A brief update on Operation: F U Matt and Jake...

I ran 7 1/2 miles on Saturday in just under an hour. On Sunday my leg hurt. Not a good sign. That is all.

Can't complain about this...

Thanks for the shout out Express.

TWSS Friday

It's Friday. You know what that means. Today is our first ever reader submitted "that's what she said." That's right, I take reader submissions so feel free to hit me up email style and you'll be considered for this prestigious honor. On with it:

Amanda was trying to figure out how to use a flash drive for her computer.

Amanda: Where do I put this thing?
Kenny: You have to put it in the back.
(Dramatic Pause)
Kenny: That's what she said.

I wish.






PS TWSSF needs a logo, if anyone is bored and knows how to do that kind of thing have at it. I'll totally use it. The more Micheal Scott/Dwight Schrute the better.

So me and my blog are in a little bit of a blogument right now. You might say I'm in the bloghouse. You see, I totally forgot our one year blogiversary last Sunday. I know, I'm such an a hole. I tried to explain but the blog wasn't having any of it. I said, "I'm sorry blog, I've really had a lot on my mind lately, things have been real stressful at work." Which is all a lie but whatever. I said, "I'll make it up to you baby, I promise." I'm pretty sure you're suppossed to write a flowery post about how much you've grown over the last year and how much you appreciate all your readers and commenters but my blog doesn't want to hear it. Oh well, I'll just have to write some funny posts, get my stats up for a week or two and me and blog will be like peas and carrots again. Then maybe next year I'll remember my blogiversary.

Cracker Barrel

I went to Cracker Barrel last weekend. Let me give you a review. It’s awesome. I grew up in the south, and while I wouldn’t exactly say I had a very southern upbringing when I go to a place like Cracker Barrel I like to get a pretend feeling of nostalgia for the simpler times when mom rang the dinner bell and the whole family sat down at the table for a southern style home cooked meal. In reality though my mom is Irish, we ate a slab of meat and potatoes most nights, and most of the time I ate it while watching TV or playing Nintendo. But it’s nice to pretend. Also Cracker Barrel is easily the most hilarious restaurant you’ll visit. There are never less than 1,500 people waiting to be seated at a Cracker Barrel. Which is ironic because they are always in the middle of nowhere. I’m fairly certain if you’re town eclipses the 2,000 citizens mark you’re automatically banned from having a Cracker Barrel. It’s mainly tour buses full of old people and church type groups. I love this because if you’ve ever been a waiter you know that these are some of the absolute worst costumers to deal with. If you’re a patient person who doesn’t mind slow service you can just sit back and enjoy the scene. If you pay close attention you’ll notice that the entire staff always seems to be muttering as the walk away from a table. There all about more request for extra biscuits away from shooting up the place. Anyway, you’d think that the perpetual 40 minute wait would discourage you from going there, but you’re wrong friend. Cracker Barrel has you covered. Take a load off in one of the rocking chairs on the front porch and play some checkers. If you have bat ears you might even be able to hear them call your name over the “loud” speaker. If checkers doesn’t suit your fancy you can have a look around the general store. There you can find an amazing selection of denim shirts. I personally took this opportunity to purchase about 30 lbs. of “old fashioned” candy for approximately 45 cents. It was quite a deal. As I type I’m enjoy some of my Gilliam Old Fashioned Wild Cherry Drops.

The food here is spectacular. Everything is fried. You can’t go wrong with frying something. If you cut out a hunk of my ass, slathered it in buttermilk, flour, and bread crumbs I’m pretty sure I would eat it and love it. Fortunately I didn’t have to do that because Cracker Barrel has a fine selection of fried animals. I went with the chicken fried chicken. Perhaps a redundant title but who cares, smothered in gravy it’s delicious. Can someone answer me a question? Why do we bother with fine dining when I can get chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, apple sauce, cornbread, biscuits, and a lemonade for like $6? Anyone?

There was one thing that concerned me though. I think they might be taking the southern theme a little too far. The dining room was basically separated into three equal sections. We were seated the back third and couldn’t help but notice we were in the minority. Not only were all the black people seated in the same section in the back, but they were being waited on by the only black waitresses in the restaurant. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.

That's What She Said

It's That's What She Said Friday! Let's get to it. My friend Brian was recently married. Early this week he was discussing his ring, specifically how it fit. The follow is a snippet of that conversation.

Brian: I really have to work it to get it off.
Me: That's what she said.

Indeed!

Thoughts

Just a few thoughts I've had recently:

-Headline writers have to be absolutely elated with Mike Vick's indictment. I mean imagine the pun possibilities. Their heads are on the verge of exploding just thinking about it. ESPN.com has already changed their headline three times today. All dog/dog fighting related puns. I’m totally giddy in anticipation of how hilarious this trial will be. (Also, who fights dogs? What a dick.)


-Please click on this link and read the lyrics to T-Pain’s Buy U A Drank. Seriously how is this song a hit? These might be the worst lyrics ever written. “We In The Bed Like Ooh Ooh Oh, Ooh Ooh.” Those are the words to a song. For real. You know it’s awful when you can legitimately say that Yung Joc blew T-Pain out of the water with his verse. How do you even get a record contract with this incredible lack of talent? Oh wait, I remember, T-Pain is the genius behind the classic hit “In Love Wit’ a Stripper.”

-I bet a friend on Saturday that the Yankees would make the playoffs. They are 3-0 since the bet and I remain confident in this bet, obviously my confidence has brought them confidence. Before and during the all-star break there was a lot of talk about what percentage baseball the Yankees would have to play to catch the Sox and how it was nearly impossible. Well as the season stands today, if the Red Sox were to win 95 games they need to win games at a .550 clip (the equivalent of an 89 win season). The Yankees would have to win a little under 68% (a 109 win season) of their games to keep up with that pace. While that would be an amazing pace to keep for an entire season (which the Yankees have done by the way) I don’t think it’s even remotely out of the realm of possibility for them to do it over the second half. And it would not be much of a drop off at all for the Red Sox to play .550. Oh and when they go 18-5 in their next 23 games (all against 5 of the worst 7 teams in the AL) then they only need to play .625 the rest of the year to reach 95 wins. It’s going to happen.

-Is the Who’s Now? competition on ESPN not the worst idea ever? I call it a competition for lack of a better word. I guess what it really is a way for ESPN to kill 10 minutes on Sportscenter so they aren’t forced to show WNBA highlights. How doesn’t hate this idea though? Who’s more now Dale Earnhardt Jr. or Chuck Liddell? Kobe Bryant of Ronaldinho? Tony Parker or Roger Federer? Who gives a shit? What does Now even mean? Even writers on ESPN are making fun of this. I bet the people who green lighted this idea are already fired. Everyone thinks it is dumb and yet they are forced to run it for another month because it would look worse to abandon it midway.

That's What She Said

Many years ago, long before Michael Scott of The Office brought it to such prominence in the lexicon of young people everywhere, my friend Mike (who I just realized as I’m typing this has the middle name Scott, making him Michael Scott, that’s pretty kick ass) and I decided that “that’s what she said” is just about the funniest joke ever. It juvenile, it doesn’t require a tremendous amount of wit, it is rarely appropriate and it makes me laugh almost every time. Now that the joke is approaching it’s apex in popularity, and nearly everyone I know is a huge fan of The Office, my friends have it down to a veritable art form. A conversation seldom goes more than a few minutes before someone making even the most vague innuendo is punctuated with a “that’s what she said.”

Today I decided that I needed a weekly feature for my blog. Everyone loves a good feature; it’s something to look forward to. Also it allows me to mail it in once a week. It is in this vein that I am creating That’s What She Said Friday. Each week I will present to you, the reader, the very best “that’s what she said” my friends have produced that week. Since I just thought of this and haven’t been mentally cataloging jokes for the week I’m going to dig into the “that’s what she said” archives to tell you about my favorite of all time. Here it is:

I’ll preface this one by saying Leslie doesn’t particularly enjoy “that’s what she said” as much as everyone else I know. I think it kind of annoys her how often I say it, which is what makes this one so great. She had come over to my house to pick me up to go out to eat. She parallel parked a little to close to the curb and I couldn’t open the door far enough to get in the car. The following exchange occurred:

Me: (cracking the car door) Um, I think you’re going to have to pull out.
Leslie: (faintly as I’m closing the door) That’s what she said.


There you have it, that’s the kind of magic you can be expecting on a weekly basis from now on. You’re welcome.

I might start trying again

My blog has really been shitting the bed lately. When I say my blog I literally mean my blog, not myself. I also mean figuratively, not literally. It’s obviously the blogs fault not my own. I’m still leading my usual active, fascinating lifestyle. I’m rife with interesting things to write about but my blog isn’t doing its job. Which is to inspire me to write the stories down. I sit down to write and then get distracted by other things, like being outside, or tv, or not writing a blog post. Here’s a brief list of things that you, the reader, have missed out on in the last two weeks or so because I’ve been to lazy to post:

-I saw a man spit on a little kid on the sidewalk because the kid smiled at him.

-A bird pooped on Leslie while we were out to dinner.

-I spent a weekend in Ocean City. Good stories always come out of that.

-Two good friends got married in North Carolina last weekend. Weddings are the
best, this one was no exception.

Those are just a few examples of fodder I’ve wasted. Hell, today someone handed me a free Monster Energy drink after lunch, old Eric could’ve cranked out 1,000 words on how disgusting that was alone. I’m not really sure what the problem has been. I’ve been really busy at work, but let’s face it, that never stopped me before. I think it’s just a general malaise. Who wants to write a blog post when it’s 103 degrees outside? The act of typing in itself it’s just too exhausting. But I think it’s time to rededicate myself for two reasons. The first being that I no long have a lot of work to do at work, so I’ve got some time to kill. The second one being that my one year blogging anniversary is coming up and I can’t have that go by through such a downswing. Do people even still read this anymore? Who knows.

People in Maryland have such a huge boner for Cal Ripken. What would the states indentity be without him? If you took away the Ravens, Ripken, and crabs I feel like most of Maryland would be walking around like zombies.






P.S. Somewhat real post coming later in the day potentially. I'm back bitches.