hung up on me. When I called back I finally managed to get through to someone. I felt bad because she was very nice but I was kind of a dick because I was all fired up after berating at a robot for 10 minutes. It took her about 2 minutes to tell me how to solve my problem. Was that so damn hard Tivo? Assholes.

6. All day at work it felt like I was getting poked in my left eye. It was super painful and I kept tearing up so I couldn’t do any work. But I couldn’t do anything about it because if I take my contacts out I’m completely useless, I can’t even read a computer screen without them. Come to find out the problem was my left contact lense was basically ripped in half all day and I wore it anyway. I’ll be blind within ten years.

Questioning

I got an email yesterday afternoon from J. Crew.com. The subject line read “Trend Tip: ballet flats with jeans.” Clearly my first thought should have been, “since when did I get emails from J. Crew.com?” Or maybe, “ok clearly I filled something out there and that’s why they’re sending me emails, but why would they be sending me women’s fashion tips?” What my real first thought was, “that sleeveless tuxedo top looks hideous and since when is ballet flats and jeans a trend, girls have been doing that for like 2 years, get with it J. Crew.” That is also the point that I began to question my sexuality. I needed to do something manly, stat. I threw on my iPod to see if maybe some rock music would do the trick. The first three songs that played were Wham, Dido, and Peter Cetera, and I remembered that I don’t really listen to rock music. You’re not helping anything iPod. Fortunately there was a basketball game I was pretty pumped to watch that night. That will fill my man quotient for the day, beer and basketball. But then I was conflicted because the UVA-UMD game was on at the same time as the premiere of American Idol and my Tivo hasn’t been working lately which creates a huge conundrum. The fact that a conflict between American Idol and my favorite college basketball team playing creates a conundrum only raised more questions. Luckily I have someone who proves that I do in fact enjoy the opposite sex, although she probably would have no qualms about telling everyone it’s just a front until I’m ready to finally come out. Dammit, I’m going to go get in a fight with a bum then go to a strip club and gamble on something.

A Dream Come True

Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream. Somehow I doubt that dream included a Macy’s holiday sale in his name. Nothing says social equality like 50% off all women’s fashions. I like to think though that it would put a smile on his face to know that, regardless of race or economic status, people all across America are reflecting on his memory and ideals for a better society by getting drunk on a Sunday because they don’t have to work on Monday. Happy birthday Dr. King.

It's going to be pretty slim pickings in China for a while. Seriously, 30 million more men than women. It guess that means it's a good time to be a girl in China. That is of course consider you are actually born. The whole one child rule and gender inequality thing, leading to massive abortions and adoptions of girls. makes just being born a win in itself. And then it's a veritable meatmarket of Chinese dudes to pick from. Those guys are definitely going to have to drastically lower there standards though. And I hope you're bringing your A game, because you are a dime a dozen friend.

I Watch To Much TV

I like to think that I’m a fairly normal person. All right, that’s a lie, I know that I’m actually really strange, but I thought there were some aspects of my life that were normal. My television viewing habits for example. I always thought that if I watched a show regularly it must be popular, because I’m just like everyone else when it comes to television. I mean I am an 18-34 year old male, I’m coveted by advertising agencies, aren’t producers tailoring their shows to get me to watch so they can sell me things? I thought this until I found out that The Closer on TNT is the most highly rated cable television series of all time. How is this possible? I haven’t seen one episode; I wouldn’t even know when it was on. The only reason I know it exists is because you’re bombarded with commercials for it while trying to watch Shawshank Redemption or Rudy for the 800th time, and yet in the history of cable television no show has ever been watched by as many people as The Closer (Side Note: Isn’t Kyra Sedgewick married to Kevin Bacon? That alone is enough to turn me off of a show).

I was unsettled by this news so I decided to take a closer look at the Nielsen ratings. There was not a single show I watch in the top twenty. I realize this week is a little skewed because of holidays and football, and there are some shows I enjoy that will be there once they come back from hiatus or start the season (Lost, Heroes, 24 to name a few) but come on. 12 of the 17 not football shows in the top twenty are detective or lawyer shows. What is the deal with all these shows? I’m not saying they aren’t good, I used to watch Law and Order a lot, and CSI holds my attention from time to time, but how many of them do you need. Aren’t they, in a sense, just variations of the same theme? Shark, Without a Trace, Cold Case, Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order: CI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, Numbers (sorry for the misspelling Numbers, I didn’t know how to do a backwards 3), Criminal Minds, Close Case. All these shows were in the top 20. I don’t get it, how many times a week can one watch CSI. Is it because they’re easy? Sure the plots might seem complicated or convoluted but really you don’t have to pay attention for more than an hour because story lines don’t really carry over. I imagine that’s why they’re so popular; you don’t have to invest anything. What I don’t get is why there have to be so many of them. It’s like when Deal or No Deal became popular, now people aren’t even trying. Ok, lets dig up a b list celebrity like Penn Gillette to be a host, get a bunch of hot girls and you’ve got yourself a hit game show. Everyone is a copycat. NCIS was in the top twenty. All you did was switch the letters around! It’s just Navy CSI and yet over 13 million people watched that show.

And don’t get me started on the shows that get canceled. I had the season pass to no less than 4 new shows this season in my Tivo that lasted 3 episodes or less. My new favorite shows this season are Heroes, Studio 60, and Friday Night Lights. Only one of those shows is really watched by anyone, the other two (which are great shows, really, you should check them out) are on the brink of cancellation. Studio 60 is up against the third CSI in the franchise, it doesn’t stand a chance. Arrested Development was very original and very hilarious but barely anyone watched. The Office almost got canceled; Family Guy did then came back. They won’t ever crack the top twenty but 15 million people watched a show staring Charlie Sheen. Which I’m told is very funny, but it just seems like it came from the sitcom factory. I’m not a TV critic, so I wouldn’t bother to try and review anything. I could just be the case that I like bad TV.

While I was home for Christmas a few weeks ago I started talking to me parents about how awful shows like According to Jim can stay on the air so long when so many great shows get canceled. My mom’s response was:

“Oh According to Jim is hilarious, you what show I hate? The Office.”

Me: “Mom that might be one the funniest TV shows to come out in years.”

Mom: “Yeah, I’ve never really watched it, but those previews just didn’t look funny.”

So basically what I realized is that normal is actually middle aged people who think Jim Belushi is funny. This clearly explains why so many great shows get canceled and why I’m actually pretty happy to be abnormal.

How You Know Your Friends Might Have A Gambling Problem

While playing poker one friend loses so much money on the BCS title game that he decides he needs to be "the house" and let everyone else play blackjack against him, and everyone else proceeds to lose enough money to him that he nearly recoups his football losses. My friends are bad influences.

It Could Always Be Worse

As a fan of the Yankees you learn to get used to a few things. For example you find that you constantly have to defend your fandom (I don’t think that’s a word, but fanaticism didn’t seem appropriate) because apparently it’s impossible to actually be a fan of a winning team, naturally you’re fair-weather, bandwagon hopping fan. I always find this annoying because I sort of take it as someone insulting my integrity. Only a douche bag starts routing for a team once they win a championship, trust me I know, I live in Maryland (incidentally big game this weekend huh, also there was an alarming number of red B’s popping up after 2004, but whatever). I also have to hear a lot about the ownership being evil, buying championships, and ruining it for small market teams, etc., etc. All this is just stupid, I could argue for days on that subject, and I doubt I would change anyone’s mind, so I won’t bother.

The thing that always bothered me the most though is when people route against them. I never understood the pleasure people got out of seeing a team lose in the playoffs when the team they route for didn’t even sniff the post season. Like that team’s season just became more successful because the Yankees only made it to the ALCS instead of winning the World Series. Guess what, it didn’t, and I still got to see 10 extra games of my favorite team, during the most exciting time of the year, while your favorite team was doing the same thing you were, watching at home.

I didn’t understand that sentiment at all until Saturday. The Redskins were 5-11, a total embarrassment, but it’s hard to express what a joy it was watching Tony Romo, the Cowboys savior, botch the snap of a chip shot field goal that would have advanced them to the next round of the playoffs. Thank you Tony, you made the Redskins debacle that much more tolerable for the next 9 months. That is until they begin their next campaign to cause me to have stroke and/or go bald prematurely.

An Open Letter to Dayquil

Dear Dayquil,

I know that to most people you’ll never be Nyquil. Those are hard shoes to fill. Everyone will always think of you as the younger, kind of lame sibling. It’s like Nyquil went to medical school and became a successful surgeon and you still live in your parent’s basement. And your mom is always yelling at you to get a job but all you want to do is smoke weed and play Madden. That’s cool Dayquil; I like you for who you are. You always get the job done. It doesn’t matter what the symptom is, you always nail it. Stuffy head, sore throat, coughing, aching, fever, you’ve got it all covered and I love you for that. And frankly, I don’t like being drowsy. Don’t tell him I said this, but I like you better than Nyquil. There is one problem I have with you though Dayquil. You’ve really let yourself go. Is it really necessary for you to be so huge? You’re like a horse tranquilizer. Not that I know anything about horse tranquilizers, I’m just saying. Do I really need to have that brief moment of panic every time I take you that I going to die because I have an enormous orange pill lodged in my throat blocking my airway? That’s not the way I want to go out Dayquil. Plus I’m taking you because I have a sore throat, it already hurts to swallow and now I have to choke down this thing. You need to take a page out of the Advil playbook. Those suckers pack a punch and are no more than a quarter of your size. Look I’m not trying to be a dick here. I know your self esteem is very fragile; I just trying to help you better yourself, so I hope you take my advice.

Yours truly,

Eric

It's Just What I Do

Some people just have charity in their hearts. Whether it be working in a soup kitchen to help the homeless, or donating time to be a Big Brother, or maybe donating money to charities aimed at curing AIDs in Africa, certain people just want to make a difference. Me, I spend 25 minutes teaching algebra to the Pakistani guy behind the counter at 7-11 when all I want to do is eat my big bite. If I can help one person at 7-11 make change faster I feel like I've done my part you know. Because of me that guy is really going to nail that algebra test, and that really warms the heart. Why do I do it? Because I'm just a great guy, that's why.

Bell Ringing in the New Year

Everyone has one of these friends. He was a good friend of yours in college, perhaps even a roommate. You liked him because he partied like a rock star and was always a good time. Then you started to worry that maybe he had a drinking problem, but it was college, everyone has a drinking problem. Then he started to get really emotional all the time, very melodramatic, and by the end of college you didn’t really love hanging out with him anymore. Oh and now you were certain he had a drinking problem. After college you would still hang out with him but you were slowly tapering off and moving in different directions because he brought just a little too much craziness to the table. Most of the time this person ends up blackout drunk and either gets violent, cries (or is at least on the verge of tears) because he doesn’t get why no one hangs out with him anymore, or is too wasted to function properly and you’re worried about him possibly dying at some point in the evening. Inevitably though you get a phone call or email asking what you’re up to on New Year’s Eve and you’re just too nice not to invite him to the party. I mean after all, he is a good guy still, and he’s fun to hang out with as long as there is no crying and you can avoid any sort of episode. So you’re like, sure come up and hang out, because you’re thinking maybe he’s back to the old guy and everything will be cool and he can start hanging out again. But then you’re not at all surprised when he comes charging around the corner at 3:30 in the morning and punches Matt in the face before Mike has a chance to restrain him. And then a little later you find him stumbling around in a different part of the city and you let him come and sleep on your couch so that he doesn’t kill himself driving or get murdered but you’re pretty sure he scared your gf and you’re probably not go to invite him to anything else anytime soon. Good stuff, Happy New Year indeed.