I'll Think of Something

Self(ish) Checkout

2009-07-28T15:55:00.003Z

Can anyone tell me what the self checkout line at the grocery store is for? I mean, I know it's purpose, it just seems like now one else does. Mine impression has always been that one should use the self checkout when all the normal lines are long and all you have is 5 or 6 items with easily visible bar codes. Otherwise you go through a normal line. Is that crazy of me? I don't think so.

The other day I was at the Safeway, I need to make two purchases. I grabbed those two items and headed to self checkout. Seems like a pretty simple transaction right? Well there are for scanners in this section of the store. On this particular day one was broken, one was occupied by a young woman who clearly grasped the concept, and the other two were being used two total douche bags. The first was an older woman overflowing with groceries. Including at least 30 cans of cat food. How selfish an inconsiderate is that? Why would this woman possibly think she would be faster or more efficient than the 5-8 people whose job it is to scan and bag your massive cart of groceries? The other guy was even worse. He didn't have nearly as many things as the old woman but the only thing he had was fruit and vegetables. You know, as in items lacking a scan able bar code and therefore must be weighed and searched for on a menu to find the appropriate price. The type of menu that one would memorize had they say, worked there on a daily basis looking up fruits and vegetables on daily basis while helping others. I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that a cashier would have finished checking these two out at least 10 times faster than they could. Instead they have to be assholes and try and do it themselves. Do they have some sort of phobia and talking to strangers? Are they embarrassed other their groceries and don't want other people handling them? Are they germaphobes? Because of them the normally fast self checkout line ended up 7 or 8 people deep, all of whom had an appropriate amount of products for the line, and all of whom were able to check out on the one available computer before these idiots finished.

It's little things like that that really drive me crazy. It's kind of hard to have hope for the future of America when so many people are so stupid.

Joblessness

2009-07-23T18:25:00.002Z

I had 4 friends yesterday mention something about my lack of blogging lately. Apparently the masses are clamoring for an update on my life. Which is understandable because I lead a super exciting life. I'm like Jason Bourne. Or something. So let's see, let's see. What is new in my life. Ooh I know, I lost my job last week. That's a new development, I am now unemployed. In the midst of an "economic crisis". So that's cool.

I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I should be upset by this. Mostly because every time I mention it to someone they express some kind of condolences. I'm really not though. I guess I'm a little worried about what's going to happen next, but I hated my job. The only reason I hadn't left earlier is because it was comfortable and really who has motivation to leave a comfortable, easy situation. That's a rare trait that I don't possess. So really getting laid off is sort of like my former company saying, hey Eric, here's a hefty severance, why don't you take the rest of the summer off and then find a more enjoyable job that probably pays better. Well don't mind if I do.

So, yeah, if you need me you probably find me by the pool enjoying an adult beverage. Although, if you have any job offers feel free to interrupt.

Spin Around Ninjas

2009-07-06T14:09:00.000Z

You would think by now I would have learned the wisdom of giving myself an extra day to fully recover from a vacation, but I have not. When you’ve spent almost a week trying to rationalize quitting your career to move to the beach be a bartender (my 401k is losing money anyways, who needs it, and health insurance just seems superfluous, I haven’t been sick in years) the last thing you want to do is go back to work. The only thing that could make it worse is if you’re totally exhausted upon your return to work because you’ve only been back from vacation for a few hours. In the future I will try and remember to schedule that extra day to get re-acclimated to not hearing the waves crashing on the shore while napping in the sand.

The point being, I could write a fun post recapping and enjoyable long weekend at the beach, instead I’m going to stare at my cubicle wall and try to stay awake for the remaining 6 or 7 hours of the day. What I will do is post my favorite YouTube clip ever. A friend of mine showed me this a few weeks ago and my life hasn’t been the same since. Really nothing makes me happier than this, and if you like it chances are I like you:

Michael and Me*

2009-06-29T12:35:00.002Z

Since I’m nothing if not timely I thought I’d write a little something about how Michael Jackson molded my life, indirectly. This isn’t really a tribute to the man, let’s face it there have been more than enough of those in the last four days, and they were all done better than anything I’d be putting out there. Not to mention there are more than a few people who question whether he was worthy of tribute or not. This is just a story I’m reminded of by his passing.

If you grew up in the 80’s chances are you were a Michael Jackson fan. I loved Michael Jackson, to this day Human Nature and The Way You Make Me Feel are two of my favorite songs. In 1987 Bad was the first tape I ever bought and I probably played it a thousand times in the next 4 or 5 years. I could listen to Wanna Be Starting Something over and over again and not get bored with it**. Seriously, I loved Michael Jackson.

One summer when I was 6 or 7 years old I was playing in the front yard with the radio blaring. Billie Jean came on and I guess I was inspired. I broke into a full on lip synched MJ performance. I’m not really sure why I was showing off the way I was, probably because Deanna and Candy (the two girls from down the street) were there, I can’t really remember but I was tearing it up. I was on the hood of the car doing my best impression of the dance moves from that iconic video. I was using the car antenna as a microphone when I snapped it clean off. Uh oh. This was not good.

My parents were never ones to tolerate stupidity. And seeing as I grew up (to put it mildly) dirt poor, they especially didn’t tolerate stupidity that involved them having to spend money unnecessarily. Needless to say when my mom saw that I had broken the antenna off of the car doing a Michael Jackson impersonation she was pissed. I should mention that my mom was also pretty liberal with the corporal punishment. It was the mid 80’s, it was still ok to beat your kids back then and my mom took advantage of that fact. When you’re doing something that you’re pretty sure is going to result in a whipping if you’re caught you know what you do not want to do? You don’t want to create a weapon that makes the beating process more efficient and painful. Like, I don’t know, maybe a long metal rod the size and shape of a car antenna.

My mom uncorked the beating off a lifetime on me. It was hellacious. The kind of beating that resonates, sticks with you for a very long time. She wacked the hell of me with that antenna. My ass still hurts a little when I hear Billie Jean***.

It’s impossible to predict what events, large or small, will shape you into the person you become. But I can say this; I’ve never been in trouble. Ever. Sure I’ve done a lot of dumb things, but I’ve never been in trouble. Here is the worst trouble I ever got into in school: In fourth grade we had a girl in our class with a pretty severe learning disability. One day everyone was making fun of her because, well, fourth graders are little assholes. My teacher Mrs. Daugherty had to call my mom to tell her she was concerned about me. Not because I was making fun a girl with a learning disability, but because everyone else in class was and I wasn’t defending her. My teacher thought that was out of character for me and wanted to call home to make sure everything was ok. So to same I’ve been somewhat straight laced might be an understatement.

Was that a result of the thrashing I took one summer when I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm for Billie Jean? I don’t know, but I think it played a big part. And for that I can thank my crazy ass mom, and Michael Jackson for being awesome.

*Isn't that title kind of creepy in light of certain allegations? I kind of love it.

**Obviously there was a ton of Michael Jackson music on the radio, television, and at every bar I went to this weekend. It gotten me thinking, why did the guy have to die for people to start playing his music more often, it's the best it should always be played.

***Save your jokes please.

J. Crew Thinks I'm an Idiot (and I frequently prove them right)

2009-06-15T17:40:00.001Z

- This morning I got an email from J. Crew, like I do every Monday morning, promoting a 20% off sale between now and Wednesday. The sales vary, sometimes it’s free shipping on $150 or more, sometimes it’s 20% off all sales items, sometimes it’s just 20% off all items, but there is almost always a sale at the beginning of the week. Sometimes I need to buy something so I take advantage of this, more often than not I don’t. The subject of this mornings email though was:

PRIVATE SALE (it's super top-secret)

Holy shit, a super top secret sale of 20% of purchases of $175 or more, and did I mention its top secret! Which means only anyone who has ever purchased something from J Crew online or in stores is privy to this inside information! Really J Crew? Really? Does anyone ever fall for a marketing tactic like this? Does some perceived idea of exclusivity really make people shell out a couple hundred dollars they weren’t planning on spending? Especially when they never isn’t a sale (except on holidays when people buy things)? Nice try J Crew, but I’m not falling for it.

- So our building has a company in testing elevator safety today, which I guess is a good thing. But do you know how they test this? By dropping the elevator down to activate some sort of emergency catch system. Every half an hour or so an elevator goes thundering down the shaft creating a huge crashing noise and shaking the whole building. They couldn’t maybe, I don’t know, do this on a weekend so there aren’t a few hundred people riding the elevators later this afternoon pissing themselves thinking about how might not have reattached whatever needs to be reattached for them to not send me to a fiery death? Would that have been to much to ask?

- As mentioned many times before on this blog I suffer from an affliction called Being a Redhead. With that comes the subsequent pasty, freckled skin. So why, oh why, would I sit in a baseball stadium under the blazing sun for over 4 hours without sunscreen? After 28 years of having red hair, and the incredible sunburns that go along with it, how have I not learned this lesson? A coworker commented earlier about how hot it was in the office today and I had apologize because I’m fairly certain that the heat emanating from the back of my neck overwhelmed the air conditioner and shut it down.

Oh Baltimore...

2009-06-04T14:03:00.002Z

Without intending to I sort created a theme with my blog posts for this week. That theme? Baltimore kind of sucks. I got an email from a friend a few days ago the dovetails quite nicely, I'll share it with you:

Only in Baltimore...

Got home tonight and there's a drunk passed out on my neighbor's steps, and nobody knows him. So my neighbor calls 311 to have the police come get him.

Well, when the cop pulls up, there are three people walking down the alley with open 40's. And no paper bags. Literally right as the cop pulls up.

So we pointed the cop a couple of doors down to the drunk on the steps. The cop runs him off, and goes back to writing citations for the three drunks from the alley. He asks one for ID, and the guy reaches into his pocket an pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the cop.

Yeah, it's his processing papers from being released from the Balt city detention center this morning.

Seriously, where else in America?

I don't really have anything to add. That pretty much speaks for itself. I will say though I think I'm going to end the negativity with this post, Baltimore has a bad enough reputation, they don't need my help. And it really isn't that bad, maybe next week I'll have Baltimore Is Awesome! week and highlight some good things. Probably not though.

Poop

2009-06-03T15:07:00.001Z

I grew up with a lot of animals; there were countless combinations of cats, dogs, hamsters, and fish throughout the years. Once we even found a giant parrot perched on our gutter and had it for like a week until we found the owner. I mention this to say that I have a lot of experience with the bodily fluids of pets. I’ve walked through a puddle of cat piss on my way to the bathroom in the morning. I’ve been tackled into a pile of dog poop while playing football in the yard. I’ve had a lot of disgusting things happen to me in regards to animal urine and feces.

I also grew up at the beach. If you haven’t been shit on by a seagull then you haven’t spent enough time near the ocean.

The point is I have experience with a lot of disgusting stuff and with experience comes a certain tolerance. This morning though I narrowly averted what would have been the most vile, revolting thing of my life.

The route from my parking garage to the office in the morning is like the perfect storm for bums. There’s the Goodwill headquarters which has a soup kitchen, the longest, creepiest alley in the city, and there’s always steam rising from the gutters so the sidewalk is like 15 degrees warmer than anywhere else in the city at night. I know if I was homeless that’s where I’d post up. As such I routinely have to tiptoe around a few dudes still enjoying their beauty rest on the sidewalk.

This morning though, I noticed no homeless people. So I’m sauntering along and I glance down just as my right foot plants on the sidewalk centimeters from a giant, soft, messy turd. It was repulsive, and I thought to myself, “It’s really an asshole move to not pick up after your dog.” Then I got a better look and noticed that this definitely did not come from a dog. It was most certainly human poop. Let me repeat that: HUMAN POOP! In the middle of the fucking sidewalk! And I nearly stepped in it. The breeze from my walking probably stirred up poo particles that are now on my shoe.

I know what you’re thinking, how can you even be sure it was man poop. Well, I’m no poopoligist or anything, but that was a rather large piece of shit and last I checked there are no bears, or moose, or any other large wild animals roaming the sidewalks of downtown Baltimore. Well there is the occasional cougar but I doubt they ever poop on the sidewalk (www.instantrimshot.com).

When I finally stopped dry heaving I got to thinking about things. At what point does one reach the level of depravity where they’re just popping a squat and letting fly in the middle of the sidewalk? I mean, assuming it’s late and nothing with a bathroom is open, couldn’t you find a park with some bushes or at least go in the conveniently placed alley that you were less than ten feet away from? I figure you have to be pretty messed up to go on the sidewalk. Then I started to feel bad for the rogue shitter. Things can’t be going very well for him if he’s been reduced this level. But still, clean up your shit dude, I don’t want to step in that.

A Word of Advice...

2009-06-02T16:42:00.003Z

This morning I started following a Baltimore crime watch on Twitter. Good lord what a mistake that was. If you live in the city do not do this. Within an hour of following them I learned that 2 woman were the victims of "serious aggravated assault (cutting)" on the 2600 block of Madison Avenue, a man was shot in the leg on the 1000 block of Comet Street, and the was a "suspicious death" on the 1900 block of Mosher Street.

To recap: that's two stabbings, a shooting, and a mystery death. Today.

If I don't unfollow this page soon I'm going to end up locked in the corner of my bedroom, rocking back and forth in the fetal position holding a baseball bat, with a little pee dribbling out every time I here a noise.

********UDPATE********

Baltimore: We're awesome at murdering

Things I Think About...

2009-05-28T18:04:00.001Z

Here are some things I thought about today:

-- You know how you know when it’s springtime in Baltimore? When the entire city smells like rotting fish after a storm. I don’t know what causes it but I do that rain stirs up some of the foulest smelling shit you can imagine. It makes being outside somewhat unpleasant.

-- I had lunch at 5 Guys today. If you’ve ever been there you know how they handle their ordering system, you order, you get a number, when your order is ready, they call that number. Pretty simple right? You also know that they only make one thing: cheeseburgers. Which makes the process even more simple. So can someone please explain to me how they get up to order number 72 before making my order, number 58? How is that even possible? How do 14 people get there order before mine? I know what they ordered, cheeseburgers. So how the f could my cheeseburger possibly take 20 minutes longer to make then the cheeseburger ordered directly before and after me? I’m not a mathematician, and I’ve never worked in the food service industry, but something tells me you have to have a whole team of idiots working the kitchen to get things that screwed up.

-- Is it acceptable to wear hideous shoes if it’s for a good cause? For every purchase made Tom’s Shoes gives a pair to a needy child in some third world country. I know; that’s awesome right? Here’s the problem: they really are pretty awful. I sort of hate them but at the same time I kind of love them. And really, if anyone can make it work I can so maybe I’ll just get some. Plus I’ll feel good about myself when I wear them knowing that some little kid out there is wearing ugly shoes also because of me.

That is all, have a nice day. And if you’re in Baltimore don’t breathe to deeply.

He's on Fire...

2009-05-26T14:14:00.000Z

I just now realized that it has been two and a half weeks since I lasted posted anything on the blog. I didn’t even notice this, sorry about that. I have a good excuse though, its springtime. There’s been too much roof deck, and pool, and happy hour, and baseball games. To blog means I would have to come inside and not enjoy the beautiful weather. Although that is slightly counterintuitive, a more active lifestyle leads to less blogging. You’d think it would be the other way around. Anyway, to make it up to you I’ve decide to regale you with a story about how badass I am.

Over the weekend I got in an argument with some friends. The general thesis of the argument being that baseball is a more difficult sport to play than basketball. Obviously I was on the side of baseball. The argument became mildly heated (not heated in the, we’re about to come to blows sense, but heated in the, we’re talking way too loud in the bar sense. Because I mean really who gets in fights) for several reasons. The first be because we were drunk, which is a given, does anyone really argue about these types of things sober? Because we were drunk there was no resolution to argument simply because we were disputing two separate points. I was arguing that there is more skill involved in hitting and fielding a baseball and they were arguing that basketball players are more athletic, which was not the point of the disagreement. The main gist of the argument was that I was clearly right, and they were clearly wrong, but refused to accept this fact. I find this to be pretty common in arguments that I’m in, I’m always right and no one will just acknowledge that. And that is why my arguments never die, because f that, I refuse to lose, especially when I’m right. Which is most of the time.

The fight raged on until they bet me $100 that I couldn’t make 25 out of 100 three pointers. Bear in mind that I haven’t played basketball in years, and shooting a basketball is not at all like riding a bike. It’s one of those things that, the more you shoot, the better you are, but like I said, I don’t like to lose an argument so I had no choice but to take the bet.

The saying goes that there are only two certainties in life, but I’m adding a third one: death, taxes, and I’m awesome. I won with 30 shots to spare thus proving my point that basketball is easier. Here is the question though, I need to gloat, what can I buy with their $100 that will sufficiently taunt them?

Twitter is ruining my storytelling ability...

2009-05-08T18:06:00.002Z

Homeless guy threatened to kill me for smiling and then a dog tried bite me.

What fuck is happening today?

Dogs usually love me. And homeless people. I'm disturbed.

Thats all I got.

Save Gate 2

2009-05-07T14:52:00.003Z

I don't really talk much about sports on this blog. Mainly because the majority of my life is consumed with sports so it's nice to not have it invade everything I do. And I also believe, as I've mentioned before I'm sure, that there a lot of people who do it better than myself*. I have mention though that I am a Yankees fan (commence hating me..... now). As such I obviously have an opinion on the new stadium**, which I won't get into because it's there are just to many layers and I'm far to lazy to spend the time it take to make that post coherent.

I just want to mention that I think this is a really cool idea and I hope they can make it happen. Seeing as I'm the type that watches a movie like Saving Private Ryan and thinks more about what a tragedy it is that all of those old buildings in France were destroyed than the war going on I think it's safe to say I like the idea of preserving history. I also love monuments, no matter what they are commemorating. Who doesn't.

I can already hear the complaints about the Yankees and New York City using even more tax payer money to preserve part of a stadium that shouldn't have been torn down in the first place, but f that, in 10 years those same people will be talking about how nice it is to have an attractive element making a nice park so distinct in one of the shittiest neighborhoods in America.

*Not many though, actually writing about sports is right in my wheelhouse and I'm probably better at that than anything else I do, but whatever, I don't want a sports blog.

**I don't like, but I'll reserve full judgement until I actually go there in July.

Hola

2009-05-05T13:52:00.001Z

Remember that post I wrote a few weeks ago about St. Patricks day? The one that drew a small bit of ire?

Well ditto for Cinco de Mayo.

FU May

2009-05-04T16:28:00.000Z

This is bullshit May, get it together.

www.nataliedee.com

Nature

2009-04-27T17:33:00.001Z

Since the weather in the Greater Baltimore Area was so glorious this weekend I did a little bit of hiking. I went to a local state park that I did not know existed until Saturday. I climbed a few rocks. Took in the majesty of a waterfall or two. Perhaps I waded through the rapids of a stream. You know, nature stuff.

While walking on a particularly woodsy trail I came across a family. Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter, Grandma, and Friend of Daughter. Oh, and there was a cockapoo loving life chasing squirrels and such. I thought, how delightful, I like to see a family bonding together through glorious scenery. Upon further inspection I noticed that the Dad had a garbage bag. And the two little girls were running around picking up old cases of beer and soda cans and whatever else happened to be lying around. I was stunned. Who does that? An entire family gave up there Saturday to clean up the park.

It makes me happy to know that there are better people than myself doing good deeds. Cause God knows that’s a little too much to ask of me.

Ninjas

2009-04-23T14:56:00.001Z

No, no, no, you’re doing it all wrong.

First of all, I’m pretty sure a ninja would not rob a convenience store; they’re a little too cunning for petty theft. Plus I’m pretty sure they’re purpose is assassinations, not robbing a gas station for $60. Secondly, it defeats the entire purpose of being a ninja if you’re just going to take your mask off. They wear masks for a reason, it’s called stealth dumbass. And a ninja wouldn’t run from the police, they would just blend into the potato chip aisle and become invisible (although a real ninja wouldn’t have to run from the police, they never would have been seen in the first place, remember the whole stealth thing). Lastly, ninjas don’t ask for anything, they just kill people and take it, get right idiot.

This guy clearly flunked out of ninja school after like two weeks. Maybe he needs to do a little more ninja research.

Seriously though, how awesome is this guy? I can just imagine his thought process:

“Bro, I’m totally out of crystal meth and I don’t have any money or a job. What am I going to do? (Light bulb flashes over head) I know, ninjas are awesome and everyone is scared of them right? I’ll dress in all black and take my samurai sword to the dry cleaners and they’ll just hand over the cash. Bro, I am wicked smaaaaaaaaaht.”

This is sort of like dressing up in your Darth Vader costume and tried to hold up a McDonalds with a toy light saber.

Nice Try Virus

2009-04-21T15:22:00.000Z

I never get sick. I really can’t remember the last time I had even a minor illness. I mean, I have a terrible memory so it could have been a few months ago, but I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure it’s been a few years. It’s a fact I like to gloat about often.* My roommate is the complete opposite, he’s always sick, and I rub his face in it whenever possible.

In early February I went skiing with a bunch of people one of whom had some sort of virus that spread to almost everyone there. Everyone but me. These are the instances that validate my awesomeness at not getting sick. And again I took that as an opportunity to revel in my own glory.

That is why I was so thrown off yesterday morning when I woke up with the worst sore throat ever. I’m mildly certain that someone took a cheese grater to my vocal chords. Then I started to get achy throughout the day. I thought it might have been a chink in the armor. Was I actually going to have to take some sort of over the counter medicine? I never take medication, it invalidates my whole existence. I decided to ride it out for a night and see how I felt in the morning. And you’ll be happy to know that I feel totally better. You can stop panicking and return to your normal lives. My immune system is a total badass.

*Like how I can start the first 5 sentences of a paragraph with the letter I. I never cease to amaze myself.

Arrrgh?

2009-04-17T11:29:00.001Z

There is a pirate festival in Fells Point this weekend. Would it be too racist if I dressed up in black face and went as a Somali pirate?

Trying Times

2009-04-14T17:52:00.002Z

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. Have you ever just had one of those days that you can barely handle because it’s so full of misery and sorrow? It doesn’t happen to me very often but yesterday was one of those days. I was only just holding back tears most of the afternoon.

It all started when I watched a video of Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent. If you don’t get a little misty watching that then you might want to check for a soul, because I don’t think you have one. That crazy ass lady has the voice of an angel.

Then I got home from work and Rudy was on TV. I’m pretty certain that over the last decade I’ve dealt with more anguish over this movie than any of my relationships combined. “Who’s the wild man now?” It gets me every time.

As if that wasn’t enough during a commercial break in Rudy they aired one of those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan. How can you not get choked up by all those dogs and cats with the missing limbs and the crusty eyes? It’s just a lot to take.

On top of all that the Yankees got beat so bad an outfielder had to pitch. Way to pile it on God.

I’m actually pretty shocked I was able to get out of bed today. Clearly I have a lot more inner strength than I thought.

A List

2009-04-13T15:43:00.001Z

In the engineering world we sometimes use weird phrases. Without further ado:

A Brief List of Terms I’ve Heard Around the Office That Can Be Construed as Vaguely and/or Blatantly Sexual:

-Load rating
-Erection
-Con Box
-Jack Off
-Reverse Cowgirl*

*That one wasn’t work related.

Twitter Me This...

2009-04-08T18:32:00.001Z

The other day I was discussing Twitter with a friend and I think we had similar feelings on the subject. I simply don’t understand the point of it at all.

I know I’m fairly late on this bandwagon and it’s probably been talked about ad nauseam but I’m sure there are 3 or 4 people who read this blog that don’t know what it is so I’ll give a brief explanation. All it is a website where you send 140 character maximum messages, or “tweets”, to people who “follow” your Twitter page. And those “followers” can reply to your “tweets”. It’s basically Facebook, stripped of everything but your status updates, only you can make it completely public to anyone. It’s like having a set email contact list in which to send all your inane thoughts and I really don’t get it.

I understand the irony of someone who writes a blog about the excruciating minutia of his everyday life being perplexed by this phenomenon but I just don’t comprehend why people are into this. At least in a blog post I have more than 140 characters to formulate an idea, complete a thought and attempt (usually in vain) to be somewhat funny or intelligent. I generally agree with the adage brevity is the soul of wit, but this is taking it to a new level. I kind of feel like the evolution of social networking sites coincides with the devolution of conversation and literature. Why bother actually talking to friends when you can just follow their tweets? And who needs to read when you can get all your information from the CNN twitter page? Never mind that there is barely room for a grammar and punctuation in 140 characters much less the ability to tell a full story.

I’m not one to write something off without giving it a chance though, so in the name of science I’m creating my own account. Who knows, maybe there are some unknown aspects that make it super awesome. Maybe I can get more friends involved and it actually becomes enjoyable. We’ll see. If you are into twitter yourself, and you feel so inclined, you can follow me here. Get ready for a lot of “tweets” about Kate from Lost or about how many beers I’ve had on any particular night. It should be pretty riveting.

Play Ball...

2009-04-06T15:01:00.002Z

It's Opening Day, one of the best days of the year. I could wax poetic for a few thousands words on how metaphorical it is that it's raining in Baltimore right now but the storm is forecasted to break right before the first pitch. You know winter and all and baseball representing the hopefulness of spring. I mean, no one can romanticize baseball like me. Except for maybe Bob Costas. But I'm not going to do that because I have tickets to the game and I'm excited so I think I'm going to leave work early and get a beer or 8 and not write anything today. Here's a something about Opening Day instead*, go Yankees:

Opening DayGenesis.

BY GLENN BIRKEMEIER
- - - -
In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it was without form, and void. God separated the dirt from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this Fair Territory. All other territory, God then declared, was Foul.

And God divided the players into two teams of nine players each, under direction of a manager, to play The Game on His field. God called some of these players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a Pitcher precisely 60 feet 6 inches from a Hitter. Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ol' Ballgame.

And God granted jurisdiction of The Game to lesser Gods, whom He called Umpires. God said the Umpires are infallible, blessed with Heavenly authority, whose judgment is not to be questioned under penalty of expulsion from The Game. And God looked at his creation and He was pleased. Then God created the Infield Fly Rule to confuse nonbelievers.

And God said, Let there be light beer, and there was. And, God said, let there be peanuts and hot dogs and overpriced souvenirs and let there be frosty chocolate malts with little wooden spoons that you can buy nowhere else except at this Heaven, which God called a Ballpark, and there was. God looked at His creation and it was good.

And the Lord God formed, from the dust, a collection of elite players in His own image. The Lord God then breathed the breath of life into His creation. God called this creation the National League.

And God said, It is not good for the National League to be alone. The Lord God shall make it a mate. And thus, while the National League slept, God took several of its top players and created the American League.

And God blessed The Game, saying, Be fruitful and multiply. Put teams in every city with deserving fans, God added, even if this occurs at the expense of starting-pitching depth.

From time to time, God understood, The Game would be corrupted by the Serpent. The Serpent was more cunning than any other beast and he would take many wicked forms: the Black Sox, segregation, the Designated Hitter, the Reserve Clause, dead balls, juiced balls, spit balls, corked bats, George Steinbrenner, AstroTurf, the 1981 strike, collusion, lockouts, Pete Rose, the 1994 strike, greenies, cocaine, HGH, Andro, steroids, $20 parking, corporate mallparks, Scott Boras, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig.

But, God said, the goodness in The Game shall always prevail. As needed, the Lord shall bestow upon The Game a Savior. And the Savior, like the Serpent, can take many forms. The Savior shall remind Fans how blessed The Game truly is. The Savior shall be called by many names, including Cy, Matty, Honus, Big Train, the Babe, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Lou Gehrig, Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, Buck O'Neil, Hank Greenberg, Red Barber, Harry Carey, Vin Scully, Jack Buck, Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck, Roberto Clemente, Ernie Banks, Hammerin' Hank, Cool Papa, Dizzy, Lefty, Whitey, Stan the Man, Big Klu, the Say Hey Kid, Campy, Duke, the Mick, the Splendid Splinter, the Gas House Gang, the Big Red Machine, the Damn Yankees, Pudge Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yaz, Pops, the Wizard of Oz, Fernando, George Brett, Moonlight Graham, Roy Hobbs, Wild Thing Vaughn, Bingo Long, the Ryan Express, Donnie Baseball, Rickey, Eck, the Big Unit, the Cactus League, Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn, Camden Yards, Rotisserie Drafts, Web Gems, Derek Jeter, Dontrelle Willis, Vlad Guerrero, and, from the Far East, Ichiro. And, God guaranteed, there are many more to come.

God looked upon His creation and He was very pleased. And God spoke, yelling, PLAY BALL!

*And Easter is coming up. Topical, sort of. Not really actually. Pretend this footnote isn't here.

April Fool's Day

2009-04-01T14:40:00.003Z

I spent a good portion of last night (at least 4 minutes) trying to think of a good April Fool’s Day joke that I could use as post today. It is a lot harder than you would think. I couldn’t come up with anything all that isn’t either so obviously fake that it wouldn’t fool anyone, or too insensitive to actually be funny. I thought about carrying yesterdays posts into today and saying that I did end up getting laid off, but I don’t think that would be appropriate considering almost 750,000 people lost their jobs last month. Plus that would be tempting fate; I don’t need any bad karma. A friend of mine said I should tell everyone I have cancer. So he wins the award for the least funny April Fool’s Day joke ever.

In the end I gave up trying to be clever and fool anyone, instead I’m just going to post a picture of David Ortiz to show how much he looks like Florida from Good Times.

Suck on that Red Sox fans.

My Apparent Storage Facility

2009-03-31T14:53:00.001Z

When I got to work this morning there was a hand truck in my cubicle. I have no idea who put it there. But combine that with the box someone left in my cubicle last Thursday and I started to get a bit of an uneasy feeling. It would lead one to believe that these are not so subtle hints about my job security. If there is some sort of release form on my desk tomorrow I’m not going to be happy at all.

Of course then I started looking around and realized that there is a clipboard on my desk that is not mine. And a set of plans for a job I’ve never worked on. Basically people are just dropping their shit on my desk because it’s at the end of a row and they’re too lazy to put things where they belong. My cubicle has apparently become a storage facility, document control, and a trash can all in one. I might have to set up some surveillance, and if I catch the culprit there is going to be hell to pay. By hell obviously I mean that all my future trash and recycling is going on their desk, trust me you want no part of that*.

*It’s actually obscene how much paper I go through in a week at work. I’m personally responsible for the destruction of hundreds of old growth forests in the northwest.

Reasons Why I Might Be Moving to the Suburbs Sooner Than Expected

2009-03-30T15:24:00.002Z

Here is a fun story, fortunately I wasn’t home for this encounter so I’m relaying it to you as told to me by my roommate:

While lying in bed he hears the doorknob rattling then a banging on the door. He goes downstairs to investigate and a woman, who by appearances seems to be homeless and/or a drug addict (possibly inaccurate, but sometimes you can judge a book by its cover), sees him through the stained glass window and starts pounding on the door. The following conversation ensues*:

Crazed Woman: Open the door!
Aaron: No.
CW: I’m being chased, let me in.
Aaron: I’m not opening the door.
CW: Can you give me an old pair of tennis shoes or something?
Aaron: I’m not doing that.
CW: Call the cops.
Aaron: Gladly (already on the phone with them)

Once it had been established the cops had been called she left and tried to open the doors of all the other houses on our block. A few minutes later he heard sirens and poked his head out of the door and saw 2 ambulances and paramedics attending to someone two blocks north of our house.

If the ambulances were not on the scene for the same woman then it was an amazing coincidence so I’m going to assume it was her. And if it was her there are really only two scenarios I can envision in which she would need an ambulance.

1. She was hit by a car crossing O’Donnell Street (which, for you people not familiar with Baltimore, is a two lane street but one of the more heavily traffic roads through the neighborhood).

2. She really was being chased and whoever was chasing her caught her and accomplished there goal.

Obviously this is all speculation (I couldn’t find a story about it on any local websites) either way though it makes me pretty uncomfortable for numerous reasons. You never want to see any sort of crime your neighborhood, nor do you ever want to see someone injured or killed in a tragic accident. I also find it to be a little upsetting that we live in a society so untrusting, and a city with so much crime, that when a woman seems to be in peril you can’t actually believe her enough to help. I would have done the exact same thing in my roommate’s situation. My first thought would not have been this person clearly needs help. I would have immediately thought this is some kind of scheme to get me to unlock the door so I can be bum rushed by 5 guys in the alley and have all of my stuff stolen. That seems wrong, but that’s the way it is around here. Especially considering some friends opened their door a few months ago to find a woman with a couple of bullets in her head.

Baltimore has a certain reputation for safety (or lack thereof) around the country. It’s probably a deserved reputation considering there were over 230 murders last year; and that represents a significant decrease in the murder rate. The statistics are a little deceiving though. If you look at this map you’ll notice that the murders are fairly segregated to the north and west portions of the city. If you live anywhere in the vicinity of the harbor you’re generally safe. There weren’t even many robberies or burglaries. But it seems like lately criminals have been getting wise to the fact that there is less of a police presence and no police cameras, and if you’re planning on killing someone you have a better chance of not being witnessed if you drive 10 minutes south and do it there. Two incidents hardly make a pattern but if this rate picks up it’s going to expedite my migration to the suburbs. Especially if my mom reads this post.

*I’m paraphrasing obviously, I wasn’t there.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2009-03-24T17:50:00.005Z

Remember channel surfing? I do. Before the advent of digital cable, when you only had 30 or 40 channels, I would flip through all the channels endlessly until I found something to watch. I could go through all the channels 4 or 5 times before finally settling on something. My mom hated it, she would always yell at me, “just find something and leave it dammit,” but it didn’t bother me in the least. It’s a generational thing I would imagine. I mean, when she was growing up she only had 3 or 4 channels to choose from so I could see how this would drive her insane. The only other way to find something to watch back then though was to look in the TV listings that came in the Sunday paper every week and that’s sort of like reading, which ruins TV.

Thankfully we don’t have to worry about this anymore; if you have cable then you have the accompanying guide, which is less like reading because it’s reading the TV, so it’s ok. No more channel flipping. Just push a button, find something to watch and watch it, everyone’s happy. You even get a brief synopsis of every program to make the choice easier for you.

That last feature is fairly useless to me but I still appreciate their benefit. I don’t watch a ton of TV* and what I do watch I already know when and where it can be found. And if I do branch out from my comfort zone to watch a movie or something I usually have an idea of what that movie is about and if I want to bother watching it or not. Occasionally though, when I’m really bored and there’s nothing else going on, I come across a random movie summary that just seems so outrageous there’s no way I could turn away. For example, I was searching through last week and saw this:

The Number One Girl – (2005) Tony Schiena, Vinnie Jones. Carnage ensues when a gangster asks a martial artist to judge a beauty pageant

What the what? How could I not watch that? I mean I couldn’t even begin to imagine how all of those plot points could come together to make a coherent movie. And I have to tell you guys, it was terrible, and I wouldn’t give back a second of that time. There are bad movies, and then there are movies so terrible and wrought with unintentional comedy that you can’t turn away. I’m not even going to tell you about it because I don’t want to ruin for you.

Later that same week I came across this:

MVP: Most Valuable Primate – (2000) A deaf girl befriends a runaway chimp who plays hockey.

Again an amazing summary, although this one did not deliver the goods, it was just the normal kind of bad. When the best actor in a movie is a chimpanzee it’s never a good sign. That chimp could seriously emote though; he was acting his ass off.

*Technically this isn’t true, my TV is almost always on when I’m home, but more often than not it’s just background noise while I’m reading things on the internet or I’m watching sports. Neither of which count in my definition of “watching TV”.

Happy Mustache Day!

2009-03-23T13:14:00.003Z

It's the happiest day of the year: Mustache Day! Everyone go find the guy in your office in his mid to late forties or early fifties* and tell him you love his mustache and approve of his mustache lifestyle.

Also go here this afternoon and vote for your favorite mustache.

* How come if you grew up in the 60's or 70's you look totally normal with a mustache but I look like a complete idiot. It's so weird.

Brotherly Hate

2009-03-18T12:32:00.002Z

I learned another pretty important life lesson this weekend, which I'll get to later, but for now I'm switching things up on the blog a little bit to complain about something. I know, I know. The reason you all come here is to read about all my positivity but please, indulge me this one time. It will just be a short rant then I can get back to puppies and rainbows.

I hate Philadelphia. I always have. My hatred is pretty irrational and based on almost nothing, but when have emotions ever been based on rational anyway? If I hate something based on sports teams, a bunch of douche bags I've met*, and the fact that certain portions of the city seem to reek of urine constantly that's just how I roll. Needless to say I was less then enthused to find out I had to head up there this week. So imagine how out felt when returning to my car to leave the city I dislike so much to find a giant dent in the drivers side door that did not exist upon my arrival in Philly. Actually you don't have to imagine because I'll tell you. I was fucking homicidal. Mere hatred has shifted to utter loathing and abhorrence. I know what you're thinking, "but Eric it's just a dent, and that could happen in any parking garage in any city in America." You're right and if it happened anywhere else I would just think, that unfortunate, I guess I have to get the fixed. But it happend in Philadamndelphia so instead of being calm I wanted to burn the whole city down. I told it was irrational.

*Some very good friends of my are also from Philly and the surrounding area but I don't let that fact cloud my decision to hate the city.

Disillusions..

2009-03-12T15:18:00.001Z

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a creature of habit, but like anyone else I do have certain routines. Things become so routine, in fact, that they are almost second nature. I do something the exact same way everyday without even realizing. It’s subconscious. For example, I don’t think I’m alone in the fact that I dry off after a shower the exact same way daily. Head, torso, arms, back, legs. I never think about it, but I always do it that way. It makes perfect sense. Water flows down, thanks to gravity and all, so I go from top to bottom. You may have a different order of operations but I’m sure you stick to that order. But every once in a while do you find yourself doing it wrong, getting out of order, and think what the f has gone wrong in my life that I’m drying off my legs before my arms?

Ok, that might be a bit of an overreaction but I’m still thrown off my game for a while afterwards.

PS: Unrelated to this subject, but thanks to DC Blogs and Washington Post Express for picking up my last post, the bump in traffic is always fun. But seriously, only 3 comments? I mean, we can’t even get like, I don’t know, 2% of the readers to leave a comment. Step up your game people. Or maybe it’s me who needs to step it up on the subject matter. I mean, this isn’t exactly riveting material. Who knows.

A Brief Complaint

2009-03-10T12:18:00.000Z

I saw something this weekend that sort of bothered me a little. Everywhere I went I saw people dressed in green out at the bars celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. Now let’s forget that this is the national holiday of Ireland and a feast day and a holy day of obligation for Catholics there or anything of that nature. We all know that most holidays have become bastardized versions of themselves and I obviously am ok with that as much as everyone else. But do you ever see any fireworks displays in June or go trick or treating in the middle of October? No, so why is it ok to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day almost 2 weeks before the actual date? I say it’s not and I’m calling bullshit on anyone who did. People just wanted to get hammered in the afternoon and used the celebration of a holiday as an excuse to not feel like so much of a drunk. Which I think is actually insulting to the Irish. Don’t make excuses for you lifestyle; because we all know the Irish don’t need to invent a reason to drink, they just do it.

Life Lessons

2009-03-09T13:28:00.003Z

I am wise beyond my years. When you grow up in the hard scrabble suburban streets of Virginia Beach, come of age at a private Catholic college in DC, then spend most of your twenties in some of the whitest neighborhoods in Baltimore you see a lot, you're forced to grow up fast. I feel like it would be selfish to keep everything I've learned to myself. So from time to time I think I'll impart some of this wisdom onto to you, the reader, through the magic of storytelling. You're welcome.

On Saturday I woke up fairly early feeling a little better than usual. I've been trying out a new strategy the last few weeks called "Not Drinking a Million Beers on Friday Night and Ruining the Entire Weekend With a Hangover." It's been going well. So feeling rather sprightly, and Saturday being a beautiful springlike day I decided to really attack the day, make things happen. I always think a day is most properly attacked when started off with a workout, because even if you get super lazy afterwards and all you do is watch college basketball and eat Chic-Fil-A (the most likely scenario) at least you burned some calories beforehand. I threw on my running shoes and went out for a jog. About a mile and half in I wasn't feeling great (I mean, I might not have been hungover but I was still out late and all), my legs were a little heavy and I wasn't picking my feet up very high. Shortly after that thought a girl rode by me on a bike. Since I'm a guy it's impossible for me not to check out a girl in my vicinity, I glanced. A few steps later my low striding feet caught a small lip in the sidewalk and I ate it. Hard. In the street. As if that isn't embarrassing enough it happened directly across the street from a Starbucks on the first nice day of the year. There were at least 20 people sitting at cafe tables outside drinking pretentious coffee drinks who got to witness my act of unathleticism. As I walked back to my house, bleeding from at least 6 parts of my body, I couldn't help but think there was a life lesson in this somewhere.

Life Lesson #44: Don't bother exercising of trying hard; it's not worth the embarrassment.

A Work of Art

2009-03-01T16:29:00.005Z

Someone decided to draw a penis and balls on my car this morning:
To be honest, I can't even really get mad about it, that's just funny. I love the idea that a stranger was walking down the sidewalk and just the sudden inspiration to do a dick drawing. Plus it's pretty good, I mean, look at the pubic hair detail.

Brief Thoughts...

2009-02-25T13:02:00.002Z

I have a few thoughts about the Presidents address to congress last night. Of course nothing involving policy, or the stimulus bill or anything like that. That's boring (not that this won't be).

Has anyone check the Guinness Book of World Records for the most standing ovations given in an hour because Nancy Pelosi clearly got an advanced copy of the speech and decided she was going to break that record.
Hurricane Katrina:Bobby Jindal::9/11:Bush/Giuliani
Speaking of Bobby Jindal. Content aside, that was a pretty weak response. Is it really wise to follow one of the most dynamic orators in decades with a guy who speaks as if he's giving a tour of Colonial Williamsburg to a group of 4th graders.
Also, between him and Micheal Steele could it be any more obvious that the Republican party is trying to darken up a little bit before the next election.

A Light On the Horizon

2009-02-23T18:15:00.002Z

There a lot of things that make me weep for the future of America. HBO recently aired the documentary "Right America: Feeling Wronged". Alexandra Pelosi followed the McCain campaign during the most recent election to gauge conservatives emotions as it progressed. It was astonishing. The level of ignorance was bad enough, including people who feared a turn to socialism under Obama who were under able to define or even spell socialism. Or the people who were certain that he was a terrorist. That alone was worrisome, but when you add in all the racism, misplaced anger and just overall insanity I can't help but be embarassed that these people have an equal voice as everyone else. I mean there were several people, on camera, seriously comparing Barack Obama to Hitler and the Antichrist. It was really amazing. I understand that they don't represent the majority of the Replubicans, they represent the crazy constituency. I also understand that this is a one-sided view and that it wouldn't be hard to find an hours worth of cuckoo bananas democrats who think Dick Cheney ordered 9/11 so he could start a war. They don't make me very happy either. The more I think about it the more I wonder if voting really should be a right. I'm thinking there should be some sort of aptitude test. That's probably a terrible idea, forget I said anything.

I'm also a little concerned about the person who stumbled upon my blog by searching for "floyd landis ready to be an american badass" in Google. That made me sad. Although I'm not sure what is more alarming, that someone is actually executing that search, or that my blog is the #2 result of that search on the entire internet. I don't like it either way.

It's not all bad though. Just when I think our future is too bleak to stand I come across something that brings me unending joy:

see more pwn and owned pictures

When someone comes across a broken down brick wall and thinks, "this would be the perfect place for the Kool-Aid man," I have hope for this country afterall.

The Most Unlikely Sausage Fest Ever

2009-02-17T20:25:00.000Z

You run into a lot of odd office scenarios working in the engineering field. It’s only natural, I work with a bunch of nerds and nerds are awkward. I’ve been with my company for almost 4 years now. I would estimate that I’ve been to the bathroom about 2000 times in those 4 years, and the same guy is in the bathroom no less than 80% of the time. At first I thought we were just on the same pee schedule, so I switched it up and he was still there almost every time. I decided to keep tabs on his bathroom use for a few days and realized he averaged going to the bathroom 18 times a day. How insane is that? You’re probably thinking it’s a bladder control issue or something similar. It’s not. He’s just one of those really crazy type of nerds who has weird, weird habits. In fact, that’s an entire post I’ll save for another day. There is another guy who has worn the same pair of pants for at least the last six months. One of my coworkers recently proposed to a Russian woman he met over the internet. He got a real Russian pride! My point is nerds are bizarre so bizarre things happen in my office. What happened today was certainly an original though.

A guy came by my desk shortly after lunch to invite me to a small gathering in the conference room. It was a baby shower for Yan who is about 100 months pregnant and going on maternity leave soon. Baby showers aren’t really my jam, but there was cake and what kind of asshole turns out free cake? So I went. Plus I love Yan, she’s the best. She is perhaps the biggest Asian stereotype I’ve ever encountered. She’s a Chinese woman in her late 20’s with Hello Kitty crap plastered all over her cubicle. I’m not joking. How could you not want to be around that as much as possible?

I walk down to the conference room to ~~eat free cake~~ celebrate the impending birth and when I get there I notice something kind of weird. There are about 25 people there and Yan is literally the only woman. What the f. When in recorded human history has there ever been a baby shower with a 24:1 male to female ratio?

I need a new job.

Super Bowl

2009-01-29T17:02:00.003Z

Well, I don't care about either teams in the Super Bowl. But I love the Super Bowl. So I don't have any other options. Gambling it is!

Just Because

2009-01-28T16:31:00.003Z

Chronicling the minutiae of everyday life and molding it into an entertaining 500-1000 word post is not that easy. It takes a lot of effort, which frankly isn’t one of my strongest attributes. That’s why, despite my obvious and considerable talents, I can barely muster more than two posts a week. But I also have legions of fans to appease so I’m going to break out everyone’s favorite ~~super lazy~~ blogging style: Bullet points!

Occasionally something comes along and enriches your life in ways you didn’t even know were possible. It’s like a void that you weren’t aware of is filled with joy. That happened to me recently when I was introduced to my new favorite blog ever (thank you Jessie). I never knew how much I needed a guy berating cute animals in my life until I had it, now I don’t think I could live with out it.

On a similar note: sometimes you don’t realize a need for something until it’s too late. For example, say you haven’t had a car in a couple of years. Then you buy one and a few months later an ice storm hits. That’s when you realize you could use an ice scraper. This is a problem when your car is frozen in a block of ice like a woolly mammoth. Luckily I’m an engineer so I reek of ingenuity; these instances are my time to shine. I used a spatula, it was brilliant. Basically I’ve made the ice scraper completely obsolete.

There are things that make me sad and there are things that make depressed. The fact that Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the #1 movie in America three weeks in a row falls into both of those categories.

See, I probably could have made three individual posts out of those but who has the time when TV has been so good lately. Maybe I’ll write about that.

The Gambler

2009-01-14T18:00:00.001Z

To me there really is nothing more glorious than waking up on a weekend morning with nothing to do and doing just that. Laying around all morning drifting in and out of sleep, catching up on your Tivo then rolling out of bed at the crack of noon. That’s living if you ask me and that’s exactly how I spent last Sunday. About midmorning I started to get a little bored though, not bored enough to actually get up and do something with my life mind you, but bored none the less. Occasionally in cases of extreme doldrums such as this I’ll turn to online poker. There are free tournaments you can play in that I’ll use just to pass the time when I have nothing better to do. When I logged on to the poker site though I noticed that I had $5 in my account. SCORE! From time to time the poker Gods will give you free money to encourage you to deposit more of your own money to lose to them. Trust me, it’s effective. Anyway, I was pretty pumped to be able to play with real, free money instead of fake money. In the last two days I’ve turned that $5 into several hundred dollars, because I’m good at poker. I don’t say this to brag, it’s not that impressive, it just got me thinking.

I’ve spent the first half of this week working outside doing more bridge inspections. It’s terrible; you might have noticed it’s been a brutally cold week. I still can’t feel my toes. I can already see what I’m going to be thinking about tomorrow. I mean after I get over the thoughts about how I didn’t pay $130,000 for college to hang out underneath of bridge while my balls freeze off. I’ll be thinking, in two days I was able to take $5 and turn it into almost as much money as I will make the first two days of this work week doing something fun instead of doing something awful. Why would I not just quit my job and gamble for a living. And inevitably my mind would drift off to what my life would be like as a professional online poker player. Here’s a hint, it involves a wireless connection, a pool, and spreadsheets.

Why don’t I do it you ask? Well I’m really not as good as I imply first of all. Secondly, it’s stupid and impractical. I mean, you probably won’t be surprised to know that $130,000 in schooling comes with some pretty massive student loans.

So what’s the moral of this story? Sometimes I daydream about what I’m going to daydream about in advance.

Seriously...

2009-01-13T00:55:00.003Z

I don't even care how this looks. This goes against everything my blog is about but I'm posting it anyway. Mostly because I didn't have anything else today, but also because this is the cutest f'ing thing I've ever seen in my life, and I'm enriching your life by sharing:

I can't even handle looking at that it's so fucking adorable. It's so cute that I want to get a kitten and then break it's leg so I can have one of my own. What?

Where's The Fire?

2009-01-07T15:22:00.001Z

Like most people who work in large office buildings I try to ignore fire alarms as long as possible. When an alarm sounds everyone just sort of mills around until enough people have decided to take it seriously that everyone leaves. I work on the 25th floor and there is no way in hell I’m walking down that many flights of stairs unless there is a grave emergency.

Unlike most people I like to get into work early. Mainly so that I can leave early, I enjoy the fact that I’m already home from the gym by the time most people are leaving work. The added bonus is that I get to fart around for an hour or hour and a half before most of the office starts showing up to work. It’s great, I don’t get why everyone who can do this doesn’t. I mean I’ve figured out a way to work a normal 9 hours, be home by quarter after 4, and really only actually do 5 or 6 hours of work a day. It’s genius really.

There is however, one instance when these two ideas conflict. When the fires alarm goes off at 7:20 in the morning it happens for a reason one would assume. They don’t run fire drills when there are only 12 people in the building. Not wanting to die in a blazing tower inferno myself and the 2 other people in the office at the time evacuated. Walking down 25 flights is not the ideal way to start the morning though so we decided to ignore all safety precautions and take the elevator. Well the elevators weren’t working, perhaps some sort of automatic shut off when the alarm goes off, so we had to take the stairs. Eventually we make it to the bottom. At this point I was pretty tired and pissed off so if there wasn’t a roaring fire I was not going to be happy.

So what caused the alarm to sound? The elevators weren’t working. So not only did we unnecessarily walk down the steps from the top of a 300 foot building, the elevators were broken and we couldn’t use them to get back up.

Dammit.

Happy New Year? The Jury is Still Out

2009-01-05T16:38:00.000Z

Things got pretty weird there on New Year’s Eve didn’t they? They did, you’re going to have to trust me on that one. I’m not going to get too into it because, well, I’m just not. If I wrote about all the dumb things I did under the influence than it would consume all of my time. While I’m sure it would provide endless entertainment to the readers, I unfortunately have a job so I’ll keep it to myself, and of course all those who bear witness. Anyway, the culmination of the weirdness took place in my bedroom at the end of the night, whenever that was. The result of which was to wake up Thursday morning to find that my closet door (which was already kind of broken) has fallen off the tracks into my wall, ripping the light switch clean off. It was quite a scene. I also noticed in the mess that I had managed to remove a blazer, sweater, dress shirt, and under shirt all at the same time. They wear completely intact in a ball on my fall as if I had just jumped out of my clothes in one move. It was amazing. I may or may not turn into Superman after my 11th or 12th vodka tonic, but that’s another story.

Consequently I had to replace the light switch in my bedroom*. Now, I’m fairly handy around the house (you can smell my super manly pheromones from there can’t you?), but I’m no Ty Pennington. Except that sometimes I get a little serious and misty when thinking about all the hardships those families on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition have had to endure (See: manly). Anyway, it’s a pretty easy process; the only issue is that it includes electricity. I have no business being around electricity. Once when I was around 8 or 9 I tried to unplug the dryer and ended up getting shot across the laundry room and my left arm turned black.

I managed to restore the light switch to working order (with the exception of the light and fans switches working in reverse) but I feel like I’m not out of the woods yet. Let’s all just hope that I don’t kick off 2009 with a tragic electrical fire. If so I might need to borrow some pants, I don’t have a closet door to shield my clothes from the flames.

*Never under estimate the importance of light. Getting dressed with only the TV to illuminate things is difficult.

Tis the Season...

2008-12-24T14:51:00.001Z

Merry Christmas!

The Bromance is Dead...

2008-12-17T19:05:00.001Z

On occasion you run across a person who claims to have lived a life without regret. They will throw out a bunch of old clichés like everything happens for a reason, or whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and claim that they would change nothing. I personally don’t believe any of that garbage for a second; though even if I did I certainly would never consider myself one of those people. I’ve done plenty of regrettable things. I mean, I went to college. And I drink, how could I not have. They range from the obvious, major regrets* to the seemingly benign but actually huge regrets**. Sure I learned something valuable from these events and hopefully was able to take something positive out them to better myself, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t wish they never happened.

I say all of this because last night I realized the biggest regret of my life has recently occurred. The opportunity of a lifetime has completely slipped away without my even realizing it. While watching Whitney: From the Hills to the City I saw it, a preview for a new MTV reality show: Bromance with Brody Jenner. Ever since Spencer Pratt went off the deep end and grew that creepy flesh colored beard Brody Jenner has been without a bro. Following in the footsteps of the immortal Paris Hilton*** he’s decided to turn to fill that void. How did I not know about this show? How did I not apply to be on this show? I’ll never forgive myself. Could you imagine the possibilities of being in a bromance with Brody Jenner (I’d call him B Jens, we’d be that tight)? Right now we could be douching it up all over LA. Meeting Lauren Conrad at Les Deux and being total tools. Going over to dad Bruce’s house and pretending we don’t want to bang his stepsister. Getting a suite at the Palms so we could be douchy in Vegas for a weekend. The possibilities are endless and I missed my chance.

I’m going to be crying myself to sleep for weeks over this.

* See: May 2005; Car; Guard rail on North Capitol St.

** I missed a flight the day after Thanksgiving last year and I’m fairly certain that it completely altered the course of my entire life, not in a positive way. But that’s another story for another time. Or probably never, because that’s not how we roll on this blog.

*** If you ever doubt what direction you should be heading in life its generally good advice to just do what Paris Hilton would do.

I see you...

2008-12-16T14:53:00.000Z

Oh hello. You’re still here? Well you may have noticed that I have written anything in well over a month. I’ve been thinking lately that I should remedy that situation. I know you loyal few who continue checking this blog semi frequently are clamoring for a new post and I want to enrich you life with my amazing wordsmithing*. There is a small dilemma though. If you’re still reading than it safe to assume you’ve read quite a few of my posts. If that is the case then you know that I’m at my best (in the sense that my writing is more amusing for you) when I’m complaining about something, doing something stupid, or just having an overall crappy life. That is my wheelhouse (it’s a gift) and therein lies the problem. My life is awesome right now; I really have nothing to complain about. And let’s face it you guys don’t really want to hear about puppies and unicorns and pissing glitter and shooting rainbows out of my ass. That’s boring**. Even more boring than the other things I write about (if that’s possible). However I think I may have come up with a temporary solution while I ease back onto the blogging horse: my roommate. My roommate regularly says things that are creepy, inappropriate, or just plain weird and I figure why should I keep these things to myself? It seems selfish so I think I’ll occasionally offer up his best material for your enjoyment. Here’s a winner he said last night, mostly unprompted:

“I’m pretty sure I would fuck Zac Effron. He’s prettier than most of the girls I’ve dated.”

See what I mean. You should look forward this.

He also told me that I have a beautiful falsetto. But that’s not weird. That’s just a fact.

*Part of amazing wordsmithing is making up words like wordsmithing.

**On second thought shooting rainbows out of my ass would be pretty exciting, but I can’t actually do that. I was being metaphorical.

Yes We Did

2008-11-05T13:32:00.001Z

Today I am very proud to be an American, and particularly proud to be a Virginian. Barack Obama ran on a message of hope and right now I am very hopeful. I hope that the results of this election signals a change in the political discourse in this country. I hope that Obama’s victory means that a candidate can no longer use Rovian style scare tactics to create derision, fear, and disconnect to win an election. I hope this means that Americans finally care about what a nominee has to say about important issues and how they intend to solve the countries problems than anything else. And that simply repeating irrelevant half truths and lies to a crowd to get them riled up will no longer work. I hope that calling someone an elitist, socialist, or possible Muslim is not a viable path to the White House anymore. I hope that this election means that people don’t want to hear about a candidate’s vague semi-relationship with possibly unseemly characters; they want to hear how you’re going to fix the economy or health care.

I hope that Kay Hagan’s victory over Elizabeth Dole in the North Carolina Senate race means that being not Christian enough no longer means you’re unfit for office. Hopefully a solid platform of ideas is more important than which church you attend and what God you worship and that being a non-Christian doesn’t mean you are immoral and corrupt in the eyes of Christian voters. Some of the greatest minds in our countries history added the separation of church and state into the constitution for a reason. The gap in that separation has been closing dramatically and I hope that the results of this election start to widen it again.

I hope that once almost universally respected politicians like John McCain and Elizabeth Dole no longer have to lower themselves into the muck to appeal to the lowest common denominator of their base. I hope that intelligent debate can finally prevail over rhetoric aimed at the ignorant.

John McCain gave a gracious and eloquent concession speech last night. It was beautifully moving in its message that serving ones country and a spirit of comprise should take precedence over partisanship. The funny thing about that speech is that had that been his message all along he may have won this election. Instead he ran to the right, unleashed that lunatic Sarah Palin to ignite a base and the rest is history. I hope that the message of his speech takes hold and that he goes back to the Senate to lead that charge. I fear that it will not. Several times throughout his speech McCain had to pause, while talking about the need to work with the new president to make positive change, to let a round of boos die down. At one point a man in the crowd yelled, “You deserved better.” He was absolutely right. John McCain did deserve better. He deserved to not have to lower himself to appeal to a person like that.

Nice to meat you

2008-10-27T19:13:00.000Z

I came to a fairly sad realization today. Before I tell you what that realization is though let me learn you a little bit about myself (I know you don’t care, but trust me, it’s relevant).

Eric Fact #1

I’m lazy. Like most people, I like to do as little as humanly possible and still remain a productive member of society. I often fail at that task. And I don’t mean failing at doing as little as possible, I mean I’m often not a productive member of society.

Eric Fact #2

I don’t like to waste any time. Well, that’s not entirely true. I waste a ton of time, how can you not when the internet exists. What I should say is I’m very selective as to what time is appropriate to waste and what time is more useful. For example, time can not be wasted in the morning before work. My alarm clock is to the exact amount of time I need to get out of bed (immediately, snooze buttons are for the weak), shower, get dressed, and go straight to work on time. I don’t understand how people can relax read the newspaper and eat breakfast when they have the horror of an entire workday hanging over there heads. To me the time after work is much more productive, and at the same time more relaxing, than time after work so the sooner one gets to work the sooner they get to leave and enjoy their day.

Eric Fact #3

At times I spend money recklessly. Here’s the terrible part of that, I rarely spend recklessly on cool things. I always find myself in a situation where I think to myself, man I would love to buy this awesome sweater, or perhaps a new iPod, but I’ve spent like $700 on food this month (that includes beer also, I just wanted to mention that so it would seem less ridiculous).

Based on fact #3 I recently decided it was time to make a lifestyle change. In order to guiltlessly purchase things I need, like bedroom furniture (a Wii?) or some new clothes for work (Guitar Hero?) I’ve been eating lunch at work everyday and cooking dinner at home. It’s worked out great, I save tons of money. But here is where facts #1 and #2 come into play. I’m far too lazy, and consider it a huge waste of time, to make lunch in the morning before work. My solution is to go to the grocery store by the office and stock up on groceries that I can leave here and prepare lunch daily in the office. It’s really a great solution but it allows me to not only save a few dollars a day, but also time spent preparing food at work is time spent not working. So win-win for me.

All of this is an extremely round about way of coming to the sad realization I alluded to earlier. Here it is:

The most important decision I make all week is based around which lunch meat I’m going to buy for my sandwiches.

I know you’re thinking this sounds trivial, but I’m not sure that I can understate the importance of this decision. If I’m going to eat the same sandwich no less than 4 days out of the week it better be a damn good sandwich. Nothing can ruin a mood more than an entire weeks worth of bad lunches. Trust me; you did not want to be around for the roast beef fiasco of October 13-17. It wasn’t pretty.

Although now that I think about it, if the biggest aspect of your life is making a decision between turkey, ham, or corned beef it could be construed as sad, or it might say that you have an awesome life. I’m going to go with the later. Mostly because I have a glass half full kind of attitude today. Why am I in that chipper state of mind? Because I went with pastrami for this week and it was delicious.

The 2nd Debate...

2008-10-08T01:48:00.002Z

So I'm watching the debate right now. I don't have much I want to say about what the candidates are saying because I doubt anyone reading this cares about my politics, but I will say this: Tom Brokaw, shut the fuck up. This is sort of important, let them talk for Christ's sake. There is pretty big decision coming up in a few weeks and we kind of want to hear what they have to say. Who cares if they go over a minute. Dammit.

How Did This Happen?

2008-09-30T16:58:00.002Z

I don't eat very much. I'm skinny and I have a small appetite. I don't know if I'm skinny because I my lack of an appetite or the appetite develop because I'm so skinny. It's the chicken and the egg and all that crap, the point is, I don't eat very much. Sometimes I don't finish dinner because I simply get bored. All the cutting and chewing and sitting up straight is just not worth it when I could be relaxing and not moving. Occasionally I skip dinner all together because I ate a late lunch. This is why the following list is so perplexing to me:

A Complete List of the Food I've Eaten in the Last 28 Hours

2 Nature Valley Bars
2 packs of Oreo Cookies
2 Ham and Cheese sandwiches
Half a bag of Utz Kettle Cooked potato chips
Half block cheese (with crackers)
3 pieces of pizza
1 everything bagel
1 16-20 rib eye steak
Mashed potatoes
Corn

This may not sound like that much to some, but it's a veritable binge for me. I've been trying to figure why I'm so hungry lately and I can only come to one logical solution. I'm pregnant. A few months ago I wouldn't have thought it possible, me being a man and all, but then that one dude (you all know who I'm talking about, I don't feeling like finding a link to the story) got knocked up and everything changed. Expect to see me on Oprah in the very near future.

Vacaton...

2008-09-19T12:41:00.003Z

I just got back from vacation late last night. A week where the entire day consisted of relaxing on the beach, then going back the house and relaxing by the pool, then relaxing in the hottub at night.

I took today off just to keep the relaxation going before going back to work next week.

So what do I wake up to at 8 in the morning?

A jackhammer. Right outside of my window.

I hate you Baltimore. I hate you so much.

Thoughts...

2008-09-08T13:35:00.002Z

- I saw a homeless man reading the newspaper this morning. I thought it was nice that he was keeping up on current events, but I was really curious as to what he might be reading so I decided to ease in for a closer look (I'm like a ninja). He was reading the stock market report. I've said this before, I'm not really sure what irony is, but I think a homeless man check stock prices qualifies as ironic.

Although, maybe he wasn't a homeless man. Maybe he was just a really dirty broker. I shouldn't presuppose that someone is homeless simply because they're filthy and sitting on the sidewalk. They could just be a hippy.

- We have a new neighbor. My roommate met her first and this was his description: a hot, blond, australian girl who just graduated college. I know, sounds pretty awesome right? Well, I met her on Saturday night.

She's from Florida. That totally ruins it.

Moral of the story: My roommate can't tell the difference between a southern accent and an Australian accent. And he's an idiot.

- Yesterday I played Guitar Hero for the first time. I'm terrible at it. I feel like this makes me more and less cool at the same time.

2008-09-05T17:23:00.002Z

This is the headline for today's featured story on Yahoo!:

Even Paris Hilton has fallen prey?! Holy shit, we're all screwed! Oh wait, she's an idiot. We're fine.

A brief foray into politics...

2008-09-04T14:50:00.001Z

I don't really get into to politics very much. Well, I don't talk about it on my blog anyway. I doubt many people care about my opinion on most matters, mainly because I'm generally ill informed. But I would like to just throw something out there. Sarah Palin's children are named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig. I could be wrong about this, but I believe her husband is eskimo, and maybe these names have something to do with that. I'll claim ignorance on that. But if that's not the case I don't think I could ever vote for someone who gives their children such terrible names. I'm just saying.

Trig? Really?

Who knows maybe she's just a former sprinter who loves ESPN (or NASCAR), Val Kilmer movies costarring midgets, the pan flute, and triangles.

2008-09-02T14:03:00.002Z

I have a group of friends who love to read my blog. They ask me about it all the time. When they bring it up it's always in a semi mocking tone as if they think it's super lame. But secretly I know they love it because they check it every day. I'm on to you guys, just so you know.

Anyway, since I how much they enjoy my awesome musings on life, and pretty much everything about my blog in general, I know they'll be super pumped about this. I would like to congratulate Brent on being the 25,000 visitor to I'll Think of Something. You're sort of famous now so enjoy it.

A List...

2008-08-25T20:19:00.003Z

A Partial List of Dead Animals That I Have Been Close Enough To In the Last Week to Catch a Horrible Disease

1. Squirrel (s)
2. Bat
3. Deer*
4. Large Bird**
5. Bat
6. Groundhog***
7. Small Bird****
8. Cat
9. Human? *****
10. Orange mystery animal ******

* It was only a deer leg. I don't want to know what happened to the rest of it.

** I think it was an eagle. My coworker disagrees. Probably because he hates America.

*** Or woodchuck if you prefer.

**** Baby eagle?

***** It was just a bone, but it looked eerily like an arm bone.

****** It was long and skinny. Sort of ferrittish, but to big. It could have been one of these. Which would have been sad, because they're cute. And not native to Pennsylvania.

Day 2...

2008-08-21T23:22:00.002Z

As I was driving further north into Pennsylvania I got to thinking more about creepy guys eye flirting thing, and then I figure it all out. I think this son of a bitch is trying to kidnap me and take me on a romantic weekend getaway in the Poconos. Luckily I'm on to him so I'm going to have some sort of shank ready at all times to repel his advances.

Right now we're just outside of Scranton, PA. I'm pretty big into agrotourism so I'm going to try and book the irrigation room at the Schrute Farms B&B.

And that is the last "The Office" joke I'll make. I've been so excited just to be near Scranton that I've been making them all day and it's annoying people.

All right, gotta go. I'm meeting Jim and Pam at Poor Richard's to see Scrantonicity. Peace.

Day 1...

2008-08-20T23:48:00.003Z

Well, I learned what I was doing up here and it's even more boring than I could have imagined. I'm here to inspect all of the retaining walls on the northeast connector of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I know it sounds awesome, but trust me, it's not.

I learned something else also. The Days Inn in Horsham, PA is a terrible, terrible place. You know your hotel stay is off to a bad start you go into your room and neither of the beds are made and all the towels are used. You might think that would make you feel at home. It doesn't. It's gross. Their continental breakfast better be amazing to make up for this.

The creepy guy isn't even doing anything interesting. He just chain smokes. And tells the same stories over and over again everytime he meets someone new. Even though the people he just told the story to are still standing there. And his eyes flutter when he talks. It's weird. I think he's trying to seduce me. Only his method of seduction is the one Bugs Bunny used on Elmer Fudd when he would cross dress in Loony Tunes cartoons.

So if you happen to be driving between Philadelphia and Scranton any time over the next two weeks and you see a two guys staring at a wall, one of whom appears to be hating his life, stop and say hello. Or run me over with your car. Your choice.

This could suck...

2008-08-19T21:02:00.002Z

For the next two weeks I'll will be inspecting various structures throughout Pennsylvania. I don't know where, wish is disconcerting, but I do know that I'll be doing it with the single creepiest guy in my company. Since I'll be spending most of the time in a hotel room alone trying not to interact with this guy I might as well chronicle my days. It could be hilarious. It could be the most boring series of blogs posts in history. Stay tuned to find out.

The Olympics are awesome

2008-08-13T12:00:00.001Z

I’ve watched approximately 9,000 hours of the Olympics since they started last weekend. I have a few random thoughts I’d like to share.

- I don’t get synchronized diving. I don’t really have a joke here, I just don’t get it. Synchronized swimming makes sense to me, it’s not a sport, but I understand the need for synchronization. Without it it’s just someone flailing around in a pool, which could give the appearance of drowning. But diving is already a sport, a difficult one, and it doesn’t seem as if any extra skill is needed for synchronized diving. You’re just doing the same dive you would have done by yourself with someone right next to you.

- Alicia Sacramone has inordinately large boobs for a gymnast.

- I want to play team handball. It’s awesome. Not only do I think I’d be good at it, but America does not have a representative in this Olympics because there aren’t enough athletes to field a quality team. Hello London 2012.

- I cannot reveal my sources, but I have access to Michael Phelps’ cell phone number. I think I might send him a couple of text messages. Not so much to congratulate him, everyone’s doing that, but more to make fun of his ears. And mouth. I don’t want him to get a big head after all the gold medals. Or maybe I should send congratulations in hopes that I could get Natalie Coughlin’s number from him.

On the Prowl

2008-08-01T12:26:00.003Z

This is a Washington Post headline this morning:

Cougar Reportedly Seen on U-Md. Campus

The story is not at all what I hoped it would be about.

The Genius of Lou Brown

2008-07-22T16:54:00.003Z

I'm a little off my game today. Kind of tired. It's probably because last night, while flipping through the channels falling asleep, I caught Major League just as it started. Everyone has a stable of movies that they always watch. It doesn't really matter where the movie is when you turn it on, you're always going to watch it until the end.*

*This theory explains why I can recite nearly every line of Braveheart. I seen it approximately 400 times, never in it's entirety though. And since I know you were wondering, my favorite line in the movie is when Longshanks is discussing instituting the right of prima nocta and he says, "the trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots." That gets me every time. Not because the jokes is funny, but because all of his cronies laugh like he just said the greatest thing ever. Cracks me up. Also I plan on having several kids and naming the oldest one Argyle so that when they have kids they'll call him Uncle Argyle. That's a badass name. Hopefully my future grandchildren will have Scottish accents.

Anyway, Major League is one of those movies. I love it. Easily one of the top three baseball movies of all time (the three obviously being Bull Durham, Field of Dreams and that. I was trying to decide the order and as luck would have it Bull Durham was on this weekend and I'm ready to say that it is definitely number 3, and Field of Dreams is number 1. Because it makes me cry.), so I almost always watch it until the end. Well this time I got to think about something that had never occured to me before, and it sort of bothered me. Not enough to make me stop loving the movie, but bothered me none the less.

Do you really mean to tell me, that in spring training when the Cleveland Indians were putting the team together and teaching everyone the signals that they actually had a signal for: Call your shot so that the pitcher will throw up and in and knock you down with a fastball, then on the second pitch after the sign the runner on second will steal, you lay down a bunt surprising the infielder who is playing deep, when the infielder charges, the runner (who was attempting to steal third) will never stop running, and hopefully score because of the throw to first. Call me crazy, but it seems a little ambitious to presume that all of that would happen as planned often enough to actually have a sign for that play.

This is starting to get out of control

2008-07-16T17:51:00.002Z

On my way to work this morning I saw a girl sending a text message. While jogging. What could possibly be so important that it couldn't wait until after your workout, but not important enough that you would actually STOP RUNNING long enough to type out a message?

I was rooting pretty hard for her to trip on some uneven pavement. It didn't happen, but I'm happy with the knowledge that it eventually will.

Happy Bastille Day!

2008-07-14T15:35:00.001Z

Hey check that out. That's almost a politcial statement. I'm so controversial.

This is how I would write if I had talent...

2008-06-17T15:49:00.000Z

I thought this post was awesome.

Bromance

2008-06-11T13:35:00.003Z

I know I haven't posted anything in over a month, and I doubt many people even still look at this. Also I know it's weak to do a come back post that is just a link to a "news" story, but, baby steps you know. There are some things that just make me weep for our society. This is one of them. I kind of want to just dig a hole and stay in it until all this mess blows over.

I'm Having A Shitty Day...

2008-05-02T19:03:00.003Z

...no seriously, a bird shit on me on my way to lunch today. I had to walk 10 minutes with a huge pigeon turd on my arm before I could wash it off. You're piling it on these days aren't you God, frankly it's just getting mean.

When did I turn into Charlie Brown? ARGH.

Stop Being a Loser

2008-05-01T16:36:00.003Z

Just for fun, lets see how many different ways spam can try and sell me penis enlargement drugs. To the gmail spam folder:

Get hung like no one else
We invite you to the world of happiness
Order today and receive herbal tomorrow
Causing an erection
Forget about your bad experience in love
Don’t let her leave discontented
Your new proportion will keep her satisfied
Love me longer love me harder
Blood flow to the penis
Time for P5NIS Extension
Sublime measure can be achieved fast
Make your thing as big as life
Reach deeper into her
Stop being a loser
Fast and safe male enhancement
Guaranteed size increase for all products
Attract more hot women
Allow your rod elongate
Increase its length 2-3 inches
Extend the length and width fast

And that's just going back to Monday. In case you were wondering "stop being a loser" is in fact my favorite. It's harder to argue with that.

Eric's Music Review

2008-04-30T13:43:00.002Z

I actually wore a tie to work today, for the first time in months. You may not quite grasp the significance of this. My wearing a tie means that, for the first time in almost 10 weeks, I am completely confident in the fact that I will not have to go outside to inspect a bridge today. It's a great feeling. I feel white collar again. Finally I can go back looking down on those less fortunate than myself. It's fantastic. Thank you tie, you're so gloriously restricting and yet uplifting at the same time.

I know what you're thinking, Eric, you're uncharacteristically upbeat about this. I don't recognize your blog without all the complaining. Well I saved a complaint just for you, the weather the last few days has been magnificent. I might even go as far as to say it's splendorous. That's right, splendorous. So I had the pleasure of spending the last bitter, frigid months of winter outside and as soon as the weather turns I'm back at my desk. I hate my life sometimes.

Speaking things that make me hate life, I was listening to Yahoo! radio this morning when I heard a song from Scarlett Johansson's as yet unreleased new album. Why do actors and other "celebrities" feel the need to make albums? Is it boredom? Is the club scene not doing an adequite job of filling her time between shitty Woody Allen movies? I feel like the best case scenario is that you thoroughly embarass yourself but at least you get publicity out of the whole mess (I'm looking in your direction Hiedi)? Also her album just seems lazy, it's like 10 Tom Waites covers. I don't particularly care for Tom Waites, but would even a Tom Waites fan want to hear Scarlett attempts at his music? Who's the fan base for this album? I will give her some credit though, at least had the good sense to just copy someone who critics already like instead of going the Lohan, Duff, Hilton route of putting out a bunch of awful pop songs. It's already working, New York Magazine called it the "best-ever album by an actor" and described her voice as "Nico, if Nico weren't a Germanic death angel but the remaining American actress of her age who has not openly displayed her vagina." I have absolutely no idea what that means but I guess that's why I'm not a pretentious rock critic for New York Magazine (they would never wear ties to work). I do agree though that not showing your vagina to the papparazzi gives you more street cred on the rock scene. Or is it the opposite? Anyway, to me her voice sounded like Annie Lennox getting punched in the balls*.

*Fact: Annie Lennox has balls.

Oh....Hey

2008-04-09T10:50:00.002Z

I've been hearing a few grumblings lately about my lack of blogging. People are voicing their displeasure. I can explain. Bridge inspections are sucking the life out of me. Lets break down the numbers shall we. There are 168 hours in a week. A conservative estimate says I'm work around 60 hours a week. Admittedly not a super human effort but it can be a bit draining when you're freezing everyday and there is a never ending mist clinging to you everywhere you go. Incidentally, has anyone seen the sun lately, I miss it. I know it was nice on Saturday but I spent the majority of that day inside of a 4' tall box girder hunching over trying to avoiding stepping on dead birds. Anyway, back to the numbers. So lets say I sleep 49 hours a week (probably an overestimation but whatever.) So between work and sleep I'm down to 59 hours in a week. It takes me 20 minutes to get to and from work everyday, that's 2 hours. 5 or so hours a week spent getting ready for work (showering, dressing, making lunch, blah, blah, blah.) I try to spend at least 5 hours a week at the gym. About 7 hours a week are spent preparing and eating meals. Between various other commitments and miscellaneous bs I'd say I have about 2 hours a day where I'm free to do whatever I want. What I more often than not don't want to do with that time is blog. I like to just kind of zone out and think about how my life sucks and summon the will to not jump off of a bridge the next day. It's a theraputic time. On top of that my laptop crapped out a few days ago so I don't even have a computer at home to blog with (when it rains it pours...on my head while I'm outside looking at bridges). The unfortunate part is my funniest posts are when I'm bitching about things not going my way. The last 6 or 7 are right in my wheelhouse and I can't even use the material. Well it's all over in another month or so and then I'll be back to blogging, bear with me. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me) my posts will be lame since I'll be in a good mood, between not having to work outside and spending the hundreds of hours of overtime pay I'm currently earning I'll be positively giddy, which is boring for this blog. You poor readers just can't win.

Tourney Time

2008-03-25T00:25:00.004Z

People love college sports. They love it for any number of reasons. The purity of the sport, the passion, athletes giving it everything they have simply for the love of the game. All those great cliches. But what is at the heart of it all? What is the essence of what makes the college game so great? Gambling, that's what.

Fact: Over 200 billion brackets were filled out last week for the NCAA Tournament.*

Fact: I love gambling.**

Since I love gambling and this is the single greatest gambling weekend of the year I needed to fully immerse myself. I took Friday off for 32 games and at least 30 hours of college basketball. It was going to awesome. It was a complete disaster. I've never seen anything like it. Just dagger after dagger. It was brutal. Let's start with the brackets, here are the two I have money on:

The are both a mess, but the second one is really horrible. USC. What was I thinking? Who's USC's favorite player? OJ Mayo. What's my least favorite food ever. Mayonaisse. I would I pick a team centered around the worst condiment in the world for the Final Four. No matter how delicious orange juice is it does not counteract the disgustingness of Mayo. I should know better than that. But it got worse when I started betting on individual games. I lost 19 of 25 bets. I wasn't even sure that was mathematically possible. Here are a few examples of a typical bet for me this weekend:

Butler against Tennessee. I parlayed Butler +4.5 and the over (140). Butler is down by 3, with the ball, with less than 15 seconds left. Pretty much a lock. There are three realistic scenarios normally, Butler makes a two, a three at the buzzer, or miss a shot as time runs out. Either way I win. What happens? Butler misses a shot with less than three seconds, Tennessee rebounds. Game over, I win. Oops, Butler commits a pointless foul when the game is essentially over, Tennessee hits two free throws, wins by 5, I lose. Dammit.
I have Clemson at -6. They're winning by 19 in the second half and still manage to pull defeat from the jaws of victory.
Oregon +2.5. Up by 12 late in the second half, they lost by 7. Welcome to my life.

Fortunately I don't technically have a "gambling problem". I only lost $100, but still what a bunch of crap. I hate college basketball.

*Not an actual fact

**Actual fact

Mustache Day

2008-03-20T20:24:00.001Z

Hey. Happy Mustache Day! It's a very exciting day for me, this is easily my best mustache ever. I look like I'm heading to bike week. Or a Village People concert. Either way it looks awesome. Go here and vote for the best mustache.

TWSSF

2008-03-07T12:58:00.002Z

I wish I had something I could tell you guys. Some excuse I could give you as to why you've been deprived of That's What She Said Friday for the last few weeks but there isn't. I can lie to you guys. Truth is I just didn't feel like it. As you all know I'm very lazy, but I'm back. This week I'll turn it over to McSweeney's, becuase they're much funnier than myself. Check it out.

Beating a Dead Horse

2008-03-06T13:35:00.002Z

Let's talk about the most interesting of subjects: the weather. Here's a brief description of the conditions yesterday:

Not under a bridge:

Mostly sunny, temperature's in the low 60's with a light breeze. A beautiful day if there ever was one.

Under a bridge:

Dark, frigid, gale force winds.

The section of 395 I was working under yesterday happen to run alongside a small park in Federal Hill. I was wearing four layers of shirt, gloves, and a winter hat and was freezing my ass off. 50 yards away was a guy playing tennis in shorts and a t-shirt. And to think I used enjoy shade. If I was a little closer I would have thrown one of the chunks of concrete falling from the bridge* at him because I was so bitter about his carefree, whimsical lifestyle. Seriously, who's playing tennis at noon on a Wednesday and where do I sign up?

Fortunately I'm back in the office for the rest of the week. For all those who find themselves complaining about rotting away in a cubicle working for the man for the rest of thier lives, cherish it, if not you could find yourself stuck in the bucket of a lift truck 80 feet in the air when the controls stop working and you have to hang out for like 45 minutes until someone can come and get you down. It's a harrowing experience.

*One of the few fun things about this job is knocking concrete off of a bridge. I've probably knocked a solid 50 square feet of failing concrete off of the various bridges of Interstate 395 so far. Enjoy that fact next time your driving into town for an Orioles game. Don't worry, it's still structuraly sound. Or is it?

Spreading the Word

2008-03-06T12:19:00.002Z

This one is for the dozens of people who found my blog via Google searching for certain information on a serious subject only to be left very, very dissappointed: yes Patrick Swayze does have pancreatic cancer. Here's a real story about it. Sorry my love of She's Like the Wind lead you here instead of what you were actually searching for.

Whining

2008-02-27T01:11:00.002Z

Nine hours, under a bridge, in a bucket truck, in the rain. Not good times. Not good times at all. If anyone knows any Steven Seagal type moves feel free to use them on me. I'm all for a broken ulna right now. Seriously, this is day three of 65. I don't think I'm going to pull through. At the risk of sounding ultra pretentious, I'm pretty certain the reason I went to college is to avoid jobs like this. I'm upset.

I'm growing a beard. It just seems appropriate for the situation. I'm like Ron Burgundy right now. The difference being that my glass case of emotion is actually a big, white, plastic bucket. On the bright side, it will be in the low 30's tomorrow, so milk will actually be a great choice.

Sking

2008-02-26T01:29:00.000Z

Skiing is hard. Skiing is hard and dangerous. Therefore, skiing is perfect. Thanks to an ingenious plan hatched by Kim in the comment section of my last post I had finally hatched a way out of bridge inspections for the next three months. Having never skied before, hurtling down a mountain on a sheet of ice was a sure fire way for me to sustain an injury serious enough to keep me confined to my awesome desk with my work bff, the internet. Everything was set up perfectly. We had a sweet house on the lake, everyone was having a great time, I got pretty drunk the night before so the hangover was throwing my ski game off a little bit. Even my right boot was too small resulting in intense arch pain most of the day. I was certain to fly off the side of a mountain and break a bone. It was going to be awesome. There’s only one thing that wasn’t factored in, my superior athleticism. I forgot that I’m money at most things I try*. I had a rough start but by the end of the day I was kicking ass. Skiing is totally easy, it was really a forgone conclusion. Dammit, I can’t even suck at something right. I was pissed. And you’re reading comprehension is not off, I’m might be the only person you’ll ever here express disappointment in not breaking a bone. Now I have to work outside dodging pigeon shit for the next three months. It’s going to suck.

This creates an interesting anomaly that is my life, my friends were kind of enough to point this out for me. How is it that I’m pretty good at most everything I try, and yet suck at life as a whole? Is that even possible? Apparently it is.

There is one great thing that came out the weekend. Most of the car ride up, because I’m super arrogant, I keep telling everyone how easy skiing is and how awesome I was going to be. It got to the point were a lot of people were eagerly anticipating see me fail. They would’ve taken a lot of pleasure in watching me fall on my ass all day. They were pretty pissed I was good. It was great. It almost made pigeon turds and sucking at life tolerable for a few hours.

*Except golf. Golf confounds me. Why is it that I can (could) hit a ball hurled at me at 80-90 mph but I can’t hit a stationary one sitting right in front of me? It might be the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been to a driving range 3 times. My best golf shot ever, one of the few times I’ve actually made solid contact, was when I threw a ball up in the air and swung away. I suck at golf. It’s killing my ass kissing ability with my bosses.

Oh hey

2008-02-20T18:02:00.001Z

I know what you’re saying right now: Eric, you’re blog sucks, you haven’t written anything in weeks. I know, I apologize. I can’t really argue that fact. Only, I will. Watch this.

What do you want from me? Am I the only one that realizes this is the absolute worst time of year? Football’s over, baseball hasn’t started yet, and college basketball is in the boring part of the season. Writers have been on strike for the last three months so there’s nothing on TV. The weather is too bad to do anything outside. Basically there is absolutely nothing going on in my life. Unless you want to hear about a trip to the gym, the 50,000th (and probably worst) recap of Lost on the internet, or a random drunken Saturday night, I got nothin’. I can’t even write about the nights out because to be honest I haven’t remembered the last few (perhaps I could turn this into some sort of self help blog, I may have a drinking problem. Would that be something you’d enjoy?). Here are the two most interesting things that happened to me so far this week:

• I was riding to work the other day and passed a Tahoe or Suburban or something pimped out with the usual accoutrements: 24” rims, tinted windows, something thuggish written on the back windshield in calligraphy, and a loud, rattling stereo system. Pretty standard stuff, only their musical choice threw me off. They were blaring polka. And the guys inside were really pumped about it, they love the ole squeeze box.

• I had a Jolly Rancher stuck to one of my back teeth for a solid 45 minutes to an hour yesterday afternoon. Which actually isn’t interesting at all except for paradox of feelings it caused. It is both infuriating and delicious at the same time. Weird.

Don’t worry though, loyal readers, there is a lot more adventure on the horizon. Tomorrow I have to leave the office for the next two months for bridge inspections, which is going to suck. Working outdoors isn’t really my thing, especially in February. Also I’m going skiing for the first time in my life this weekend. Despite being a spectacular athlete I’m pretty clumsy (Another paradox? Am I using that word right?) The combination of me hanging in a bucket 85 feet over a river and me hurtling down mountains increases my chances of serious bodily harm and/or death exponentially. So I think I might have a story or two to tell soon.

Celebrities are A Holes

2008-02-01T13:23:00.000Z

I may or may not have heard a few good TWSS said jokes this week. I really can't remember. I been in a drug induced haze for the last 4 days because something vaguely fluish and things are foggy. As a result I will be forgoing That's What She Said Friday, instead enjoy this video of Chris Berman being a total dick (NSFW, Boomer has a potty mouth). In case you've been wondering what it's like to play baseball at a certain university in Washington, DC (and I know you have), you're in luck because in this video Berman is practically channeling the coach. It's eery.

Thanks Val

Reasons Why Tennis is Awesome...

2008-01-28T17:49:00.000Z

There's really only one reason why tennis is awesome. I awoke early Saturday morning kind of hungover. While lying in bed channel surfing I came upon the women's Australian Open, and the only reason to watch tennis on television. Because the finals in a Grand Slam tournament can consist of the following matchup:

Ana Ivanovic v. Maria Sharapova

It was a great match. Needless to say, I was riveted.

RPTWSSF

2008-01-25T15:04:00.001Z

Reader Participation That's What She Said Friday was a rousing success last week! Ok mild success. No? Not even that? Well I don't care, we're doing it again. Here it is, try and figure out what I was talking about:

Me: It was right on the tip of my tongue but it's not coming, I'm going to have to go with something else
Matt: That's what she said.

Have at it. A challenge to my friends (I'm looking at you in particular Mike, Baha, and Wendy) no BJ jokes.

Blah Blah Blah

2008-01-23T13:52:00.000Z

By now I'm sure everyone has heard the nonstory about Tom Brady's pretend ankle injury. Half of New England had a stroke Monday when TMZ released some pictures of him in a walking boot on the way to Gisele's with some flowers and pastries. Turns out it's nothing. Shocker. Anyway, in that regard I decided to write a post about Tom Brady. I had it written in my head. It was funny. It was going to be all blah blah blah I'm Tom Brady, I'm the best quarterback ever, and I bring my supermodel girlfriend flowers when I visit, and I thwart terrorist attacks with my steely gaze blah blah blah. Ok maybe it wasn't that funny but whatever, thats not the point. The point is it was all written (in my head, which counts) and I couldn't find the damn picture. I searched everywhere. And by everywhere I mean I spent 3 minutes on Google (Ed. note: I'm lazy* and don't try hard).

For some reason my inability to find this picture really pissed me off. I realized I'm in one of those whiny, self pitying, everything sucks and I hate you kind of moods. It's weird, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm actually in a pretty good mood but at the same time have a hard time fighting the urge to say fuck a lot. I guess on edge would be the best way to describe it. You know the feeling, you're going along with your day, everythings great, you're smiling, then you pump your knee on a chair and want to blow up a Starbucks. Anywho, as a result of my setback I decided to scrap the Tom Brady post. I do have one question though. The Cowboys had two weeks off before their first playoff game. Wade Phillips gave the team the first weekend off and Tony Romo chose to spend that weekend at the beach with his girlfriend. Because that girlfriend is Jessica Simpson some pictures came out and the media had a shit fit. According to sportswriters (who are mostly idiots) he showed a lack of committment to the team, he didn't care about winning, he wasn't preparing the way he should. He was being crucified for going to the beach. So here's my question: Tom Brady got the same weekend off two weeks before the Super Bowl. He chose to spend that time in New York with his famous girlfriend. The trip from Dallas to Cabo is not that much longer than the trip from Boston to New York, how come there isn't a huge uproar about Brady the way their was about Romo?

* Here's a fun anecdote regarding my laziness: I got dressed for work this morning and realized my shirt still has the telltale creases of a newly purchased shirt. I think this is only the second time I've worn the shirt so I guess that somewhat explains that. The only thing is, I got this shirt for Christmas. Two years ago. How have I not ironed out the creases, or at least taken it to a dry cleaner.

TWSSF

2008-01-18T14:01:00.001Z

What's up mofos? So everyone loves That's What She Said Friday right? I know I do. But really how often can you turn benign conversation into sexual innuendo? Forever I think, but it still gets a tad repetitive. That's why I adding a twist this week. You guys have been sitting on my fastball to long, it's time to mix in a changeup. That's why this week is Reader Participation That's What She Said Friday. Or RPTWSSF for short. Instead of setting the scene then revealing the conversation I'm just going to tell you the joke, and then if you like fun you can guess what I'm talking about in the comments section. Sounds awesome right? No? Well humor me. Here goes:

Me: I kind of like that I can just stick it in for 5-10 minutes and forget about it until its done.
Aaron: That's what she said

What the heck am I talking about?! Crazy. Have fun

Answer to come whenever I feel like it.

TWSSF

2008-01-11T13:04:00.000Z

Doesn't the first full week back after the holidays also seem soooo long? It's excruciating. Really I could get used to 3 and 4 day work weeks. How can I arrange that? Until then I can think of only one thing that can make then long week feel a little shorter, the triumphant return of That's What She Said Friday! Here goes:

My roommate Aaron works for Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Apparently now they offer navigation systems to people renting from them, the removable kind that you suction cup to the windshield. For liability purposes employees are not allowed to physically install the GPS for the driver. Which makes sense because could you really put it past someone blaming a little box in their windshield for driving their car off of a bridge of something (or driving into a lake a la Micheal Scott). I wouldn't, this is America after all. Anyway, one of my roommates employees was demonstrating how to install it to a customer when he said this:

Random enterprise employee: I'm going to put it in for you to show you how it's done, but then I'm going to take it out and you can stick it anywhere you feel comfortable.

Aaron: (in his head because he has to pretend to be professional around customers at work) That's what she said.

Here are some emails I received this week:

From Mike:

I joined a dodge ball team. There are two types of balls, 4 small multicolored balls and 2 larger red balls. From last night:

Guy On My Team (yelling from the court as the last person facing 3 people from the other team): I like the big red balls!

Me (yelling from the sideline): That's what she said!

Next from Jason via Brittany:

So, I put a song on from my Ipod for Dell and after it played for a little I turned down the volume. She continued to sing the song so I said to her “I can keep it up if you want” and then our admin Sue said “That’s what she said”

Keep in mind that Britt just started working there two weeks ago, and Sue is 60 years old.

How You Know People Have Run Out of Ideas

2008-01-08T14:36:00.000Z

The summer after I graduated college I moved to the beach with some friends. Near our house was a karaoke bar. One night when a few friends were in town and they went over there and happened to witness the single greatest karaoke performance of all time. That's not hyperbole either, it's a fact. Unprompted, a bartender hopped over the bar to perform "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze. The key word to that sentence is perform, he didn't just stand rigidly on a stage and read lyrics from a prompter. He worked the crowd, really crooning to the ladies. I'm pretty sure this guy was a comedic genius. He chose the most perfectly awful, somewhat obscure but still well known cheesy 80's ballad and sang it with a totally straight face. You know how amazing I think this story is? I wasn't even there, but I still feel the need to tell it becuse it's so great. I was at work, I didn't hear it until the next day at the beach and I'm pretty sure I laughed for a solid 2 hours. I love it so much I've made this my go to karaoke performance, the highlight of my singing career being my epic serenade of Rachel at the Dubliner Christmas party in 2003. It sounds like I'm stealing someone elses idea, but I consider it an homage. I'm like a tribute band. Essentially I'm doing karaoke of a guy doing karaoke to Patrick Swayze.

As a result of this I now love "She's Like the Wind". It really is an amazing song. How can something be so awful and yet so awesome at the same time. It's a paradox. So imagine my surprise when I was at the gym last night and heard a remake of the song. For real. Someone actually thought to themselves, "I think I'll redo that song from Dirty Dancing the Patrick Swayze did. Only I'll add some rapping and a cool beat." This seems like a bad idea to me but apparently not to other people. You decide.

Who Am I?

2008-01-07T14:45:00.000Z

Shame is an emotion that is foreign to no one. There are moments in everyone’s life that they regret. Things that embarrass you, which you hope no one finds out about. You look at yourself in the mirror and can’t meet your own gaze. You think to yourself, is this really the direction my life has turned, has it really come to this. These are the things I was going through last night while watching 2 hours of the new American Gladiators. Who am I? I’m better than this right? Apparently not. I just had to check it out; I loved American Gladiators as a kid and wanted to see if the newer version measured up. It did not. While watching the latest rendition of the show I recalled that American Gladiators was originally aired on Saturday mornings, meaning it was aimed at children and professional wrestling fans, neither of which applies me anymore (although some might argue that I am in fact still a child, at least emotionally). The question though is how you can actually get worse than this:

Basically the show is nearly identical to the original, with a few added wrinkles. Like water! And fire (but only from a safe distance)! Awesome. Also there is a new game where gladiators throw 100 lb. Nerf balls at contestants trying to run across a bridge. Just like in ancient Rome! The worst part about the show now though is all the trash talk. They tried to give it more hard edge by interviewing the contestants before and after every competition to let them talk smack to each other and the gladiators and it’s simply brutal. There is a very small percentage of the population that can talk trash and sound cool. None of them were on this show. They just sound like jackasses and it makes me cringe every time someone opens their mouth. Oh and if there is only a very small percentage of people who can successfully trash talk, than a very small percentage of that very small percentage are women. It’s just not in their DNA. Its science look it up. Next they mic’ed the Gladiators, which was just a horrible idea. If I wanted to hear meatheads grunting out stupid comments I’d spend more time at the gym. I’m not interested in hearing Titan wax poetic on is chances of tossing a 140 lb. asian man off of a 40 ft. foam pyramid. One more thing, Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, you are no Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka.

Having said all that though, I think I might be hooked. It happened shortly into the second hour of competition. The first appearance of Hellga (not a typo) the fat gladiator. Hold on, let change that to Hellga the Fat Gladiator. From now on that’s her proper name on this blog. She was completely hapless and I loved every second of it. They stuck her at the end of the Gauntlet, I’m certain with the idea that after having three other gladiators pounding on the contestants with giant foam sticks their fatigue would balance out Hellga the Fat Gladiators shortcomings. Those being lack of lateral movement and overall athletic ability. Their plan failed. After struggling through Crush, Fury, and Stealth the contestant reached Helga the Fat Gladiator and zoomed by untouched as she failed desperately. They’re running between two walls maybe 10 feet apart and without even putting any kind of move on her the contestant just ran right by without even a tap from Hellga’s foam covered hands. The second contestant chose a different approached. She just powered right through Hellga, which you’d think given her girth would be a difficult task but apparently not. I loved outfit too; everyone else is wearing the tightest spandex imaginable to show off their physique, but she’s wearing a skirt. Which I’m sure together with the pigtails and the name is meant to infer some sort of Bavarian ancestry but I’m not buying it, I’m pretty sure is to cover up her ass. Needless to say I’ll probably tune in again just hoping for a Hellga appearance. I think that alone would be worth it. Well that and quotes like this from one of the contestants, “I was just trying to grab any extremity I could and hold on as long as possible.”

That’s what she said.

Redskins

2008-01-04T15:51:00.000Z

I know it's Friday and you guys all probably want to read some juvenile humor but I going to have to skip it this week. I can't concentrate. There isn't much that gets me more pumped up than the NFL playoffs and considering how bad the Redskins have been for the last decade or so I'm extra fired up. My coworkers are at serious risk of headbutts if they come to close. When I get home from work there is an excellent chance of me throwing on my Sean Taylor jersey and tackling strangers in the street. I'm so pumped up today I might put 120 lbs on the bench press at the gym today. Oh that's right, that's how excited I am. So I'll just leave you with this while I go spear someone getting off of the elavator:

Hail to the Redskins
Hail Vic-tor-y
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.
Run or pass and score -- we want a lot more!
Beat 'em, Swamp 'em,
Touchdown! -- Let the points soar!
Fight on, fight on 'Til you have won
Sons of Wash-ing-ton. Fight!, Fight!, Fight!
Hail to the Redskins
Hail Vic-tor-y
Braves on the Warpath
Fight for old D.C.

My New Favorite Thing Ever

2007-12-30T03:42:00.001Z

I dare you to watch this and not be in a good mood. It's impossible.

I told you. You're welcome.

TWSS Friday!

2007-12-28T13:10:00.000Z

Oh hey. Remember me? I'm back from Christmas at home with the family. It was lovely. I'm also back to letting other people do the work of blogging for me. You know what that means, it's TWSS Friday!

Here's a forwarded email from a friends sister. I may or may not have met this person at their wedding but I don't recall. I drank a lot that weekend. Take it away Joanna:

No one around here seems to understand TWSS, so I play by myself in my head. It keeps me amused when some people are really boring.

While riding in a Excursion limo, Jared said "It's so huge in here.I could park my Saturn in here." So I thought, "That's what he said."

Jared was lying on the seat and slid when the driver hit the brakes. He said "I could come out shorter than Adrian." Well I thought,"That's what I said."

Jared remarked on his lacrosse style of play against cocky opponents,"I pounce on dicks." Obviously I thought, "That's what she said."

The last ones my favorite.

Role Models

2007-12-19T15:28:00.000Z

Everyone should have a role model. Someone who positively influences your life. Someone who lives life you would like to live, someone you aspire to emulate. For a young girl that can often be there big sister. But when your big sister is a batshit crazy, whorish, train wreck you might want to pick someone else to model your life after. Oooh, looks like Jamie Lynn realized that fact a few weeks to late. Dagger.

Yes

2007-12-17T20:52:00.000Z

Brazilian star Kaka named FIFA's player of year

Awesome.

A Few Thoughts on Football

2007-12-17T13:27:00.000Z

Given the current state of my life right now (it sucks) I've develop a special ability to find the downside in everything. Seriously, I'm like the Michael Jordan of taking something that should make me happy and making it suck. Watch me apply this gift to the week in football.

The Redskins beat the Giants 22-10 yesterday. A huge win over a division rival to keep their playoffs hopes alive. Awesome right? Wrong. Since their last Super Bowl win in 1991 I have learned to live with a perenially immensely talented team that will ultimately underachieve (the Redskins are much like myself in this regard actually). They can never just suck, they're always tantalizingly mediocre. The never live up to expectations, but they always play just well enough to keep fans interested, ultimately crushing them in the end. It will happen again. I just haven't figure out how. Will Adrian Peterson run for 400 yards on them next week or will it come down to the final game of the season against the Cowboys where they'll blow another second half lead? It's not a matter of if but when.

Speaking of the Cowboys, it figures that the only time I will ever root for them to win they lose. To the Eagles no less. All I want is for the Cowboys to wrap up homefield advantage in the playoffs so they rest their starters in week 17 against the Skins. But, noooooooo, Tony Romo plays like crap, gets hurt, and we have to endure 40 shots of Jessica Simpson in the booth wearing a pink jersey. Could it get any worse. Although how awesome was it when Brian Westbrook was waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown but instead decided to down it at the one and run the clock out. How many fantasy football seasons did that ruin and in turn how many TVs did that ruin when Westbrook owners put their remote through the screen?

Ooh, that sounded almost positive about the Westbrook thing, lets put a negative spin on that. My team was in the playoffs this week, playing against a team carrying Westbrook, and it did not help me at all. Because my team absolutely shit the bed. Of course I dominate all year and then in the second round of the playoffs I have Randy Moss playing in a blizzard. Although I think the fact that I was depending on 3 Detroit Lions might have been my downfall. It was inevitable.

Ok it wasn't all negative yesterday. There was one thing I absolutely loved. Living in Baltimore I developed a solid hatred of the Ravens. Seeing them lose to the 0-13, now 1-13, Dolphins was probably the most enjoyable experience I've had in weeks. The Ravens have officially hit rock bottom. At least now I have some company down here. Crap, I can't even get any joy out of that.

I told you it was a gift.

Right Now It's About 50/50

2007-12-13T13:05:00.000Z

In a little while I have to go into a training session that will last until the end of the day tomorrow. It's going to be rather soul crushing. If you hear from me sometime this weekend or Monday it means I somehow found the will to not call it a life and jump out the conference room window 25 stories to my death. If you haven't, be concerned, it's a possibility. If so someone call my parents for me? Thanks.

Metaphors For Life

2007-12-05T20:01:00.000Z

I got a haircut on Monday. While cutting my hair the barber, who I had never visited before, asked me if I've considered anything for hair loss. It's really piling on these days. And by it I mean shit.

2007-12-03T18:04:00.000Z

I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but I love this website. I probably have but I don't care. It makes me laugh and I'll take what I can get at this point.

Remember Me?

2007-11-29T15:21:00.000Z

Oh hello, remember me? I'm Eric I write this blog. It's been a while. Sorry about that. Has my absence been conspicuous? As you may have surmised I returned to the home front for Thanksgiving. It was fine. Nothing to write home about. Or should I say nothing to write from home about to the entire world via the internet. Overall life is just kind of eh so I haven't been writing. But I know you guys all miss me, plus it's the holidays, so in that spirit I would like to pass along my favorite holiday tale. Enjoy.

Big Game Hunting

2007-11-20T15:34:00.001Z

This is an ad for Dick's on a website I was reading this morning. What are the trying to suggest here?

Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?

John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!

Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.

Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

TWSS Friday

2007-11-16T15:58:00.001Z

What a glorious day. The sun is shining, the leaves are falling and the temperature is brisk. A perfect fall day. Nice try whoever controls the weather. You think I don't remember what a miserable week it's been? Oh I do. But who cares, it's the end of the week, it's beautiful outside, and it's That's What She Said Friday!

This weeks entry is from Wendy. Take it away Wendy:

So, Tony and I were sitting at lunch, and enters Brian, a graduatestudent that has a fellowship with teaching requirements. Brian hasto teach his lectures today (in Nov). and the following conversationensues

Tony: So you've been going to lecture all this time?

Brian: I come when I can.

Wendy: That's what he said.

I like that Wendy put the joke above herself. Being that she is a girl she could have easily gone with, "That's what I say," but she stuck to her roots. That's professionalism at it's finest.

Someone Up There Hates Me

2007-11-15T14:25:00.000Z

I don’t have a car. I haven’t had one in several years. In many ways I find the situation preferable, really it’s just one less thing to worry about, and it saves me a lot of money. I’ve also, for the most part, never really had a problem getting where I need to go. A car isn’t really necessary in a city. In DC I always lived next to a metro stop. When I moved to Baltimore for work I moved to an apartment in Federal Hill less than a mile from work. I was within walking distance from anything I could possibly need. Recently I moved to Canton, meaning walking to work is no longer an option. Not a problem though, now I just ride my bike, it’s under a fifteen minute ride. Other than the dramatically increased chances of dying in tragic accident things aren’t much different than they were before. In fact I’m even getting a good workout on my way to and from work everyday and I look like I’m environmentally conscious even though that’s only by coincidence, so things are great. Until today of course.

There’s one factor I failed to account for in this whole riding a bike thing: rain. You see, I’m an umbrella person. When it’s raining and I have to walk to work I just stand under an umbrella (ella, ella, ella) and I’m reasonably dry the whole time. Riding a bike down a busy city street carrying an umbrella seems like a horrible idea to me (remember the whole tragic accident possibility) so I nixed that idea. But being an umbrella I am not in possession of a raincoat. Using both just seemed like overkill. Well this creates a dilemma for someone who has to get to work, in the rain, without a car.

I should mention at this point that I had my yearly performance evaluation on Monday. There was only really one thing negative my boss had to say. He doesn’t like my inconsistent schedule. You see I rarely come in at the same time everyday. Well that’s not entirely true, basically if I sleep at my house I’m in to work at 7, if I sleep at the gf’s house I’m in around 8:30. The boss doesn’t like this, he wants me to pick a time and stick to it. So despite having to ride my bike through a driving rain it would not really be a great idea to try and wait out the rain and be an hour or so and be late for work three days after I got the business for that very same thing.

Anyway, so I basically just have to go for it. I suck it up, throw on a jacket and head out. I was soaked within a block. The good news is though; once your clothes/body are completely saturated you hardly even notice anymore that it’s raining.

Another thing I should mention at this point. I normally carry a bag to work. It comes in pretty handy. Turns out Kenneth Cole doesn’t make good riding shoes so I have to wear an alternative until I get to work. Also I can throw in anything else I deem necessary for the day. Last night I left work without that bag. I have no idea why, I just left without even thinking about.

So I here I am, pedaling away with my thighs soaked and my hair dripping. It really wouldn’t have been a big deal if I was just wearing some sweat pants or something similar, carrying my work clothes in a bag so I could just change into dry clothes when I arrived. It turns out Banana Republic pants don’t really wick the water away like you would assume.

One more thing to point out. Sometimes I bring my lunch to work. It goes in spurts really; I’ll bring a lunch everyday for a week or two and then won’t bring it for another week or two. I haven’t brought a lunch in a couple weeks. Last night I went to the grocery for the express purpose of bringing my lunch this morning. I also don’t have a lunchbox. It’s kind of bobo, I just throw some crap in a plastic grocery bag. Which I then throw in my other bag. The bag I left at work last night.

So here I am, riding in the rain. Pants soaked, hair wet, trying to avoid cars spraying me with water, with a grocery bag draped on my wrist. As I’m riding I make a left turn. The grocery bag skims the bike tire. I think to myself, I better pull up some slack in this bag before it rips open. Too late, there goes lunch, in a puddle on Eliot St. Awesome.

I think God hates me. I really do. It’s not so much the rain. That happens, you get wet, you dry off, not a big deal. It’s the confluence of events that really sets it off. It’s like the rain is the kick in the nuts and the evaluation and the bag and the lunch are stomping on them when I’m down. It’s like the before storm of suck. And it’s a shitstorm.

Moral of the story: I’m buying a new car ASAP.

Going Commercial

2007-11-13T02:27:00.000Z

From now on I’m basing all product decisions on television commercials. I probably won’t often be positively affected by a commercial. I rarely find myself watching TV and think, “You know what, it’s hilarious when those guys put shaving cream on Sasquatch’s hand and tickle his nose. I want some beef Jerky now and I want it be Jack Link’s Beef Jerky.” I am however always negatively affected by bad commercials. I see these horrendous ads and am left wondering how these people have jobs. I mean, did Chevy hire the monkeys from those Monster.com commercials to run the advertising department? That’s the only explanation for some of the decisions they’ve made. Hear are a few examples of products I will never use as a result of a bad commercial:

Charles Schwab – At some point in my life I’m going to have finances that need managing and you will be my absolute last choice to manage them. Why? Because cartoons are supposed to be funny dammit. I’m so sick of seeing this, expecting some hilarious punch line and just getting a cartoon bald guy bitching about his broker forgetting his name.

I hope no one was expecting a Garmin navigation system or a Dell because if you roll out Christmas commercials before Halloween I hate you and I’m not buying your stupid product.

Chevy – Good Lord, what are you thinking? This one has been beaten to death but I still had to mention it. If you have watched a single football game in the last two years you’re ready to assassinate John Cougar Mellencamp (but doesn’t assassinate imply that you’re killing some sort head of state? Yes it does, he’s the king of crappy songs about America, hence assassination). If you’re going to hammer a song into my head in order to sell trucks can you at least pick one that doesn’t suck? Oh and don’t by ad space to air your shitty commercial 16 times in 3 hours.

Viagra – A bunch of old guys jamming, junkyard band style, in a rundown barn about erectile dysfunction. Honestly who green lit that? Who possibly thought that was a good idea? Fortunately this isn’t a problem I’ve experienced, but if I do I’m going with Cialis. I’m willing to risk sudden loss of eyesight, at least I wouldn’t have to see that Viagra commercial anymore.

Miller Lite – I’m putting you on notice Miller Lite. I love Bob Slydell/Dr. Cox as much as the next guy but those “More Taste League” commercial aren’t good. You haven’t lost me yet but those Coors Light commercials with the football coaches are hilarious and they’re stealing my allegiance.

There are some products that probably could never lose me from a bad commercial. As much as I don’t care about a ballerina blogging from backstage or a pilot checking weather.com before take off I’m still using my iPod, it’s too awesome. And I’m going to go against the norm here, but I think Peyton Manning is funny, so Sony and DirectTV you’re still cool with me. Oh and I think I’m switching my deodorant to Old Spice, you grow chest hair just from putting it on!

2007-11-11T23:47:00.000Z

I think I'm creating my own NaBloPoMo. No posting on the weekends. It's to much work. Actually the real problem is that I'm not at work. I've realized that I like do other things better than blogging. On the weekends I can do those things. I like blogging more than I like working, so I'm all for during the week, but not on the weekend. Plus all blogging on a Saturday does is give people more to catch up on on Monday, I like provide a distraction when you need a break at work but I don't want to get anyone fired because they have so many extra posts to read, because I know they are riveting and you wouldn't be able to pull yourself away no matter how much work you have on your desk.

That's What She Said Friday!

2007-11-09T15:32:00.001Z

It's time for another installment of That's What She Said Friday! Are you guys pumped? I know I am. This week it's an all Aaron edition of TWSSF. Who's Aaron? It doesn't matter, it's just a coincidence that he had two good TWSSs this week.

First, Aaron was trying to turn on his laptop. Apparently the process has been slowed significantly as a result of some weather program he downloaded recently and it's been a cause of frustration for him.

Aaron: Dammit, I need more RAM.

Me: That's what she said.

Not my best effort but whatever, it's been a slow week.

Last night we were eating dinner after winning our first round playoff game and advancing to the City Finals next week in kickball (Ed. Note: Our kickball team is sick). Aaron pulled out his wallet to pay for dinner.

Jess: [referring to his wallet] It's so little.

Aaron: [dejectedly] That's what she said.

Have a good weekend suckers.