Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Bromance is Dead...

On occasion you run across a person who claims to have lived a life without regret. They will throw out a bunch of old clich├ęs like everything happens for a reason, or whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and claim that they would change nothing. I personally don’t believe any of that garbage for a second; though even if I did I certainly would never consider myself one of those people. I’ve done plenty of regrettable things. I mean, I went to college. And I drink, how could I not have. They range from the obvious, major regrets* to the seemingly benign but actually huge regrets**. Sure I learned something valuable from these events and hopefully was able to take something positive out them to better myself, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t wish they never happened.

I say all of this because last night I realized the biggest regret of my life has recently occurred. The opportunity of a lifetime has completely slipped away without my even realizing it. While watching Whitney: From the Hills to the City I saw it, a preview for a new MTV reality show: Bromance with Brody Jenner. Ever since Spencer Pratt went off the deep end and grew that creepy flesh colored beard Brody Jenner has been without a bro. Following in the footsteps of the immortal Paris Hilton*** he’s decided to turn to fill that void. How did I not know about this show? How did I not apply to be on this show? I’ll never forgive myself. Could you imagine the possibilities of being in a bromance with Brody Jenner (I’d call him B Jens, we’d be that tight)? Right now we could be douching it up all over LA. Meeting Lauren Conrad at Les Deux and being total tools. Going over to dad Bruce’s house and pretending we don’t want to bang his stepsister. Getting a suite at the Palms so we could be douchy in Vegas for a weekend. The possibilities are endless and I missed my chance.

I’m going to be crying myself to sleep for weeks over this.

* See: May 2005; Car; Guard rail on North Capitol St.

** I missed a flight the day after Thanksgiving last year and I’m fairly certain that it completely altered the course of my entire life, not in a positive way. But that’s another story for another time. Or probably never, because that’s not how we roll on this blog.

*** If you ever doubt what direction you should be heading in life its generally good advice to just do what Paris Hilton would do.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I see you...

Oh hello. You’re still here? Well you may have noticed that I have written anything in well over a month. I’ve been thinking lately that I should remedy that situation. I know you loyal few who continue checking this blog semi frequently are clamoring for a new post and I want to enrich you life with my amazing wordsmithing*. There is a small dilemma though. If you’re still reading than it safe to assume you’ve read quite a few of my posts. If that is the case then you know that I’m at my best (in the sense that my writing is more amusing for you) when I’m complaining about something, doing something stupid, or just having an overall crappy life. That is my wheelhouse (it’s a gift) and therein lies the problem. My life is awesome right now; I really have nothing to complain about. And let’s face it you guys don’t really want to hear about puppies and unicorns and pissing glitter and shooting rainbows out of my ass. That’s boring**. Even more boring than the other things I write about (if that’s possible). However I think I may have come up with a temporary solution while I ease back onto the blogging horse: my roommate. My roommate regularly says things that are creepy, inappropriate, or just plain weird and I figure why should I keep these things to myself? It seems selfish so I think I’ll occasionally offer up his best material for your enjoyment. Here’s a winner he said last night, mostly unprompted:

“I’m pretty sure I would fuck Zac Effron. He’s prettier than most of the girls I’ve dated.”

See what I mean. You should look forward this.

He also told me that I have a beautiful falsetto. But that’s not weird. That’s just a fact.

*Part of amazing wordsmithing is making up words like wordsmithing.

**On second thought shooting rainbows out of my ass would be pretty exciting, but I can’t actually do that. I was being metaphorical.