Hockey is goof for something I guess

Courtesy of Bill Simmons, the most kick ass brawl I've ever seen:





PS I know it's pretty lazy to post a Youtube video when I haven't posted anything in a week, but it's no secret, I'm very lazy.

Do I know you?

How did Lelia@Viagra_Soft.com become one of my contacts?

Ideally I wouldn't be working.

There's no such thing as an ideal day that involves me going to work, but if there were an ideal work day today would definitely fit that description. It starts with me sleeping in and showing up for work at least an hour later than normal. My office has pretty flexible work hours; generally you can show up whenever you want as long as you put in 9 hours (including an hour lunch break). I like to be home early so I usually work from 7-4. Today we have a mandatory “all hands” meeting at 4. Which means everyone stops work at for to listen to the boss talk for 20 minutes then the day is over. Well if I can show up to work whenever I want (within reason of course) and it’s mandatory that I stop working at 4, why the hell wouldn’t I just get to work at like 8:30 ensuring that I have a free 6 and a half hour work day? Well I would, and I did, so things are off to a good start. Then during my shortened work day the majority of my department is in meetings all day. Meaning there isn’t really anyone to looking over my shoulder. Meaning I’m “working” at a pretty leisurely pace this afternoon. 2 for 2 so far. “All hands” meetings are always immediately followed by an office happy hour. Of course happy hour with your coworkers usually is the lamest species of happy hour but free beer and food is something that should never be turned down. And while the flip cups tournaments in the conference room don’t happen anymore (some sort of liability issue, the boss I are going to have to agree to disagree on this matter I guess) I have some pretty enjoyable colleagues and we also have a balcony ringing our office about 25 stories up with a great view of the harbor so it’s a pretty enjoyable setting, it’s usually not a bad time, so 3 for 3. The next step in this idyllic summer work afternoon would be to walk from happy hour over to the Camden Yards will call to pick my tickets to our free luxury suites one of our friends manage to procure. 4 for 4. 2 less hours of “work”, free booze, and free baseball. Call me crazy but, for a work day, it doesn’t get a whole lot better than that.

What day is it again?

I morning I've been thinking that it's Tuesday. I was talking with Brian about my excitement for our softball league opening on Thursday, I said something about it being two days from now and he reminded me that it's tomorrow because today is in fact Wednesday. Is there a better feeling than that? All day you're thinking that you still have a long week ahead you, come to find out you're almost done. One day closer to the weekend. Also I'm only 14,042 days away from retirement instead of 14,043. That's only 2006 weeks! And since Wednesday already half way over I only 337,003 and a half minutes left in my career. It's ticking away so fast! Where does the time go? 20,220,480 seconds, 20,220,479 seconds, 20,220,478 seconds. Relaxation here I come. Life is good.

Someone jam a pencil in my eye please

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a little blurb about how much I hate writing resumes. I still hate doing that, but I've found something worse, my "personal statement" for a graduate school application. Here is what I'm suppossed to be writing:

Write a brief (1,000-2,000 word) statement addressing the following two questions:

1. What are your reasons for undertaking graduate study at the University of Maryland? Indicate, if appropriate, any specific areas of research interest. You may wish to discuss past work in your intended field and allied fields, your plans for a professional career, or how you developed your interest in or knowledge of your chosen subject.

2. What life experiences you have had that you feel have prepared you to pursue a graduate degree at a large, diverse institution such as the University of Maryland? Among the items you might care to include would be your financial, community and family background, whether you are the first person in your family to pursue a higher education, or any other factors that you feel would contribute to the diversity of our academic community. You may also wish to give the graduate admissions committee some examples of your determination to pursue your goals, your initiative and ability to develop ideas, and /or your capacity for working through problems independently.

Good lord do I hate this crap. What are my reasons for undertaking graduate study? Can't I just say because I like money? Would that fly? I like money, and a graduate degree will make me more money. Do you think the admissions department would respect that answer. In reality though, my company pays for school, shouldn't anyone be admitted when garuanteed money is involved? What have they got to lose? Can I just not go through the motions of the stupid essay and write you a check?

And what's the deal with question 2? Isn't it basically just asking me to tell them that I'm a minority from a poor background who is the only person who has ever gone to college? Are they recruiting for pamphlets with that question?

Anyway, I'm 72 words into my 1,000-2,000 word statement and I'm stuck. I hate this.

For the record: Bananas and Patrick Swayze do not mix well

Despite the title of this blog I haven't been thinking of much lately. I decided the best way to not let the blog die entirely it might be time for my very first guest post. Take itaway Pat:


I recently had knee surgery and for the past two weeks, I have been crutching around with a full length leg brace on. It is amazing how many people ask “wow what did you do to your knee?!” I usually try to come up with a response that makes me seem extremely masculine, adventurous, or my most favorite “the star athlete in my prime”. After weeks of lying, it is time I come clean with the truth.

It all began Halloween of 2005. I was living in New York at the time, and decided to spend a weekend in LA and attend a USC Homecoming football game. Since this coincided with Halloween, I made plans to meet up with my old roommate from college, hot metal, who was at the time living north of LA. Things were working out extremely well. Hot Metal, Dad Metal (one of hot metals buddies) and I met up as the sun was beginning to set. We each pounded a couple 40’s and got our Halloween costumes ready. These costumes came under much debate and deliberation and were not chosen lightly. Originally we thought it would be great to go as a group of penguins, we thought what ladies don’t like a fuzzy penguin. Obviously everyone else had that idea and the store was sold out. Next we thought it would be great to go as a group of giant hands and walk around “giving high fives” and throwing “giant gang signs.” That idea was quickly canned due to the lack of craftsmanship of these giant hands. Our final idea dawned on us like an epiphany. We could be a “bunch of bananas!” Brilliant! We donned our yellow uniforms and made our way to meet up with the rest of the group to begin our night.

We started at the Brass Monkey…a splendid little Karaoke bar in Korea Town, Los Angeles. Hot Metal made his way to the KJ (karaoke Jockey) booth, gave the guy a 20 and a nod, then wrote down our first request of the night “Shes like the Wind, by Patrick Swayzee. You may be most familiar with this song through its class debut in Dirty Dancing. I made a V-line to the booth…high fived the guy, gave him a 20, then began to write down our second hit classic “Escape” by Enrique Englasias. Obviously since we were such kick ass looking dudes, we were called right up to the stage.

The 3 part act began awesomely as always. In fact it was glorious as you can see from this photo




Until this lovely lady in the front row caught my eye. I sang and danced my way to her. “Feel the breath of her face…her body close to me” I was bending backwards…feeling it….she was feeling it…
Then POP!
My knee buckled and I feel to the floor. I wasn’t going to let a little slip and her laughing in my face stop this performance though. I got right back up and finished the song singing to another lady (not as lovely, but lady #1 was definitely jealous)
I started to feel the pain towards the end of the song…hobbled over to the table as the crowd cheered and panties were thrown onto the stage…and sat down nursing my knee. I was ready to go home…after 15 mins of healing my leg…I hear “LETS HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BANANAS…o man…I suck it up and hobble my way up for the conclusion…I am no Brittney Spears canceling my show due to health issues…I am a performer!

I finish my night with “Escape” then leave the stage in a shopping cart one of my buddies found. My buddy nick pushed my all the way home…trying to stop in each bar we passed, only to hear that Korea Town bars don’t like bananas in shopping carts. The other bananas went in the other direction to go bowling.

After I get home I noticed my knee is swollen to twice its size so I take 6 asprin and put ice on it. I lay in the bed…then a call comes in. “Hot Metal is locked in a bowling alley, it closed with him still in the bathroom! What do we do?!?!” They end up finding one of the workers going to his car, have him open the door, and he yells in a Spanish accent “BANANA….WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!?” Hot Metal came sprinting out and they made their way home.

When Hot Metal walks in the door, the D-Bag he can be sprints, and does a pile driver on my knee…doing the ultimate damage. As eyes start to fall asleep…I proclaim “I hate you Hot Metal” and hear the girl he was sleeping next to proclaim “NO TOUCHING!!”

Being on crutches for 3 weeks with a bum knee made that evening memorable!!

I then began to have severe problems with my knee, My knee kept buckling on me and I kept being placed on crutches. Each time was more humiliating than the last. From playing paddle ball with my girlfriends dad on the beach, to walking at work and bending to pick up a sheet of fallen paper, I was a broken man.

I finally had surgery where they removed a piece of chipped bone from my kneecap and gave me a dead guy’s ligament to replace my torn one.

I cant wait to sing Karaoke once more!

Ed. Note: This is likely to be my most popular post ever.

That was Money

I have an imaginary checklist of goals I hope to accomplish before I die. It’s imaginary because A. there is no physical list and B. I don’t actually know what these goals are; usually things get added to the list after the fact because I think they’re awesome. Anyway, I got to add and then mark off an item from the checklist this weekend. I got one ticket to paradise. That ticket allowed me to see one Edward Joseph Mahoney live in concert. That’s right friends, the Eddie Money. It’s hard to imagine anything be more kick ass than seeing Take Me Home Tonight live. Unfortunately Ronnie Spector wasn’t there to complete the original duet, but in her place was a special treat, Eddie’s daughter Jessy. He introduced her as Jessy Money. Really Jessy? You’re trying to have a recording career and you’re using the same fake last name as your dad? That’s pretty lame.

The crowd was an interesting mix to say the least. About 25-30% were people like me and my friends, people in their mid 20’s who enjoy 80’s music, but more than anything enjoy how cheesy it all is. Seriously, I was cracking up the entire time, how could you not? Another 35-40% was hardcore Eddie Money fans. People were buying his albums in the 70’s and 80’s. Just white trash central. There is nothing better than seeing an incredibly trashy woman in her late 40’s who you just know was a crazy Money groupee 25 years ago. I doubt his fans have names, but they really should call themselves Moneyacs. Or Moniacs, whatever it doesn’t matter. I really wanted to buy an Eddie Money t-shirt and immediately cut the sleeves off. They rest of the crowd was there for an entirely different, dreamier reason. The headlining act was Rick Springfield, and there were a lot of older woman there ready to swoon over Dr. Noah Drake. And swoon they did.

One thing was pretty surprising. Eddie Money, despite not putting out a hit record in over 20 years has 6 or 7 recognizable hits that a 26 year old like myself can rock hard to, but one hit wonder Springfield puts on a way better show. And no, he didn’t play Jessy’s Girl on repeat for an hour. It’s pretty easy to see why though. They’re both 57 but Mr. Money has done some hard living in his days. All the drugs and rockstar living has really taken a toll. He’s like a dead man on stage. Although he still had enough life left in him to really nail the requisite 80’s saxophone solo. And I still did a lot of fist pumping. Dr. Drake on the other hand has really been keeping himself together. He was running around like a maniac. I was shocked to find out how old he was. He did half of the concert in the crowd, climbing over seats and playing the guitar while crowd surfing. I was pleasantly surprised with how entertaining it was. I would seriously recommend a Rick Springfield concert; it doesn’t even really matter if you’ve only heard one song of his before.

Throw in Scandal as the opening act and you have a real cheeseball 80’s bonanza. Not quite enough for me to get over missing Huey Lewis and the News last Monday though. That one’s still on the list.