Whining

Nine hours, under a bridge, in a bucket truck, in the rain. Not good times. Not good times at all. If anyone knows any Steven Seagal type moves feel free to use them on me. I'm all for a broken ulna right now. Seriously, this is day three of 65. I don't think I'm going to pull through. At the risk of sounding ultra pretentious, I'm pretty certain the reason I went to college is to avoid jobs like this. I'm upset.

I'm growing a beard. It just seems appropriate for the situation. I'm like Ron Burgundy right now. The difference being that my glass case of emotion is actually a big, white, plastic bucket. On the bright side, it will be in the low 30's tomorrow, so milk will actually be a great choice.

Sking

Skiing is hard. Skiing is hard and dangerous. Therefore, skiing is perfect. Thanks to an ingenious plan hatched by Kim in the comment section of my last post I had finally hatched a way out of bridge inspections for the next three months. Having never skied before, hurtling down a mountain on a sheet of ice was a sure fire way for me to sustain an injury serious enough to keep me confined to my awesome desk with my work bff, the internet. Everything was set up perfectly. We had a sweet house on the lake, everyone was having a great time, I got pretty drunk the night before so the hangover was throwing my ski game off a little bit. Even my right boot was too small resulting in intense arch pain most of the day. I was certain to fly off the side of a mountain and break a bone. It was going to be awesome. There’s only one thing that wasn’t factored in, my superior athleticism. I forgot that I’m money at most things I try*. I had a rough start but by the end of the day I was kicking ass. Skiing is totally easy, it was really a forgone conclusion. Dammit, I can’t even suck at something right. I was pissed. And you’re reading comprehension is not off, I’m might be the only person you’ll ever here express disappointment in not breaking a bone. Now I have to work outside dodging pigeon shit for the next three months. It’s going to suck.

This creates an interesting anomaly that is my life, my friends were kind of enough to point this out for me. How is it that I’m pretty good at most everything I try, and yet suck at life as a whole? Is that even possible? Apparently it is.

There is one great thing that came out the weekend. Most of the car ride up, because I’m super arrogant, I keep telling everyone how easy skiing is and how awesome I was going to be. It got to the point were a lot of people were eagerly anticipating see me fail. They would’ve taken a lot of pleasure in watching me fall on my ass all day. They were pretty pissed I was good. It was great. It almost made pigeon turds and sucking at life tolerable for a few hours.



*Except golf. Golf confounds me. Why is it that I can (could) hit a ball hurled at me at 80-90 mph but I can’t hit a stationary one sitting right in front of me? It might be the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been to a driving range 3 times. My best golf shot ever, one of the few times I’ve actually made solid contact, was when I threw a ball up in the air and swung away. I suck at golf. It’s killing my ass kissing ability with my bosses.

Oh hey

I know what you’re saying right now: Eric, you’re blog sucks, you haven’t written anything in weeks. I know, I apologize. I can’t really argue that fact. Only, I will. Watch this.

What do you want from me? Am I the only one that realizes this is the absolute worst time of year? Football’s over, baseball hasn’t started yet, and college basketball is in the boring part of the season. Writers have been on strike for the last three months so there’s nothing on TV. The weather is too bad to do anything outside. Basically there is absolutely nothing going on in my life. Unless you want to hear about a trip to the gym, the 50,000th (and probably worst) recap of Lost on the internet, or a random drunken Saturday night, I got nothin’. I can’t even write about the nights out because to be honest I haven’t remembered the last few (perhaps I could turn this into some sort of self help blog, I may have a drinking problem. Would that be something you’d enjoy?). Here are the two most interesting things that happened to me so far this week:

• I was riding to work the other day and passed a Tahoe or Suburban or something pimped out with the usual accoutrements: 24” rims, tinted windows, something thuggish written on the back windshield in calligraphy, and a loud, rattling stereo system. Pretty standard stuff, only their musical choice threw me off. They were blaring polka. And the guys inside were really pumped about it, they love the ole squeeze box.

• I had a Jolly Rancher stuck to one of my back teeth for a solid 45 minutes to an hour yesterday afternoon. Which actually isn’t interesting at all except for paradox of feelings it caused. It is both infuriating and delicious at the same time. Weird.

Don’t worry though, loyal readers, there is a lot more adventure on the horizon. Tomorrow I have to leave the office for the next two months for bridge inspections, which is going to suck. Working outdoors isn’t really my thing, especially in February. Also I’m going skiing for the first time in my life this weekend. Despite being a spectacular athlete I’m pretty clumsy (Another paradox? Am I using that word right?) The combination of me hanging in a bucket 85 feet over a river and me hurtling down mountains increases my chances of serious bodily harm and/or death exponentially. So I think I might have a story or two to tell soon.

Celebrities are A Holes

I may or may not have heard a few good TWSS said jokes this week. I really can't remember. I been in a drug induced haze for the last 4 days because something vaguely fluish and things are foggy. As a result I will be forgoing That's What She Said Friday, instead enjoy this video of Chris Berman being a total dick (NSFW, Boomer has a potty mouth). In case you've been wondering what it's like to play baseball at a certain university in Washington, DC (and I know you have), you're in luck because in this video Berman is practically channeling the coach. It's eery.




Thanks Val

Reasons Why Tennis is Awesome...

There's really only one reason why tennis is awesome. I awoke early Saturday morning kind of hungover. While lying in bed channel surfing I came upon the women's Australian Open, and the only reason to watch tennis on television. Because the finals in a Grand Slam tournament can consist of the following matchup:

Ana Ivanovic v. Maria Sharapova

It was a great match. Needless to say, I was riveted.

RPTWSSF

Reader Participation That's What She Said Friday was a rousing success last week! Ok mild success. No? Not even that? Well I don't care, we're doing it again. Here it is, try and figure out what I was talking about:

Me: It was right on the tip of my tongue but it's not coming, I'm going to have to go with something else
Matt: That's what she said.


Have at it. A challenge to my friends (I'm looking at you in particular Mike, Baha, and Wendy) no BJ jokes.

Blah Blah Blah

By now I'm sure everyone has heard the nonstory about Tom Brady's pretend ankle injury. Half of New England had a stroke Monday when TMZ released some pictures of him in a walking boot on the way to Gisele's with some flowers and pastries. Turns out it's nothing. Shocker. Anyway, in that regard I decided to write a post about Tom Brady. I had it written in my head. It was funny. It was going to be all blah blah blah I'm Tom Brady, I'm the best quarterback ever, and I bring my supermodel girlfriend flowers when I visit, and I thwart terrorist attacks with my steely gaze blah blah blah. Ok maybe it wasn't that funny but whatever, thats not the point. The point is it was all written (in my head, which counts) and I couldn't find the damn picture. I searched everywhere. And by everywhere I mean I spent 3 minutes on Google (Ed. note: I'm lazy* and don't try hard).

For some reason my inability to find this picture really pissed me off. I realized I'm in one of those whiny, self pitying, everything sucks and I hate you kind of moods. It's weird, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm actually in a pretty good mood but at the same time have a hard time fighting the urge to say fuck a lot. I guess on edge would be the best way to describe it. You know the feeling, you're going along with your day, everythings great, you're smiling, then you pump your knee on a chair and want to blow up a Starbucks. Anywho, as a result of my setback I decided to scrap the Tom Brady post. I do have one question though. The Cowboys had two weeks off before their first playoff game. Wade Phillips gave the team the first weekend off and Tony Romo chose to spend that weekend at the beach with his girlfriend. Because that girlfriend is Jessica Simpson some pictures came out and the media had a shit fit. According to sportswriters (who are mostly idiots) he showed a lack of committment to the team, he didn't care about winning, he wasn't preparing the way he should. He was being crucified for going to the beach. So here's my question: Tom Brady got the same weekend off two weeks before the Super Bowl. He chose to spend that time in New York with his famous girlfriend. The trip from Dallas to Cabo is not that much longer than the trip from Boston to New York, how come there isn't a huge uproar about Brady the way their was about Romo?



* Here's a fun anecdote regarding my laziness: I got dressed for work this morning and realized my shirt still has the telltale creases of a newly purchased shirt. I think this is only the second time I've worn the shirt so I guess that somewhat explains that. The only thing is, I got this shirt for Christmas. Two years ago. How have I not ironed out the creases, or at least taken it to a dry cleaner.

TWSSF

What's up mofos? So everyone loves That's What She Said Friday right? I know I do. But really how often can you turn benign conversation into sexual innuendo? Forever I think, but it still gets a tad repetitive. That's why I adding a twist this week. You guys have been sitting on my fastball to long, it's time to mix in a changeup. That's why this week is Reader Participation That's What She Said Friday. Or RPTWSSF for short. Instead of setting the scene then revealing the conversation I'm just going to tell you the joke, and then if you like fun you can guess what I'm talking about in the comments section. Sounds awesome right? No? Well humor me. Here goes:

Me: I kind of like that I can just stick it in for 5-10 minutes and forget about it until its done.
Aaron: That's what she said

What the heck am I talking about?! Crazy. Have fun

Answer to come whenever I feel like it.

TWSSF

Doesn't the first full week back after the holidays also seem soooo long? It's excruciating. Really I could get used to 3 and 4 day work weeks. How can I arrange that? Until then I can think of only one thing that can make then long week feel a little shorter, the triumphant return of That's What She Said Friday! Here goes:

My roommate Aaron works for Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Apparently now they offer navigation systems to people renting from them, the removable kind that you suction cup to the windshield. For liability purposes employees are not allowed to physically install the GPS for the driver. Which makes sense because could you really put it past someone blaming a little box in their windshield for driving their car off of a bridge of something (or driving into a lake a la Micheal Scott). I wouldn't, this is America after all. Anyway, one of my roommates employees was demonstrating how to install it to a customer when he said this:

Random enterprise employee: I'm going to put it in for you to show you how it's done, but then I'm going to take it out and you can stick it anywhere you feel comfortable.

Aaron: (in his head because he has to pretend to be professional around customers at work) That's what she said.

Here are some emails I received this week:

From Mike:

I joined a dodge ball team. There are two types of balls, 4 small multicolored balls and 2 larger red balls. From last night:

Guy On My Team (yelling from the court as the last person facing 3 people from the other team): I like the big red balls!

Me (yelling from the sideline): That's what she said!

Next from Jason via Brittany:

So, I put a song on from my Ipod for Dell and after it played for a little I turned down the volume. She continued to sing the song so I said to her “I can keep it up if you want” and then our admin Sue said “That’s what she said”

Keep in mind that Britt just started working there two weeks ago, and Sue is 60 years old.

How You Know People Have Run Out of Ideas

The summer after I graduated college I moved to the beach with some friends. Near our house was a karaoke bar. One night when a few friends were in town and they went over there and happened to witness the single greatest karaoke performance of all time. That's not hyperbole either, it's a fact. Unprompted, a bartender hopped over the bar to perform "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze. The key word to that sentence is perform, he didn't just stand rigidly on a stage and read lyrics from a prompter. He worked the crowd, really crooning to the ladies. I'm pretty sure this guy was a comedic genius. He chose the most perfectly awful, somewhat obscure but still well known cheesy 80's ballad and sang it with a totally straight face. You know how amazing I think this story is? I wasn't even there, but I still feel the need to tell it becuse it's so great. I was at work, I didn't hear it until the next day at the beach and I'm pretty sure I laughed for a solid 2 hours. I love it so much I've made this my go to karaoke performance, the highlight of my singing career being my epic serenade of Rachel at the Dubliner Christmas party in 2003. It sounds like I'm stealing someone elses idea, but I consider it an homage. I'm like a tribute band. Essentially I'm doing karaoke of a guy doing karaoke to Patrick Swayze.

As a result of this I now love "She's Like the Wind". It really is an amazing song. How can something be so awful and yet so awesome at the same time. It's a paradox. So imagine my surprise when I was at the gym last night and heard a remake of the song. For real. Someone actually thought to themselves, "I think I'll redo that song from Dirty Dancing the Patrick Swayze did. Only I'll add some rapping and a cool beat." This seems like a bad idea to me but apparently not to other people. You decide.

Who Am I?

Shame is an emotion that is foreign to no one. There are moments in everyone’s life that they regret. Things that embarrass you, which you hope no one finds out about. You look at yourself in the mirror and can’t meet your own gaze. You think to yourself, is this really the direction my life has turned, has it really come to this. These are the things I was going through last night while watching 2 hours of the new American Gladiators. Who am I? I’m better than this right? Apparently not. I just had to check it out; I loved American Gladiators as a kid and wanted to see if the newer version measured up. It did not. While watching the latest rendition of the show I recalled that American Gladiators was originally aired on Saturday mornings, meaning it was aimed at children and professional wrestling fans, neither of which applies me anymore (although some might argue that I am in fact still a child, at least emotionally). The question though is how you can actually get worse than this:



Basically the show is nearly identical to the original, with a few added wrinkles. Like water! And fire (but only from a safe distance)! Awesome. Also there is a new game where gladiators throw 100 lb. Nerf balls at contestants trying to run across a bridge. Just like in ancient Rome! The worst part about the show now though is all the trash talk. They tried to give it more hard edge by interviewing the contestants before and after every competition to let them talk smack to each other and the gladiators and it’s simply brutal. There is a very small percentage of the population that can talk trash and sound cool. None of them were on this show. They just sound like jackasses and it makes me cringe every time someone opens their mouth. Oh and if there is only a very small percentage of people who can successfully trash talk, than a very small percentage of that very small percentage are women. It’s just not in their DNA. Its science look it up. Next they mic’ed the Gladiators, which was just a horrible idea. If I wanted to hear meatheads grunting out stupid comments I’d spend more time at the gym. I’m not interested in hearing Titan wax poetic on is chances of tossing a 140 lb. asian man off of a 40 ft. foam pyramid. One more thing, Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, you are no Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka.

Having said all that though, I think I might be hooked. It happened shortly into the second hour of competition. The first appearance of Hellga (not a typo) the fat gladiator. Hold on, let change that to Hellga the Fat Gladiator. From now on that’s her proper name on this blog. She was completely hapless and I loved every second of it. They stuck her at the end of the Gauntlet, I’m certain with the idea that after having three other gladiators pounding on the contestants with giant foam sticks their fatigue would balance out Hellga the Fat Gladiators shortcomings. Those being lack of lateral movement and overall athletic ability. Their plan failed. After struggling through Crush, Fury, and Stealth the contestant reached Helga the Fat Gladiator and zoomed by untouched as she failed desperately. They’re running between two walls maybe 10 feet apart and without even putting any kind of move on her the contestant just ran right by without even a tap from Hellga’s foam covered hands. The second contestant chose a different approached. She just powered right through Hellga, which you’d think given her girth would be a difficult task but apparently not. I loved outfit too; everyone else is wearing the tightest spandex imaginable to show off their physique, but she’s wearing a skirt. Which I’m sure together with the pigtails and the name is meant to infer some sort of Bavarian ancestry but I’m not buying it, I’m pretty sure is to cover up her ass. Needless to say I’ll probably tune in again just hoping for a Hellga appearance. I think that alone would be worth it. Well that and quotes like this from one of the contestants, “I was just trying to grab any extremity I could and hold on as long as possible.”

That’s what she said.

Redskins

I know it's Friday and you guys all probably want to read some juvenile humor but I going to have to skip it this week. I can't concentrate. There isn't much that gets me more pumped up than the NFL playoffs and considering how bad the Redskins have been for the last decade or so I'm extra fired up. My coworkers are at serious risk of headbutts if they come to close. When I get home from work there is an excellent chance of me throwing on my Sean Taylor jersey and tackling strangers in the street. I'm so pumped up today I might put 120 lbs on the bench press at the gym today. Oh that's right, that's how excited I am. So I'll just leave you with this while I go spear someone getting off of the elavator:


Hail to the Redskins
Hail Vic-tor-y
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.
Run or pass and score -- we want a lot more!
Beat 'em, Swamp 'em,
Touchdown! -- Let the points soar!
Fight on, fight on 'Til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Fight!, Fight!, Fight!
Hail to the Redskins
Hail Vic-tor-y
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.

My New Favorite Thing Ever

I dare you to watch this and not be in a good mood. It's impossible.



I told you. You're welcome.

TWSS Friday!

Oh hey. Remember me? I'm back from Christmas at home with the family. It was lovely. I'm also back to letting other people do the work of blogging for me. You know what that means, it's TWSS Friday!

Here's a forwarded email from a friends sister. I may or may not have met this person at their wedding but I don't recall. I drank a lot that weekend. Take it away Joanna:

No one around here seems to understand TWSS, so I play by myself in my head. It keeps me amused when some people are really boring.

While riding in a Excursion limo, Jared said "It's so huge in here.I could park my Saturn in here." So I thought, "That's what he said."

Jared was lying on the seat and slid when the driver hit the brakes. He said "I could come out shorter than Adrian." Well I thought,"That's what I said."

Jared remarked on his lacrosse style of play against cocky opponents,"I pounce on dicks." Obviously I thought, "That's what she said."

The last ones my favorite.

Role Models

Everyone should have a role model. Someone who positively influences your life. Someone who lives life you would like to live, someone you aspire to emulate. For a young girl that can often be there big sister. But when your big sister is a batshit crazy, whorish, train wreck you might want to pick someone else to model your life after. Oooh, looks like Jamie Lynn realized that fact a few weeks to late. Dagger.

Yes

Brazilian star Kaka named FIFA's player of year

Awesome.

A Few Thoughts on Football

Given the current state of my life right now (it sucks) I've develop a special ability to find the downside in everything. Seriously, I'm like the Michael Jordan of taking something that should make me happy and making it suck. Watch me apply this gift to the week in football.

• The Redskins beat the Giants 22-10 yesterday. A huge win over a division rival to keep their playoffs hopes alive. Awesome right? Wrong. Since their last Super Bowl win in 1991 I have learned to live with a perenially immensely talented team that will ultimately underachieve (the Redskins are much like myself in this regard actually). They can never just suck, they're always tantalizingly mediocre. The never live up to expectations, but they always play just well enough to keep fans interested, ultimately crushing them in the end. It will happen again. I just haven't figure out how. Will Adrian Peterson run for 400 yards on them next week or will it come down to the final game of the season against the Cowboys where they'll blow another second half lead? It's not a matter of if but when.

• Speaking of the Cowboys, it figures that the only time I will ever root for them to win they lose. To the Eagles no less. All I want is for the Cowboys to wrap up homefield advantage in the playoffs so they rest their starters in week 17 against the Skins. But, noooooooo, Tony Romo plays like crap, gets hurt, and we have to endure 40 shots of Jessica Simpson in the booth wearing a pink jersey. Could it get any worse. Although how awesome was it when Brian Westbrook was waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown but instead decided to down it at the one and run the clock out. How many fantasy football seasons did that ruin and in turn how many TVs did that ruin when Westbrook owners put their remote through the screen?

• Ooh, that sounded almost positive about the Westbrook thing, lets put a negative spin on that. My team was in the playoffs this week, playing against a team carrying Westbrook, and it did not help me at all. Because my team absolutely shit the bed. Of course I dominate all year and then in the second round of the playoffs I have Randy Moss playing in a blizzard. Although I think the fact that I was depending on 3 Detroit Lions might have been my downfall. It was inevitable.

• Ok it wasn't all negative yesterday. There was one thing I absolutely loved. Living in Baltimore I developed a solid hatred of the Ravens. Seeing them lose to the 0-13, now 1-13, Dolphins was probably the most enjoyable experience I've had in weeks. The Ravens have officially hit rock bottom. At least now I have some company down here. Crap, I can't even get any joy out of that.

I told you it was a gift.

Right Now It's About 50/50

In a little while I have to go into a training session that will last until the end of the day tomorrow. It's going to be rather soul crushing. If you hear from me sometime this weekend or Monday it means I somehow found the will to not call it a life and jump out the conference room window 25 stories to my death. If you haven't, be concerned, it's a possibility. If so someone call my parents for me? Thanks.

Metaphors For Life

I got a haircut on Monday. While cutting my hair the barber, who I had never visited before, asked me if I've considered anything for hair loss. It's really piling on these days. And by it I mean shit.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but I love this website. I probably have but I don't care. It makes me laugh and I'll take what I can get at this point.