A List...

A Partial List of Dead Animals That I Have Been Close Enough To In the Last Week to Catch a Horrible Disease

1. Squirrel (s)
2. Bat
3. Deer*
4. Large Bird**
5. Bat
6. Groundhog***
7. Small Bird****
8. Cat
9. Human? *****
10. Orange mystery animal ******


* It was only a deer leg. I don't want to know what happened to the rest of it.

** I think it was an eagle. My coworker disagrees. Probably because he hates America.

*** Or woodchuck if you prefer.

**** Baby eagle?

***** It was just a bone, but it looked eerily like an arm bone.

****** It was long and skinny. Sort of ferrittish, but to big. It could have been one of these. Which would have been sad, because they're cute. And not native to Pennsylvania.

Day 2...

As I was driving further north into Pennsylvania I got to thinking more about creepy guys eye flirting thing, and then I figure it all out. I think this son of a bitch is trying to kidnap me and take me on a romantic weekend getaway in the Poconos. Luckily I'm on to him so I'm going to have some sort of shank ready at all times to repel his advances.

Right now we're just outside of Scranton, PA. I'm pretty big into agrotourism so I'm going to try and book the irrigation room at the Schrute Farms B&B.

And that is the last "The Office" joke I'll make. I've been so excited just to be near Scranton that I've been making them all day and it's annoying people.

All right, gotta go. I'm meeting Jim and Pam at Poor Richard's to see Scrantonicity. Peace.

Day 1...

Well, I learned what I was doing up here and it's even more boring than I could have imagined. I'm here to inspect all of the retaining walls on the northeast connector of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I know it sounds awesome, but trust me, it's not.

I learned something else also. The Days Inn in Horsham, PA is a terrible, terrible place. You know your hotel stay is off to a bad start you go into your room and neither of the beds are made and all the towels are used. You might think that would make you feel at home. It doesn't. It's gross. Their continental breakfast better be amazing to make up for this.

The creepy guy isn't even doing anything interesting. He just chain smokes. And tells the same stories over and over again everytime he meets someone new. Even though the people he just told the story to are still standing there. And his eyes flutter when he talks. It's weird. I think he's trying to seduce me. Only his method of seduction is the one Bugs Bunny used on Elmer Fudd when he would cross dress in Loony Tunes cartoons.

So if you happen to be driving between Philadelphia and Scranton any time over the next two weeks and you see a two guys staring at a wall, one of whom appears to be hating his life, stop and say hello. Or run me over with your car. Your choice.

This could suck...

For the next two weeks I'll will be inspecting various structures throughout Pennsylvania. I don't know where, wish is disconcerting, but I do know that I'll be doing it with the single creepiest guy in my company. Since I'll be spending most of the time in a hotel room alone trying not to interact with this guy I might as well chronicle my days. It could be hilarious. It could be the most boring series of blogs posts in history. Stay tuned to find out.

The Olympics are awesome

I’ve watched approximately 9,000 hours of the Olympics since they started last weekend. I have a few random thoughts I’d like to share.

- I don’t get synchronized diving. I don’t really have a joke here, I just don’t get it. Synchronized swimming makes sense to me, it’s not a sport, but I understand the need for synchronization. Without it it’s just someone flailing around in a pool, which could give the appearance of drowning. But diving is already a sport, a difficult one, and it doesn’t seem as if any extra skill is needed for synchronized diving. You’re just doing the same dive you would have done by yourself with someone right next to you.

- Alicia Sacramone has inordinately large boobs for a gymnast.

- I want to play team handball. It’s awesome. Not only do I think I’d be good at it, but America does not have a representative in this Olympics because there aren’t enough athletes to field a quality team. Hello London 2012.

- I cannot reveal my sources, but I have access to Michael Phelps’ cell phone number. I think I might send him a couple of text messages. Not so much to congratulate him, everyone’s doing that, but more to make fun of his ears. And mouth. I don’t want him to get a big head after all the gold medals. Or maybe I should send congratulations in hopes that I could get Natalie Coughlin’s number from him.

On the Prowl

This is a Washington Post headline this morning:

Cougar Reportedly Seen on U-Md. Campus

The story is not at all what I hoped it would be about.